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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Isaiah 54

Today has been a strange day.. Strange but sweet.. This morning I woke up to heavy rain outside, the house was quiet and dark. The hubbs had already left for work, and the dogs were quiet as mice. Strange because not many mornings in our household are like today's was. Most mornings, I'm up when Jeremy is getting ready for work, and the dogs are running wild through the house chasing one another (their early morning jitters). This morning just had a sweet vibe to it, though..and I don't really know how to explain it other than that. Just sweet. I started my coffee and let the dogs out to potty. Then I sat, in the dark with my Bible and read through Ruth because later in the day I was going to a bible study with old church friends where they would be covering that book. It was nice, and I had never actually read through all the chapters together before (there's only 4 for goodness sakes..shows how much I've neglected my Bible). Normally I would stop there, but I felt something pulling me to a passage of scripture that has weighed heavily on my heart lately. I've probably read it 20 times in the past week just because I feel like it should be the anthem over my life right now, and when I read it I feel so uplifted and ready to take on the world. But this morning was different. I wasn't going there because I wanted to. I felt like God was telling me to..like I could hear Him in my ear commanding me to read His words over again. This is the passage from Isaiah 54:1-3 in the Message:

"Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.
Fill the air with song, you who've never experienced childbirth!
You're ending up with far more children than all those childbearing women." God says so!
"Clear lots of ground for your tents!
Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big!
Use plenty of rope, drive the tent pegs deep.
You're going to need lots of elbow room for your growing family."...

Picking back up in verse 7:

Your Redeemer God says:
"I left you, but only for a moment. Now with enormous compassion, I'm bringing you back.
In an outburst of anger I turned my back on you -
but only for a moment.
It's with lasting love that I'm tenderly caring for you.
This exile is just like the days of Noah for me:
I promised then that the waters of Noah would never again flood the earth.
I'm promising now no more anger, no more dressing you down.
For even if the mountains walk away
and the hills fall to pieces,
My love won't walk away from you,
My covenant commitment of peace won't fall apart."
The God who has compassion on you says so.

And this time, as I re-read through that passage, it was like I could physically feel God wrapping his arms around me..And a peace I have never felt before came over me. And I literally sat there for a good 15 minutes just soaking it all in. Every word that I had read (and I read it out loud) touched a place in my heart that I had kept locked up and would not let God penetrate. I mean, what a promise! He was speaking directly to me in that, commanding me to sing! Basically telling me to get ready for what He is about to do in my life! And although He hasn't revealed the "when" or "how" to me, His word says that I will need elbow room for my growing family! And He says that no matter what happens along the way, or who walks away from me, His love will remain ever present! All I could do was sit there...and cry. And it was so sweet.

So then I put myself back together and went to this bible study about Ruth. So I get there, eat a good lunch, catch up with some old church friends and family, and we sort of do an overview of the study. After the study, some ladies asked if they could pray over me and for what Jeremy and I are going through. We all sat in the living room as these women laid their hands on my stomach and spoke life into me. And God made his presence known again. Such a calming, such a peace came over me, and I just knew that He was right there. I've always believed in prayer, but I'm not sure that I've always believed in the real power of prayer. But today I physically experienced God. It was strange, but it was so incredible.

I don't say all that to say that God made me pregnant today, or that suddenly tomorrow I'm gonna wake up pregnant..but I know that it's coming. And just as I was on the brink of giving up hope and always questioning if it will ever happen for us, God made himself very real in my life today. He literally rained down in my life today. I felt Him. I read His words, and I felt His promises deep down.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

In need of a good cleansing!!

...A good spiritual, mental, and emotional kind of cleanse, that is! I've just sort of realized lately that I am in a serious funk. It's no good! I hate every part of it. And this is how I realized:

  • I've always been one to keep my house clean, but lately I just couldn't care LESS. I've let it get pretty down-right dirty, and it's taking everything in me to type this..because frankly, it's just embarrassing!

  • Everything my husband does annoys me =( And the sad part is, he is not doing anything wrong. He tries and tries, and I just shut him out. Poor guy. He is really so wonderful.

  • I have cried every day for let's see...ugh, I lost track of the number of days.

  • I wake up tired (if that makes any freakin' sense!)

  • I wake up sad

  • I wake up mad

  • My skin has broken out and is making me look like a teenage girl going through puberty. It's gross.

  • I'm gonna stop here because these bullets could go on forever, but it is really depressing. You get the point.

I just don't feel like myself. Granted, I know we've been through a lot lately, but I long so much to just be able to cling to the TRUTH that I know. But I've just felt such distance from God. Like He's too far away or something. I know He's not, though. I just need some refreshing, a renewing of the mind and spirit. Like soon.

Some friends and I decided yesterday to really start to work hard on getting our lives together. For me, it's starting with a purging. A purging of all the stress and negativity I carry around all the time. And it's gonna happen in many different areas of my life..including the almighty FACEBOOK. I haven't quite worked up the motivation to delete my entire account, but I have worked up enough to clean out my "friends" list. It felt SO good. What it comes down to is that I need to get back to the basics. I have to start living out my words, rather than just saying them. I am keeping the people who I care about, and who care for me, and aren't just requesting to be my facebook "friend" so that they can keep daily tabs on what I'm doing with my life and look at my pictures to see how much weight I've gained. My life has to have more substance than that. And eventually, I may just delete the entire dang thing. I'll feel on top of the world that day, haha.

Next, I'm gonna really get disciplined with prayer in my life. I mean, I definitely pray, and I know and believe in the power of prayer, but it hasn't been a priority in my daily walk with God, and I've felt such a strong conviction about it lately. That, along with delving into the Word consistently, and I should be good to go =)

Also, in July, I'm taking a trip to Atlanta to attend the Jesus Culture conference. Jerms and I have discussed and decided that this is something I need to attend by myself (meaning without him). It should be good to get away for a few days and really focus on my relationship with Christ. I've kinda lost it in all the hype of this mess we've been in. I've struggled with not knowing what my purpose is in life anymore. I feel like once I get my head screwed back on straight, I'll be a better wife, homemaker, and human being.

As depressing as this post may be, I have to keep it real. It's all about being transparent, right? I need God to move in my life, and He's only going to do that if I allow him to. So today marks the beginning of a transformation in me. I'm excited, and I'm scared, but I'm also ready. So pray for me. The devil's been stealing my joy lately, but I'm taking it all back! I'm climbing out of the pits (<- yes, that's plural), people!

"Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean, scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life. Tune me in to foot-tapping songs, set these once-broken, dry bones to dancing. Don't look too close for blemishes, give me a clean bill of health. God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. Don't throw me out with the trash or fail to breathe holiness in me. Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails! Give me a job teaching rebels your ways so the lost can find their way home. Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God, and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways. Unbutton my lips, dear God; I'll let loose with your praise." Psalm 51:7-15 The Message

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Waiting for our miracle..

So it's been a few weeks since I last updated, and not much has happened since. After our not-so-good news we received, we both just needed a while to let things get back to normal (whatever that is). In the beginning it was very strange because we were in so much shock. It's definitely weird to look back over the time we've been trying to have a baby and think that had we just gotten that test done to start with, maybe we could have skipped a lot of the frustration and confusion that we dealt with along the way. However, it was never suggested to us before, and I don't want to waste time going over the "what if's" now. It is what it is, this is the hand that God has dealt us, and we just needed some time to get our hearts and minds back on track to see that no matter what has happened or will happen on our journey though this, God knows what He is doing. Who are we to question that??

Around the end of July, we will repeat the semen analysis to see if the results are the same. There's no known treatment for what they say my husband has, but my doctor recommended that over the next 2 months Jeremy should eat well, sleep well, exercise, etc. And maybe, just maybe, a healthier lifestyle may improve the motility of his sperm. However, along with all of that, I say that over the next 2 months Jeremy should pray, I should pray, our friends & family should pray, etc. And maybe, just maybe, God will answer some prayers that may improve the motility of his sperm. Other than the repeat test, we are unsure of what our next step will be. We definitely have options - IUI, IVF, and adoption - but none of those are attainable financially for us right now. And we both feel like God wants us to wait. So we're praying and waiting to hear what He wants us to do.

It's incredible how something so devastating has brought Jeremy and I closer. I love my husband. There is no other human being on this planet who I would rather go through this with. No other person would I rather wait with. Or hope with. Or pray with. None.

Please pray and believe with us.