One could probably assume from this post title what I am about to say. But while I was away, God dealt with me hugely on the topic of surrender. I realized that my entire life as a "Christian" has never been what it needs to be. Up until recently, I have not given over a single thing to God - not a single circumstance, stress, need, want, relationship, angry feeling...NOTHING. I've said that I have, but my relationship with my Savior is not reflective of such an action. Because had I truly surrendered my life to Him, I wouldn't need to feel in control of every aspect of my life, because God would actually be in control for once. I wouldn't need to find my security in my husband, because I would know my identity in Christ, and that is all the security I need. I wouldn't need a drawn out explanation of why we've been told we need to go through specific procedures in order to have children, because I would believe beyond any shadow of a doubt that nothing is impossible for God. I wouldn't be scared or worried about every next step and place in my life, because I would be able to trust in the Lord and read his word to find comfort and peace. I've been miserable for so stinking long because I'm so tired of fighting for answers, and fighting to feel loved, and fighting for reassurance in this world, when truth is, I'll never find any of it without Christ.
This battle with infertility has been one of the scariest times in my life. It's terrifying to think that I may never give birth and get to experience all that comes with raising a child. The thought of never seeing what God creates with equal parts of me and my husband is gut wrenching. I look around at my friends and their beautiful kids, and I listen to them tell stories so sweet about their children that bring tears to my eyes, and I know there's nothing in life that I want more. And there's a problem with that statement.
How can I pray to God and beg him to bless me with a child when I don't desire a relationship with him above all else? Total surrender to Christ, in my life, means giving up everything - my relationships, my life plans, my rights, my pleasures, EVERYTHING - to follow Him. I can't keep living a life of contradiction, where I say I serve the Lord, but sacrifice nothing. I have been living a life of false surrender, and I have been mastered by anything and everything except by God. God is bringing me to a place where I don't just give him something to get by. He wants my surrender, and he wants it regardless of what I hope the future holds for my husband and I. Even if it means I never have children.
The wrecking ball that I talked about in my last post definitely came! I left that conference after every session feeling like I had just been beaten up. And it was like, even though I sat through most sessions feeling like the most horrible person to ever walk the face of the earth, God was in my ear the entire time saying, "I don't care...I love you...Come with me...Give it all to me...Burn for me...Start right now..." And I walked out with an indescribable feeling of peace. And as I laid my offerings before the Lord, I could feel the hurt, anger, and weight of the world being lifted. And I knew in those moments that this was the beginning of a new life for me...a life set apart and wholly surrendered unto God.
That conference does not get the credit for changing me..God does. He showed up mightily that weekend, and I am proof that when Kim Walker says in How He Loves that "...You're never the same after you encounter the love of God..." she is totally right. I'm a messed up human being, and God put me in my place, put me out of my comfort zone, and beat me up, but showered me in love and grace and mercy. He radically pursues me every day, and I owe my life to Him.
So as Chris Quilala so eloquently sings it:
"...So let this love be like a fire, let our life be like a flame, fill our souls with Your desire, let our passion bring You fame..."
