I feel blue..

Overall, life has been pretty good lately for hubby and I. Much has happened since I wrote last..too much to actually pin-point. On the good end, we're in the process of building a house, which we're very excited about! Looking to be done mid-to-end of February. But, amidst all of our excitement, that is not the reason I find myself blogging today.

Today I am sad. I have been for a while, actually. It's a constant struggle, I feel like, to find happiness and contentment in this whole "journey to parenthood" thing. I've been hit pretty hard lately with an ache in my heart for a baby. I thought I was handling things pretty well for a while considering we did 2 unsuccessful rounds of Clomid + Progesterone, took a hard hit in our marriage, dealt with 5 + months without a period, BBT charting, yada yada yada...but recently I just lost it.

I'm not sure if it's because of the coming up holidays, hormones, exhaustion, or a combination of things. I never wanted to be that woman struggling with fertility issues, who sobs at the sight of a baby, or the sight of a new mommy, or the sight of a glowing pregnant lady, or the sight of a baby story on TLC..but the more time that goes by, the more of that lady I become...and it is uncontrollable.

Just the other night, we went to our church Christmas party. Different people came up to me asking if I was okay, saying I looked sad. Deep down, I wanted to just cry out to them what I was feeling, but I couldn't. I just shook it off, choked back the tears and told every single one of them that I was "exhausted". I spent the evening staring at all the little ones and new mommies and daddies, fighting back my sobs the whole time. We finally left, after I couldn't take it any more, and on the way to the car, I broke down for the first time since we began trying to conceive. Jeremy was shocked. So was I....and the hardest part was how guilty I felt for crying about it. I never want to come across as being ungrateful for all He has blessed us with.

When I started this blog, I held the attitude of everything happening perfectly in God's timing. And although I know that is so true, it hurts so bad that I want what it seems like I can't have. My body has given me fits lately..I find myself going on six months without a period! Six months! I know that my Savior can move the mountains - He can and will do the impossible! I just wonder how much harder this is going to get before we can have our little miracle? And as one of my favorite songs says, "..there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning.." Well, there hasn't been much joy in the mornings lately. There's been the sound of a beeping thermometer in the dark for the past 56 days, which leads to a BBT chart without an ending.

I know that there are women out there that have dealt with, or are dealing with the same issues as me..and to talk about this and get it out does feel so much better. But I swear, every time I turn around someone else is pregnant and beaming...and although I am so stinking excited for every one of them, the ache inside becomes a little bit harder to choke back.

And today I am sad. I am sad that in spite of all of our hardest efforts (hubby and I), and prayer, and devotion, we have yet to see ANY sort of positive. I am sad because I just want to hold my own little miracle. I am sad every time I browse online looking at baby furniture, dreaming of furnishing our nursery in our new home. Or every time I pass tiny clothes in a store, or see a mom breast-feeding, or changing a diaper, or wiping up spit-up, or swaddling a little one, or hear about sleepless nights and endless feedings, gassiness...and on and on. So many of my friends have beautiful children, and I love every single one of them to death. But somehow I always walk away feeling so blue. Even after spending time with those kiddos who really love me. I enjoy those precious moments with them, but it's only temporary. I long to be able to take my child home and bathe him/her and put them to bed..I am sad because I long for that same bond between mother and child.

My husband has been my rock through all of this. He is so supportive and encouraging, and always knows what to say or do to help me get through. But I see the hurt this is causing him too. These days you can find him gazing at babies, which is something Jeremy has never been known for. On car rides, or in our quiet moments, he'll strike up conversation about baby names, and he gets disappointed when he hears that someone "took ours". Recently he apologized to me..for not being able to give me a baby!?! I felt like I had been punched in the gut. It is not his fault..we are in this together. I never want my husband to bear the guilt for us not having a child.

I know what people will think when they read this:
"God's going to bless you guys with a baby.."
"It will happen all in the right timing.."
"Just be patient.."
"Don't worry about it.."
"You guys haven't been trying that long, so and so tried for 5+ years.."
"BLAH BLAH BLAH.."

I know, I know. Anyone who has gone through this, I hope, can understand my frustration right now. I tell myself those things all the time, and after so long it just becomes annoying. I am believing and praying that God will heal my body and help me conceive exactly when it is the right time..but I am still human, and the flesh part of me wants to just scream due to it all. I don't want this because everyone else has it. It is what I know God put me on earth to do - Be a mom to a precious child. I want this because it is my passion and life-long dream. I want this because there is nothing else in this world that I want or can do better.

So, enough ranting. I am going to the doctor after the first of the year to figure out what is going on with my cycle, or lack there of. We all know that without a period, there is no ovulation, therefore no pregnancy. So hopefully 2010 will be the year for better health and a baby.

For anyone of my friends who may be reading this, please do not think that I am not elated about your children or pregnancies. I am completely! And I am happy and feel blessed to get to share in the joy of your blessings! Please do not stop sharing with me, I need it! I really am okay, I just needed to get this out.

I am asking for prayer. Prayer for my health, for my marriage, for our hearts. Please help us in this area. God says, "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them. - Matthew 18:19-20"..

Updates

So a few things have happened since the last time I wrote:

Pregnancy wise, we are still not there yet, but we are on the road to a positive result. In May I finally called my doctor because I had gotten rid of my pill a few months prior and I still had not started my period. I was a little worried because I knew that without a period, there is no ovulation, which in turn means you cannot get pregnant. So my doc says that day to come on in to the office to figure out what is going on. They ran blood work, did an exam, went over my medical history...It turns out that I have what is called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which is a health problem that affects a woman's menstrual cycle, ability to ovulate, hormones, etc...all of which I have been dealing with the past 6 years. So my doctor tells me not to worry, I am still able to conceive, it is just going to take a little extra work in my case. Dr. S prescribed an estrogen overload pill to make my body have a period which I took for ten days, and indeed had a period..YAY. Then, Dr. S prescribed a fertility drug called Clomid to make me ovulate...Yay again. Doctor said there was about a 90 percent chance that I would be pregnant within the month if we tracked everything correctly, and if Jeremy and I did "it" on the days we were supposed to...Well after that month of dealing with extreme mood swings, terrible hot flashes, crazy nausea, prayer overload (if there is such a thing), and other symptoms, we are still not pregnant. I knew there was a possibility that this cycle would not work this time around, and I thought I would be more disappointed than I am if it didn't work. But God has been working on my heart a lot through this experience. He is teaching me patience, and above all else, to wait upon HIM. Wanting a child is an incredible feeling, that has at times taken over my ability to see things clearly. I know the situations that I am dealing with, and I know that according to medical science it is proven that my body is going to make it difficult for me to have a baby. These things, if I allow myself to dwell on them, can really get to a lady! I have to say that it is hard to hear from a medical professional that what you are dealing with is a complicated situation that will only get harder with age. I have spent many hours crying and feeling sorry for myself. But when I come back to it, why am I so worried? My Jesus has his hand in our story. Jesus says in Jeremiah 29:11 (The message version) "I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." I know this, and I have known it all along, but unfortunately we sometimes forget that He is in control, not us. We try so hard to do things on our own, and we put our trust in doctors and medicine, just things of the world. Only God can grant us the desires of our heart. He has blessed me thus far, so why have I not trusted that He will bless me with a baby? I mean He gave me a wonderful husband, a home to live in, He has blessed our finances..I have no reason not to trust Him. I say all this to say that I am trusting in Him now. I give it all to GOD. I mean we are still trying and doing our part, and I will be starting a new fertility cycle this week, but it is still ultimately up to our Creator of what will result from this. So just pray for us. We want God's will, not ours. We want a baby, and we pray that He will bless us with one this time, but if not, we know that God is up to something bigger than we can imagine. So that is that in that area. I'll update again later.

In other news, we sold Jeremy's truck. It was a complete blessing that it sold in this economy. I have to admit, I was not very optimistic that it would happen! We just decided that it was better, financially, not to have two vehicle payments every month. Although I am having to drive Jeremy to work and pick him up every day, it has been great so far. We are now able to save some money, and eventually we will pay cash for a little truck or something that Jeremy can drive for work. He only works about a mile or two from the house, so there are no worries right now. We have a brand new car that works fine as our only vehicle. I could see a little hesitation in Jeremy in the beginning about selling it, although it was his idea. He loved his truck, and you know how men can be about their vehicles! I just told him I didn't want him to feel like he was losing a part of his manhood. He's still a stud to me! But Jeremy's been great. I am so lucky to have one of the most compassionate men I have ever known as my husband. He is always so genuine to everyone, and loves to take care of people. He's wonderful. I am a blessed woman!

That's about it for now. I will update again as soon as we know more.

Baby Mama

So a lot of the time I am not sure of what to mention in a blog..and most of the time, once I start typing, I end up not making very much sense! So I have been browsing other blogs, and what I have found is mostly others thoughts of the day.
So here I am, I created this blog specifically to share what is going on with our journey to becoming parents, but there's not a whole lot happening in that department thus far. I mean, we are trying, but I am learning patience more and more everyday. I am learning not to become so consumed with having a baby that I miss out on the enjoyment of my everyday life. Having a baby is important to me, but I am learning to be okay with giving the issue over to God. I mean, after all, He is the ultimate creator in this situation, so I have to remind myself daily that it is up to Him when Jeremy and I will have a baby. That's not to say that we're not doing our part, because we are, but I think it is important to God, and to my husband and I, to not become so consumed with the desire that we no longer focus on each other.

But like I was saying, there are no signs of pregnancy thus far, but I will definitely be noting if I see some in the future.

Today I have been thinking of what Jeremy is going to be like as a daddy. I know he is excited at the thought, and we have a lot of fun discussing things such as baby names, who will change the diapers vs. who will handle childhood vomiting, whether or not our child will play sports, etc...And I have imagined him as a daddy before, but today it just will not seem to leave my mind. It may have been sparked this morning, before Jeremy left for work. I was sitting at the bar, eating my bowl of cereal and drinking my usual half cup of coffee, and our youngest pup, Ellie, just would not seem to leave him alone. She kept jumping up his leg as if to say "hold me, hold me." So Jeremy, like he usually does, knelt down and held out his arms and waited for Ellie to calm down so he could pick her up. Ellie jumped into his arms and Jeremy swung her up over his head, and sat her on his shoulder:) It was so stinking cute, partly due to how tiny she is, and partly because she was so content there on his shoulder. She almost looked as if she was smiling, overwhelmed with joy to be on Daddy's shoulder. I know this may all sound cheesy, but our pups are so important to us, and they are the closest things we have to babies right now. They demand so much love and attention, and they have brought Jeremy and I so much joy in our relationship.

I feel like it has created this sweet bond between my husband and I..to be able to look back to when we bought Maggie, she was just this little snow-white fur ball, and we have raised her to be such a loving and sweet tempered pup. Maggie loves to cuddle, and be sung to...she is a complete "mommy's girl". She uses her 24 hour days to play non-stop with her squeaky soccer ball, and she has developed these amazing goalie techniques that I'm positive would put David Beckham out of business! She's just an incredible dog, and Jeremy and I often sit on the couch and smile at each other as we think back over the past year and a half we have had her in our lives.

Then there is Ellie. We bought her on my birthday this year, after watching Marley and Me. Jeremy and I both cried our eyes out, and at some sad point in the movie I leaned over and whispered in his ear, "you wanna go look at puppies after this?" I asked just so we could go and put a smile back on our faces, but we ended up walking out of the pet store that night with a 1.11 pound, tri-colored poodle that has become our special Ellie. She is special indeed. Ellie has this thing with her tongue...usually if she is pondering something, she pokes her tongue out just a little bit, and cocks her head to the side...It is the cutest thing, and we have come to embrace her "special" qualities. She also has a love for mirrors, or anything that casts a reflection of herself. We have a mirrored closet in our bedroom that she often stops at to check herself out in. It's hilarious and different for us, because Maggie never explored the way Ellie does. She will confuse herself if you step in the picture, too. Jeremy will often times wave at her while she's looking, and she will walk forward into the mirror, rather than understanding what is going on. She does this with the oven, too! Ellie is a very special baby, but we love her just the same. But, Maggie definitely picked up the intellectual genes!

It makes me laugh when people find out that we have two tiny, prissy pups. We were over at a friend's house recently, and one of the guys looked at Jeremy and said, "Man, you sure don't look like a poodle kind of guy!" I just laughed as I thought of Jeremy wearing his Snuggie, propped up on the couch with our two little rugrats. The truth is, we never thought of Jeremy to be a poodle kind of guy either, but oh my goodness, how these little babies have grown on him! It melts me to see how gentle he is with them, in his caring for them, disciplining them, or just loving on them. I just imagine that if he is this in love with poodles, he's really going to be a softy with his own children!

I know that God has blessed me tremendously with an amazing husband! Jeremy loves me so much (and I love him incredibly too) and I can't wait to see how much more that love will grow as I bear his child:) He's going to be a wonderful Daddy one day.. I'm not sure how he will deal with pregnancy (he tends to have a rather weak stomach), but I do know that he is excited, just as I am. I love my man, and I love his passion for God! I can't wait to be his "Baby Mama"!

Below is Daddy with Baby Maggie


This is Special Baby Ellie

First blog post!

Well, I am excited to say that after following and reading so many blogs, I finally made the decision to have one of my own. I have always loved writing, especially journaling, and sometimes get sick of talking, so I figured it would be appropriate to put my thoughts in a blog.

For those who don't know me, I will just give a brief about section: I am a newlywed of about 4 months now. I married my high school sweetheart this past December after a wonderful 5 1/2 years of courtship. Married life so far has been incredible! I never imagined I could love Jeremy "moore" than I already did! But it is possible! It's almost as if we started all over again, except now he is legally bound to me:) So yeah, we got married, and shortly after found a quaint little home that we loved and moved in. We have two toy poodles that we are extremely attached to, named Maggie and Ellie. They truly are like my children! I started my own house cleaning business at the start of the new year, and although it hasn't really taken off yet, I am completely enjoying working for myself. It's great! My husband is blessed to have a wonderful job that allows me to stay home most of the time and enjoy being a wife, and mom to my pups. We spend most of our time with friends and family, and are blessed to have found a wonderful church that we can call "home". God has blessed us immensely these past few months, and since becoming Jeremy's wife, He has placed in my heart an incredible desire that no matter what, I cannot seem to shake.

This brings me to the subject of this blogspot: My entire life I have longed to be a wife and a mother. I just know that is what God has put me on this earth to do. However, since highschool I have avoided that calling due to what I now see as selfishness. I was raised to think that women are in a spot now where it is important to work, make a successful career, and not depend on a man whatsoever, regardless of marital status. I have treated my life that way for a long time, but I now see that is not what God wants, and that is now what I want, for my life.

Since I got married, I have experienced a crazy strong desire to have a baby. I have received many shocked reactions: "It's too soon", "You should wait a few years", "Travel, see the world", "But you just got married!" But the truth is, I don't really care what others are thinking. I kept the desire a secret for a while, in fear that I would scare my husband. We have discussed having children, but we've always agreed that we would wait a while. I cannot ignore this calling anymore! I came home one night after a baby shower, and I just thought I would ask Jeremy what he thought about me stopping my bc pill. After so many years of taking the pill, mostly for medical reasons, my body was just ready to be normal again. Not to mention the guilt I was experiencing knowing that we were "preventing" any pregnancy that may need to happen:) I expected him to tell me that he didn't think it was a good idea. But it wasn't like that at all...ahh, sigh of relief. He just looked me in the eye and said "yeah, let's do it!" So after a long conversation and him assuring me that he was ready too, we came to the decision to get rid of the pill, and leave it in God's hands.

For the past 3 years, every time I go for my annual "exam" (you know ladies, that one particular doctor visit we dread) the doctor reminds me of scientific reasons of why it will be difficult to conceive: previous D&C surgery I had to remove cysts and polyps from my ovaries and uterus, tilted uterus, hormonal imbalance, blah, blah, blah. All I can ask each year is that doctors not speak that over me. I know that my God is the miraculous one! I know and I pray that when He is ready to bless me with a child, it will be in His perfect timing. But regardless of any "scientific" reason, my husband and I have begun our journey to becoming parents to a wonderful and miraculous baby.

I am ready. The longing is there each time I hold a child, or watch a baby story, see a parent with their child, or even now as I watch over my nephews for a week, I cannot help but to imagine my life with a child. I have so many questions and so much to learn.

So welcome! This will be all about the wonderful journey that my husband and I are on..the good, the bad, and the ugly. But this is our desire: to be faithful and wait upon the Lord for his guidance in this situation. We trust in Him, and will patiently await His blessing for a child.