Today I am sad. I have been for a while, actually. It's a constant struggle, I feel like, to find happiness and contentment in this whole "journey to parenthood" thing. I've been hit pretty hard lately with an ache in my heart for a baby. I thought I was handling things pretty well for a while considering we did 2 unsuccessful rounds of Clomid + Progesterone, took a hard hit in our marriage, dealt with 5 + months without a period, BBT charting, yada yada yada...but recently I just lost it.
I'm not sure if it's because of the coming up holidays, hormones, exhaustion, or a combination of things. I never wanted to be that woman struggling with fertility issues, who sobs at the sight of a baby, or the sight of a new mommy, or the sight of a glowing pregnant lady, or the sight of a baby story on TLC..but the more time that goes by, the more of that lady I become...and it is uncontrollable.
Just the other night, we went to our church Christmas party. Different people came up to me asking if I was okay, saying I looked sad. Deep down, I wanted to just cry out to them what I was feeling, but I couldn't. I just shook it off, choked back the tears and told every single one of them that I was "exhausted". I spent the evening staring at all the little ones and new mommies and daddies, fighting back my sobs the whole time. We finally left, after I couldn't take it any more, and on the way to the car, I broke down for the first time since we began trying to conceive. Jeremy was shocked. So was I....and the hardest part was how guilty I felt for crying about it. I never want to come across as being ungrateful for all He has blessed us with.
When I started this blog, I held the attitude of everything happening perfectly in God's timing. And although I know that is so true, it hurts so bad that I want what it seems like I can't have. My body has given me fits lately..I find myself going on six months without a period! Six months! I know that my Savior can move the mountains - He can and will do the impossible! I just wonder how much harder this is going to get before we can have our little miracle? And as one of my favorite songs says, "..there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning.." Well, there hasn't been much joy in the mornings lately. There's been the sound of a beeping thermometer in the dark for the past 56 days, which leads to a BBT chart without an ending.
I know that there are women out there that have dealt with, or are dealing with the same issues as me..and to talk about this and get it out does feel so much better. But I swear, every time I turn around someone else is pregnant and beaming...and although I am so stinking excited for every one of them, the ache inside becomes a little bit harder to choke back.
And today I am sad. I am sad that in spite of all of our hardest efforts (hubby and I), and prayer, and devotion, we have yet to see ANY sort of positive. I am sad because I just want to hold my own little miracle. I am sad every time I browse online looking at baby furniture, dreaming of furnishing our nursery in our new home. Or every time I pass tiny clothes in a store, or see a mom breast-feeding, or changing a diaper, or wiping up spit-up, or swaddling a little one, or hear about sleepless nights and endless feedings, gassiness...and on and on. So many of my friends have beautiful children, and I love every single one of them to death. But somehow I always walk away feeling so blue. Even after spending time with those kiddos who really love me. I enjoy those precious moments with them, but it's only temporary. I long to be able to take my child home and bathe him/her and put them to bed..I am sad because I long for that same bond between mother and child.
My husband has been my rock through all of this. He is so supportive and encouraging, and always knows what to say or do to help me get through. But I see the hurt this is causing him too. These days you can find him gazing at babies, which is something Jeremy has never been known for. On car rides, or in our quiet moments, he'll strike up conversation about baby names, and he gets disappointed when he hears that someone "took ours". Recently he apologized to me..for not being able to give me a baby!?! I felt like I had been punched in the gut. It is not his fault..we are in this together. I never want my husband to bear the guilt for us not having a child.
I know what people will think when they read this:
"God's going to bless you guys with a baby.."
"It will happen all in the right timing.."
"Just be patient.."
"Don't worry about it.."
"You guys haven't been trying that long, so and so tried for 5+ years.."
"BLAH BLAH BLAH.."
I know, I know. Anyone who has gone through this, I hope, can understand my frustration right now. I tell myself those things all the time, and after so long it just becomes annoying. I am believing and praying that God will heal my body and help me conceive exactly when it is the right time..but I am still human, and the flesh part of me wants to just scream due to it all. I don't want this because everyone else has it. It is what I know God put me on earth to do - Be a mom to a precious child. I want this because it is my passion and life-long dream. I want this because there is nothing else in this world that I want or can do better.
So, enough ranting. I am going to the doctor after the first of the year to figure out what is going on with my cycle, or lack there of. We all know that without a period, there is no ovulation, therefore no pregnancy. So hopefully 2010 will be the year for better health and a baby.
For anyone of my friends who may be reading this, please do not think that I am not elated about your children or pregnancies. I am completely! And I am happy and feel blessed to get to share in the joy of your blessings! Please do not stop sharing with me, I need it! I really am okay, I just needed to get this out.
I am asking for prayer. Prayer for my health, for my marriage, for our hearts. Please help us in this area. God says, "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them. - Matthew 18:19-20"..
