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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Closing the womb...

These words have lingered in my head for some time now. I have continued to ask myself what the significance might be, and why they wouldn't leave me alone. Is God trying to teach me something? The answer is most definitely, yes.

If you know me at all or follow our story, you know that both my husband and I have received infertility diagnosis's. While there has been no treatment or medical solution for what they say is wrong with my husband, I on the other hand, have completed 6 rounds of mild fertility treatments with the use of the drug, Clomid. With each round (which two different doctors were certain would fix my "problem") the dosage increased until it could not safely be increased anymore. It was very hard to endure physically and emotionally, and I never experienced a single positive (ovulation or pregnancy) with any round. It just plainly did not work. It baffled me, and it baffled my doctors. There were obviously more invasive procedures and testing that we could have gone through with, but we came to a point after so much disappointment where we just needed to take a break. We needed to step back, refocus, pray, and really seek what God was wanting for and from us. We figured we would just take a quick breather and eventually get the OK from the Lord to go forth with IUI or IVF.

During that time, God really began to convict our hearts about our priorities and our lacking faith in Him. All this stuff we claimed to believe about our Heavenly Father, but we doubted Him daily, and we deemed Him untrustworthy to allow us to get pregnant. We said we believed He could do anything, and we heard His voice in our lives saying "NO" to our other treatment possibilities, but deep down we were terrified that if we left it in God's hands we would NEVER have a baby. I was scared to give up on my earthly dreams and follow His will for my life.

The rest is really difficult to put into words, but both my husband and I felt a tremendous peace to just let go of it all and regain focus of the importance of our relationships with Christ, and our relationship together. I so desperately wanted to be happy again. I was tired of feeling like the God who fearfully and wonderfully created me had abandoned my dreams of becoming a mother. This was a life-long dream of mine, and all of a sudden when I felt The Lord made me ready to be just that, He immediately slammed the doors of opportunity in our faces. I was tired of growing bitter and resentful towards new moms, or the sight of pregnant bellies. I wanted that so badly. What did I do that was so horrible that God would strip that dream away??

I'll spare you the depressing details of how angry and bitter I was becoming towards God, and how selfish my heart and mind became, and I'll just let you know how He changed me. God never left me. He never gave up on me or my husband, or our dreams of having children. He was calling us to greater faith and trust in Him. He was wanting us to believe His Word and His promises for our life, without expecting anything in return. He let us know in many different ways that He had bigger and better plans for us and our children. He wanted us to stop claiming infertility over our bodies, and just let Him work in the miraculous ways He always has.

So with a lot of time, prayer, and healing, we began to trust God that we were not meant to conceive right now. Strangely, we became okay with that. We just shifted our focus, and really began to long for the Lord. Through it all, He brought us so far mentally, physically and spiritually. He grew a new passion within me, and began to show me that being a mother did not have to begin with my own biological child. Just like He adopted me as His daughter, He was calling me to adopt a child. I tried to ignore it, once again, afraid that pursuing this road would mean I will never get to experience pregnancy or giving birth. But then my husband began to feel the same feelings, being drawn to the idea of giving a child a home. After random conversation revealed our similar feelings, we knew that this whole time, God intended for us to adopt. This was His plan that we had been running from. But not anymore.

I was reading about Hannah in 1 Samuel and I read the following verse differently than I ever had before:

1 Samuel 1:6 "Because the lord had closed Hannah's womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her."...

Because the Lord had closed Hannah's womb. He closed it. Then later, He opened it and she bore a son, Samuel. That hit me. I'm beginning to see our story differently. Rather it being just that my body doesn't work, or that something is wrong as it relates to my reproductive system, how about the fact that just like the Lord closed and opened wombs the days of Hannah, He does it in these times too. I believe it! Others may not, but I do! Unlike myself, God has always had His bigger picture in sight. I'm not saying that medically related infertility issues do not exist, because they clearly do. But for us, I believe God had to close my womb in order to reveal His greater plan for us. Call me crazy, but I dont care. It has caused us to pray fervently, to appreciate God’s grace, to see His miraculous power, and to work out the timing for His plan for us to adopt. I can appreciate that. Because you see, there is a child out there who was meant for us. This child was meant to be our first.

And just like He had the power and choice to close this womb, He has the same power and choice to open it. I don't know if He will or not, but I trust that whatever He decides is right for us. We are called for such a time as this, and I move forward hand in hand with my husband, rejoicing on the journey the Lord has already prepared for us.


Rachel said...

Beautiful....that's all I can say right now. Absolutely beautiful.

Tara said...

Wow having read those same scriptures many time and never saw what you just pointed out. I am so proud of you and Jeremy!! And am thrilled to be able to pray with you and for you through your journey!!

va_grown said...

What a brave and faithful place you've come to! Thank you for sharing. Sometimes it is so hard to admit we're not in control. It's a real blessing to see that you're handling it by growing in faith and turning from the bitterness.

Stopping by from A Steady Rain...have a nice weekend!

Rachel said...

"I don't know if He will or not, but I trust that whatever He decides is right for us." - Such a powerful statement and a beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing in Friday Feedback!