It's the little things...

This has been my mantra lately...and now, it's my new blog "series" thing. Not sure if that's what I should call it, and I can't put a time span on it, because there are way too many to fit into one post. I will continue to share as they continue to reveal themselves to me. So welcome to

It's The Little Things.

I find myself saying it a lot, and I feel that by choosing to find the goodness in these types of things, and appreciate the joy they bring in the moment, it really is helping me to change my perspective. It causes me to look at situations differently, seeing the positives rather than negatives (or seeing the positives in the midst of negative pregnancy tests.) Not gonna lie, I've felt a bit downcast for a while...sometimes I can pinpoint why, other times it seems unexplainable. But nonetheless, I am blessed. Some might think I'm in need of an anti-depressant, but to that I say the following have been just that to me.

It's the little things like a fresh cup of coffee first thing in the morning, while my hair is still messy, teeth still un-brushed, and bed not made. Every morning I relish in this moment, looking forward to the next one...

It's the little things like reading my Bible in the dark of the early morning. Mom always said I shouldn't read in the dark, but I love these moments when I am too entranced in the passage I'm reading to give my eyes a break from squinting...

It's the little things like surviving through the day only on massive amounts of fresh seedless watermelon and cantaloupe, just because they're my favorite...

It's the little things like trying a new recipe...and succeeding at it...

It's the little things like going on a date to Sam's Club with my husband, just to see him enjoy a Nathans hot-dog combo. I'll have a salted soft pretzel to dip in mustard, please. Then we load up on more watermelon and cantaloupe while we're there...

It's the little things like driving across town just to see my nieces perform in their school plays, whether they have a solo or not...

It's the little things like driving a couple hundred miles to see my nephews play ball =) It's only the little leagues, but I think they're pro...

It's the little things like feeling a warm little fur ball pup cuddle up next to me late at night on the couch...

It's hearing my friends kiddos call me by name...whether "Sissy" or "Jess" or even "Johnny" (haha), they will never know their love has helped me heal...

It's the little things like a coffee date with a friend, or having a meal with family...

It's the little things like swimming till you're wrinkled...

It's the little things like singing at the top of your lungs, whether it sounds good or not...

It's a beautiful card in the mail...

It's skipping dinner for dessert instead...

It's rocking your best friend's baby to sleep...and thanking God that you still get to be a part of her life.

It's giving a dollar to the man or woman on the corner...

It's being prayed for...and feeling those prayers...

It's praying for someone...

It's singing happy birthday to someone, and recognizing their importance in the world...

It's watching the Biggest Loser...

It's the little things like SPANX...that seriously can make all the difference...

It's the little things like leggings...

A new pair of socks...

A free panties card from Victoria's Secret...

It's giving a gift for no special occasion...

It's staying in your pajamas all day...

It's a hug from your significant other...

It's a new book...

It's a new song...

The little things can be so much more than little things. They can lift you up, make you smile, and teach you what's important.

To be continued...

No title...

I guess one post a week is my new normal. That seems to be all I can muster up for blogging lately. But really, I'm okay with that. Life here with the Moore's is a little melancholy, but we are just taking some time to figure some things out, to heal, and just...hear from God on all things life. Priorities :-)

We are still moving forward with the adoption, and with that comes a million waves of emotion, that sometimes we just don't even know what to do with. Overall, though, excitement stands at the forefront because we are coming up on our home study - soon to be scheduled...like next week. (I know I feel, and maybe you too, like I've been saying the same thing over and over again. That probably is the case, but the key word here is patience. This is a lengthy process, and our adoption specialist keeps saying we are right on "schedule". All that to say, it really is about to happen - the home study, that is.) Some more donations have generously poured in since I last updated on finances, and it puts us at around 7% of our total goal. We are so extremely thankful! The generosity humbles me.

Speaking for myself, and somewhat my husband, too, life just feels heavy right now. I just feel burdened by so many things, and its difficult to hide anymore. But we are okay. We are working through a lot, and reaching deep within to find joy and peace in the midst of it all. Circumstantial? Not really. Circumstances are pretty good right now. These things, I know are matters of the heart. Spiritual things. And not always the easiest to navigate through. But we are trying. And we are so thankful for a handful of people who stand by us regardless. The unexpected cards in the mail, the willingness to just sit there and listen and cry, the heartfelt prayers...it has, and will continue to help carry us through. We are blessed to know you. Thank you for loving us, not just tolerating us.

Sorry for this weird, sentimental-Debbie-downer-ish post. But we gotta keep it real ;-)

Heart cries...

Lately I've just been tired...tired of a lot of things. For starters though, I pray that you can hear my heart through this post, and try to understand that although some things may sound harsh, I am just being honest. And if we can't be honest, then what's the point? Life isn't always "my cup is always half full, unicorns and rainbows, sweet as pie, perfect & happy...". At least here it's not. And if you not prepared to read into a life that's very messy, lately painful, and never perfect, then maybe you should stop here. Now, enough with the prefacing.

I try my hardest and pray constantly for God to help me to keep the right perspective. But lets face it: some days most days are extremely painful, and leave me feeling like I'm just putting on a show by pretending like my heart isn't breaking, for the sake of not coming across as doubting God, or lacking in faith. And truth is, unfortunately, when I get honest with myself and with others about the reality of the hurt I'm struggling with on any given day, someone decides that I am doubting God and lacking in faith, and that I am in need of a pep talk. Like I just need a bear hug and a one line picker upper. But let me let you in on something...

I accept this journey God has me and my husband on.
I fully acknowledge His power and capabilities to change our circumstances.
I 100% believe that someday He will.
I also believe that there is a bigger picture here for us, and I believe it goes beyond just achieving a pregnancy, or adopting an infant.
I know that God is stirring and moving and doing things beyond anything we can ever comprehend.
I accept the good days, and I'll get through the bad days, because I know it's all for God's glory that we go through this.
And although it's never fun, I thank God that He has chosen us to go through what we are going through, rather than you or someone else.

I would do it all over again if it meant that another couple didn't have to lay their heads down at night wondering if they will ever get to witness what God could create from equal parts of each other.

Wondering if they will ever get to see their spouse transform from just a regular person into a mother or father in a split second.

Wondering if they will ever be able to look at their child and say, "you look just like your mommy", or "just like your daddy".

Wondering if they will ever get to feel those kicks and flips and hiccups from within.

I would absolutely do it all over again if it meant that another husband didn't have to witness his wife break down as the world around her shouts for joy over positive pregnancy tests, growing belly pictures, birth announcements, and pregnancy symptoms.

I would do it all over again if it meant that she could, too.

I would do it again if it meant another husband didn't have to feel like he has been robbed of his manhood, or the opportunity to be the father he never really had. I would do it again if it meant he could stand in awe of a part of his life growing inside his wife's belly, or see that little flickering heartbeat for the first time. His child's heartbeat.

I would abosolutely do it for that.

I know in light of the adoption, one might think that we've moved on from this kind of pain. Like magically these feelings just disappear because we've moved on to a different "solution". But adoption is not a solution to this journey we're on. Part of the journey, yes. But a solution, no. We have to keep it separate, otherwise we will have placed an expectation on our adoptive child to live up to something that he or she will never be able to. We will love our child wholly and completely as if we conceived them ourselves, but in my heart, I will always long for the things above. Who wouldn't?

That said, the pain we are going through is still very real and very fresh for us, and all around us, the world moves on. We are still healing and dealing, and I am tired of feeling like we have to be strong and put on a face for people just so that we don't come across as selfish or ungrateful for the blessings we do have, and partly in effort to avoid all different kinds of advice and sweeping statements. People mean well, we know that full well. However, what others, and myself included, deem as encouragement isn't always encouraging. The world is always offering a solution or suggestion as to how to grieve, or we put a time stamp on how long is too long, making trials and healing from them seem insignificant compared to the latest news. Healing takes time. Sometimes a lifetime. And no one wants to feel alone in their pain. Thanks to God, because of what I've gone through, I long to be available to people in their pain and heartache...however they need me to be. No matter how messy, no matter how gut-wrenching, no matter how confusing, or stressful, or how long it takes.

There have been so many times throughout this experience, and I'm sure many more will come, when I have needed to hear the following: It is okay to be broken. It's okay to take a step back, or need some space to allow for healing. It's okay to not want to go to a baby shower, or other event. Its even okay not to go because your heart literally feels like it weighs too much, and the lump in your throat feels too big. Heal how you need to, not how it's convenient for others. Surround yourself with whoever you need to...with people who will pray over you, even out loud..people who will ugly cry with you, and who will physically hold you. Do not allow for others to make you feel guilty about doing whatever is necessary to heal. Even if it means walking away from some things. It's okay to worship through pain. We don't have to have it all together before The Lord. His heart breaks for us. We can go through what we are going through, no matter what it looks like, and still lift our hands to him. Crying out to Him, regardless of, or because of our circumstances, is okay. As long as it's Him we are crying out to, right?

The cry of my heart right now is for healing...Healing over our bodies, but more importantly, healing from the hurt and pain. The cry of my heart is that people have grace with us as we do whatever is necessary to protect our hearts from growing bitter. The cry of my heart is that people will have compassion, and not just for us, but for people to the right, and to the left. Neighbors, strangers, whomever. I pray that compassion, the kind that brings you to your knees because you hurt so badly for someone, I pray that it completely overtakes us. There are people all around us who are breaking inside, hoping that someone will come alongside of them and stand and fight with them, just because they can't stand not to.

A mother's heart...

Mothers Day 2009: I remember at this time, I was sitting in church, and I let myself cry for the first time since we made the decision to begin trying for a baby three months prior.  I remember feeling very vulnerable, confused, and isolated as so many woman stood to their feet as the congregation honored their presence and beauty of motherhood.  Yet, I was hopeful, and even let myself go to that place to fervently believe that by the same time next year, I too, would be standing.

Mothers Day 2010: I was in Jacksonville, FL, visiting with my sister and family.  Days before, I could feel the sadness beginning to surface again as I reminded myself that there was still no baby a year later.  The trip, however, was a nice distraction to the loss I was still grieving.  I pushed it back down as I stood in my sisters kitchen, making breakfast for the family.  Text messages from friends began to come through, pouring words of encouragement and prayers for a miracle baby through the screen of my phone and into my heart. Once again, I let myself go to that place of letting it all out, as I stepped out of the room and escaped for a while to cry.  The pain left me unable to describe my emotions as my husband tried to comfort me.  I fixed my makeup, gathered myself, and reclaimed my position at the stove, letting hope rise once again as I stirred gravy.  "Next year," I told myself, "Next year."

Mothers Day 2011:  Still no baby, and the pain is still present...fresh and raw as ever.  Being honest, it's not just the DAY thats been difficult, but rather every day for the past couple of months leading up to it.  I don't even know how to describe it.  It's just hard.  My heart feels heavy, and I constantly have a lump in my throat.  The thought of sitting in another service while tons of mothers stand while we clap and cheer and honor them as they should be honored, it almost motivates me to keep my sweat pants on and have church at home. New pregnancies are being celebrated, husbands are extra sweet, and beautiful little ones are adorning their mommas with handmade cards, flowers, and tons of love...just as it should be.  At the same time, hearts are breaking, and the pain of longing and waiting becomes a little bit harder to choke back for so many of us.  I've tried to tell myself that it's getting easier.  But it's not.  In fact, although there are good days and bad days, it gets harder.  

But...(yes, there's a but)

I'm still hopeful.  Although my arms are still empty, my heart is not.  Thank God for His grace and mercy, because only He knows how much of it I need to get through this.  I'm thankful for His love and His word, both of which literally carry me through and give me hope for the next day.  I am thankful for the desire He has placed in me to be a mother, and for His faithfulness to see it come to fruition in His timing.  I am thankful for the people He has specifically placed in my life to walk through this with me, who truly understand this kind of pain, who pray for me, and whose faith rises up when mine is lacking. These things make the pain seem worth it.  These things give me the strength I need to face every situation that is a fresh reminder of the hurt, loss, heartbreak, and wait.

If you are a mom reading this, Happy Mothers Day from the most sincere part of my heart.  You deserve to be honored every day for the sacrificial love you have for your children and family.  You are beautiful, and you are blessed.

If you find yourself hurting on this day, I pray peace, comfort, and healing for your spirit.  Although sometimes it can sound cliche, I find comfort in knowing that I do not face these trials alone.  You are not alone in your pain, your heartache, your longing, or suffering.  We serve a God who loves the heart of a mother, whether physical evidence of motherhood is present yet or not.  So, Happy Mothers Day to you.