No title...

I guess one post a week is my new normal. That seems to be all I can muster up for blogging lately. But really, I'm okay with that. Life here with the Moore's is a little melancholy, but we are just taking some time to figure some things out, to heal, and just...hear from God on all things life. Priorities :-)

We are still moving forward with the adoption, and with that comes a million waves of emotion, that sometimes we just don't even know what to do with. Overall, though, excitement stands at the forefront because we are coming up on our home study - soon to be scheduled...like next week. (I know I feel, and maybe you too, like I've been saying the same thing over and over again. That probably is the case, but the key word here is patience. This is a lengthy process, and our adoption specialist keeps saying we are right on "schedule". All that to say, it really is about to happen - the home study, that is.) Some more donations have generously poured in since I last updated on finances, and it puts us at around 7% of our total goal. We are so extremely thankful! The generosity humbles me.

Speaking for myself, and somewhat my husband, too, life just feels heavy right now. I just feel burdened by so many things, and its difficult to hide anymore. But we are okay. We are working through a lot, and reaching deep within to find joy and peace in the midst of it all. Circumstantial? Not really. Circumstances are pretty good right now. These things, I know are matters of the heart. Spiritual things. And not always the easiest to navigate through. But we are trying. And we are so thankful for a handful of people who stand by us regardless. The unexpected cards in the mail, the willingness to just sit there and listen and cry, the heartfelt prayers...it has, and will continue to help carry us through. We are blessed to know you. Thank you for loving us, not just tolerating us.

Sorry for this weird, sentimental-Debbie-downer-ish post. But we gotta keep it real ;-)

Heart cries...

Lately I've just been tired...tired of a lot of things. For starters though, I pray that you can hear my heart through this post, and try to understand that although some things may sound harsh, I am just being honest. And if we can't be honest, then what's the point? Life isn't always "my cup is always half full, unicorns and rainbows, sweet as pie, perfect & happy...". At least here it's not. And if you not prepared to read into a life that's very messy, lately painful, and never perfect, then maybe you should stop here. Now, enough with the prefacing.

I try my hardest and pray constantly for God to help me to keep the right perspective. But lets face it: some days most days are extremely painful, and leave me feeling like I'm just putting on a show by pretending like my heart isn't breaking, for the sake of not coming across as doubting God, or lacking in faith. And truth is, unfortunately, when I get honest with myself and with others about the reality of the hurt I'm struggling with on any given day, someone decides that I am doubting God and lacking in faith, and that I am in need of a pep talk. Like I just need a bear hug and a one line picker upper. But let me let you in on something...

I accept this journey God has me and my husband on.
I fully acknowledge His power and capabilities to change our circumstances.
I 100% believe that someday He will.
I also believe that there is a bigger picture here for us, and I believe it goes beyond just achieving a pregnancy, or adopting an infant.
I know that God is stirring and moving and doing things beyond anything we can ever comprehend.
I accept the good days, and I'll get through the bad days, because I know it's all for God's glory that we go through this.
And although it's never fun, I thank God that He has chosen us to go through what we are going through, rather than you or someone else.

I would do it all over again if it meant that another couple didn't have to lay their heads down at night wondering if they will ever get to witness what God could create from equal parts of each other.

Wondering if they will ever get to see their spouse transform from just a regular person into a mother or father in a split second.

Wondering if they will ever be able to look at their child and say, "you look just like your mommy", or "just like your daddy".

Wondering if they will ever get to feel those kicks and flips and hiccups from within.

I would absolutely do it all over again if it meant that another husband didn't have to witness his wife break down as the world around her shouts for joy over positive pregnancy tests, growing belly pictures, birth announcements, and pregnancy symptoms.

I would do it all over again if it meant that she could, too.

I would do it again if it meant another husband didn't have to feel like he has been robbed of his manhood, or the opportunity to be the father he never really had. I would do it again if it meant he could stand in awe of a part of his life growing inside his wife's belly, or see that little flickering heartbeat for the first time. His child's heartbeat.

I would abosolutely do it for that.

I know in light of the adoption, one might think that we've moved on from this kind of pain. Like magically these feelings just disappear because we've moved on to a different "solution". But adoption is not a solution to this journey we're on. Part of the journey, yes. But a solution, no. We have to keep it separate, otherwise we will have placed an expectation on our adoptive child to live up to something that he or she will never be able to. We will love our child wholly and completely as if we conceived them ourselves, but in my heart, I will always long for the things above. Who wouldn't?

That said, the pain we are going through is still very real and very fresh for us, and all around us, the world moves on. We are still healing and dealing, and I am tired of feeling like we have to be strong and put on a face for people just so that we don't come across as selfish or ungrateful for the blessings we do have, and partly in effort to avoid all different kinds of advice and sweeping statements. People mean well, we know that full well. However, what others, and myself included, deem as encouragement isn't always encouraging. The world is always offering a solution or suggestion as to how to grieve, or we put a time stamp on how long is too long, making trials and healing from them seem insignificant compared to the latest news. Healing takes time. Sometimes a lifetime. And no one wants to feel alone in their pain. Thanks to God, because of what I've gone through, I long to be available to people in their pain and heartache...however they need me to be. No matter how messy, no matter how gut-wrenching, no matter how confusing, or stressful, or how long it takes.

There have been so many times throughout this experience, and I'm sure many more will come, when I have needed to hear the following: It is okay to be broken. It's okay to take a step back, or need some space to allow for healing. It's okay to not want to go to a baby shower, or other event. Its even okay not to go because your heart literally feels like it weighs too much, and the lump in your throat feels too big. Heal how you need to, not how it's convenient for others. Surround yourself with whoever you need to...with people who will pray over you, even out loud..people who will ugly cry with you, and who will physically hold you. Do not allow for others to make you feel guilty about doing whatever is necessary to heal. Even if it means walking away from some things. It's okay to worship through pain. We don't have to have it all together before The Lord. His heart breaks for us. We can go through what we are going through, no matter what it looks like, and still lift our hands to him. Crying out to Him, regardless of, or because of our circumstances, is okay. As long as it's Him we are crying out to, right?

The cry of my heart right now is for healing...Healing over our bodies, but more importantly, healing from the hurt and pain. The cry of my heart is that people have grace with us as we do whatever is necessary to protect our hearts from growing bitter. The cry of my heart is that people will have compassion, and not just for us, but for people to the right, and to the left. Neighbors, strangers, whomever. I pray that compassion, the kind that brings you to your knees because you hurt so badly for someone, I pray that it completely overtakes us. There are people all around us who are breaking inside, hoping that someone will come alongside of them and stand and fight with them, just because they can't stand not to.

A mother's heart...

Mothers Day 2009: I remember at this time, I was sitting in church, and I let myself cry for the first time since we made the decision to begin trying for a baby three months prior.  I remember feeling very vulnerable, confused, and isolated as so many woman stood to their feet as the congregation honored their presence and beauty of motherhood.  Yet, I was hopeful, and even let myself go to that place to fervently believe that by the same time next year, I too, would be standing.

Mothers Day 2010: I was in Jacksonville, FL, visiting with my sister and family.  Days before, I could feel the sadness beginning to surface again as I reminded myself that there was still no baby a year later.  The trip, however, was a nice distraction to the loss I was still grieving.  I pushed it back down as I stood in my sisters kitchen, making breakfast for the family.  Text messages from friends began to come through, pouring words of encouragement and prayers for a miracle baby through the screen of my phone and into my heart. Once again, I let myself go to that place of letting it all out, as I stepped out of the room and escaped for a while to cry.  The pain left me unable to describe my emotions as my husband tried to comfort me.  I fixed my makeup, gathered myself, and reclaimed my position at the stove, letting hope rise once again as I stirred gravy.  "Next year," I told myself, "Next year."

Mothers Day 2011:  Still no baby, and the pain is still present...fresh and raw as ever.  Being honest, it's not just the DAY thats been difficult, but rather every day for the past couple of months leading up to it.  I don't even know how to describe it.  It's just hard.  My heart feels heavy, and I constantly have a lump in my throat.  The thought of sitting in another service while tons of mothers stand while we clap and cheer and honor them as they should be honored, it almost motivates me to keep my sweat pants on and have church at home. New pregnancies are being celebrated, husbands are extra sweet, and beautiful little ones are adorning their mommas with handmade cards, flowers, and tons of love...just as it should be.  At the same time, hearts are breaking, and the pain of longing and waiting becomes a little bit harder to choke back for so many of us.  I've tried to tell myself that it's getting easier.  But it's not.  In fact, although there are good days and bad days, it gets harder.  

But...(yes, there's a but)

I'm still hopeful.  Although my arms are still empty, my heart is not.  Thank God for His grace and mercy, because only He knows how much of it I need to get through this.  I'm thankful for His love and His word, both of which literally carry me through and give me hope for the next day.  I am thankful for the desire He has placed in me to be a mother, and for His faithfulness to see it come to fruition in His timing.  I am thankful for the people He has specifically placed in my life to walk through this with me, who truly understand this kind of pain, who pray for me, and whose faith rises up when mine is lacking. These things make the pain seem worth it.  These things give me the strength I need to face every situation that is a fresh reminder of the hurt, loss, heartbreak, and wait.

If you are a mom reading this, Happy Mothers Day from the most sincere part of my heart.  You deserve to be honored every day for the sacrificial love you have for your children and family.  You are beautiful, and you are blessed.

If you find yourself hurting on this day, I pray peace, comfort, and healing for your spirit.  Although sometimes it can sound cliche, I find comfort in knowing that I do not face these trials alone.  You are not alone in your pain, your heartache, your longing, or suffering.  We serve a God who loves the heart of a mother, whether physical evidence of motherhood is present yet or not.  So, Happy Mothers Day to you.

Fundraising update...

If you look to the right, you will see that people have been SO generous, and SO incredibly loving to help us cover the cost of our upcoming home study! It is such a blessing! We are one step closer to bringing home our baby :-)

As I have said before, there is no way I could ever adequately express the amount of gratitude that overwhelms us. We are working on a few different ideas for proper "thank yous", so hopefully very soon I will be getting those out. However, for now, to those who have donated, I just want to say a big THANK YOU! You have a very special place in our hearts, and no words could ever do justice to the gift that you have given us. Because of your generosity, we can move forward in this process. We thank God for your heart, and your presence in our lives, no matter how close or distant. Thank you for this gift, for your support, and loving our little one so much already. Thank you!

We are going out of town this week to visit some family, but once we return, we are expecting to get on the ball with the home study. Once that part is out of the way, we can begin preparing ourselves for the "selection" part of the process, where birth parents choose us as adoptive parents. Financially speaking, this is the next big phase. We are hoping to be able to apply for some grants, which could potentially cover much of the cost of the adoption. I still encourage and ask that people donate, though. Nothing is set in stone, as far as the grants go, and there is no way of being able to tell if we will be granted any money. We still have a long way to go to reach the total cost, but just as this first week of fundraising shows, nothing is impossible! God is good.

We are also working on some other fundraising opportunities outside of the blog. I will reveal the details of these events as they begin to unfold. Continue to check back here to see what is happening.

Again (and I'll say it countless times more), thank you for investing in our story. Whether monetarily, emotionally, physically, or spiritually, it means more than you know!!

Bringing Baby Moore Home...

We are calling on you. Yes, you. If you are reading this, you are either a frequent visitor here at this blog, or you have stumbled upon it via shared links on Facebook, recommendations from someone, or maybe even a Google search for something random or not so random...I don't know what reason has brought you here, but I am glad you are, nonetheless. Especially today.

You may or may not know us, my husband and I, and you may or may not know our story. We are on a journey and have been for a while. We've probably been on this journey far longer than our minds may want to wrap around, but we count it as "going on 3 years now". It's a bittersweet journey, hence the name of this blog, but it's one that has taught us about God, about who we are, and about the strength of our relationship with one another, more than words can ever describe. I'm talking about our journey to parenthood.

I'll refer you back to this post if you would like to know all the details, but basically, our image of parenthood looks much different to us now than it did in the beginning. What we once perceived as crushed dreams of becoming parents, we now know as the rebuilding of our faith in God and the birth of a brand new passion within our hearts. Although we are not giving up our dreams of someday conceiving naturally, we know without a doubt that no matter how different it looks to us now, this is where God is leading us.

ADOPTION

Currently, we are working with Bethany Christian Services and we are pursuing a domestic infant adoption. Basically, what this means is that we will be adopting within the United States. Soon there will be a woman, if not already, who will find out she is pregnant, yet selflessly decides that it is in the best interest for her baby to be raised and cared for by someone else. Once she comes to that conclusion, she will begin searching for that adoptive family for her child. She will scour pages and pages of biographies, photos, and stories until she is confident in her heart of hearts who she will choose. Our hope and prayer is that we are those parents. Once we are "selected", we will wait out the duration of the pregnancy, and once the baby is born, God willing, he or she will go home with us.

And this is where you come in. We need your help. Desperately. Fortunately, and unfortunately, adoption costs money. A lot of money. $21,000.00 to be exact in our case. Looking at that number terrifies me and inspires me all at the same time. It terrifies me because obviously it's a huge number for any one family to come up with in a short amount of time. I am convinced that numbers like these are often times what turn many families away from adopting. For Jeremy and I, the "how's", as in "how is this gonna happen", or "how are we gonna come up with that much money" go unanswered. But consistently, God has challenged our faith. He has challenged our trust. "How?" God asks. "Me." He answers. However, this number inspires me...because I know its the only thing standing in the way of us going from just "Jessica & Jeremy", to "Mommy & Daddy".

We have to believe that God is so much bigger than this mountain of money we currently face. We have to press on, and trust that where God leads, He will also provide. So we're going for it, and we are excited to see what God is about to do!!

“You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible." Matthew 17:20

You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds, O God our savior. You are the hope of everyone on earth, even those who sail on distant seas. Psalm 65:5

So here I am, asking for your help. Whether your help comes in the form of financial donation, or in the form of praying for and encouraging us through this process, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts! Please understand, that this is not for us. Of course we desire to have a baby, but above that, we desire to provide a life, a home, and a lot of love to a baby who might not have these things if not for adoption. Above all, we desire to be obedient to the calling that has been placed on our lives to adopt whatever child God has planned for us, no matter the gender, race, or ethnicity. We cannot do this without you.

We want to be very transparent about where the money is going, so below you will see how it is broken down.

*Application fee......$550.00 (we already paid)

*Home Study fees...$1,000.00

*Support Services fee (Case management, education, marketing/networking, profile presentation, birth parent expenses, etc.)......................$6,000.00

*Placement fees (Counseling, adoption consents, legal fees including finalization, post placement supervision, etc.)........................$14,000.00

There it is. I know it's a lot, but I also know that it is completely possible. Obviously finances are the biggest obstacle right now. However, we also understand that not everyone can give monetarily. What is not so obvious is the emotional roller coaster that we are about to experience. Adoption can be such a long and trying process. That is why it is so important to us to have people praying for peace, strength, patience, and so much more, not only for us, but for the birth parents as well. If you have children, I'm sure you can imagine how difficult it would be for you to choose an adoption plan for your child. Imagine the strength it takes preparing for the day to hand over your child, sign away your rights, and live the rest of your life knowing that someone else is raising your baby. Your prayers throughout have just as much impact and are just as important and needed as the money. I hope you will prayerfully consider helping in whatever way you are led to. We are forever grateful for your loving heart!!

So let's do this!! There is a grey box in the right margin where you can donate your money. As people donate, that box will continually update so that we can track the progress. Please feel free to pass this along and share with others who may want to help. If you would like to contact me, visit this link to send me an email, or you can leave your questions, words of encouragement, or comments below. I will continue to update as the process changes and as we get closer to our goal.

In advance, your generosity means more than I will ever be able to express here. I cannot adequately describe what this adoption means for myself, and for my husband. We have prayed and waited for so long for a child, and we are so grateful for your willingness to help us. Your act of generosity is two-fold, you see. Some day we will have the privilege of looking into the eyes of our child and telling them of how many wonderful people were faithful in seeing this miracle through. Not only are you giving a child a home, but you are helping to fill a very empty space in our hearts. My heart swells with gratitude and love for every soul who has invested in our story.

Much love, blessings, and thanks to you!!

From the bottom of our hearts!!

Stay tuned...

This adoption process is moving along more quickly than I could have ever imagined!! We are currently gearing up for our home study. We need all the love, prayers, and support possible to make this happen! Please be on the look out in the next few days here on the blog for some ways you can help, and get involved to bring our baby home. We can't do this without you! Thanks =)

Waiting Here For You...

Came across this song the other day, and I completely stopped, mesmerized. What a beautiful lyrical picture of this waiting thing. Waiting on God. And being faithful while doing so.



Faith seems to be a true test right now for myself, and so many others around me. It's especially hard to have faith when time lines surround you. How many years now? How many miscarriages? When is this bill due? How long did the doctors say they will live? How long since you've been employed? The How's, the Why's, and the When's take their toll on a person's faith. Especially when there are no answers.

faith
[feyth]
-noun
1. Confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability
2. Belief that is not based on proof

You won't find this post jam packed with earth shattering answers or explanations. I feel like my faith is tested every day. I struggle so hard sometimes knowing that I serve a God who everyone claims to be so faithful, so loving, so BIG, and all these things, but at the same time allows some of the most painful circumstances to wreak havoc in so many lives.

I may or may not know what you are going through. You may or may not have any answers, or closure, or maybe haven't been given any hope for the future from the world's standards. You may not see any light at the end of the tunnel right now. You may feel alone, deserted, punished, forgotten, defeated, crushed...Maybe you're even questioning if God is even really there. Let me just tell you, you are in good company here. In a lot of ways, I'm right there with ya. I don't have many answers. So many questions still remain unanswered.

BUT...

I am waiting for God. I am still working through life's circumstances, and days still exist when I just wanna give up on God, but truth is...giving up on Him still doesn't give me answers. You may feel like God isn't there, but I can assure you that the world will never be able to fill that void that He can in just a matter of timing. Tap into your faith. God wants for us to just BELIEVE. Believing even though there is no proof. Worshiping through it. Praying through it. Crying through it. I know it is hard, and I am so sorry for whatever it is you are facing. I know you feel like you can't do this anymore. Let yourself believe. Let our Sovereign God carry you through. He loves you. He knows your pain. He is the only One who can heal your heart, and make beauty from your ashes. He is worth believing in...He is worth trusting in...He is faithful if we just believe.