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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

3 years...

I went to the store last night with full intentions of picking out a "Happy Anniversary" card for my husband. I walked out of the store and realized I forgot to do that very thing. Dang it. It's okay, though, I thought. I'm getting out again in the morning, I'll swing by and pick one out then.

This morning I woke up and looked at my husband laying next to me. He was still sleeping. Happy Anniversary, I said in my head as I rolled out of bed to go feed our sleepy-eyed, starving girl. Feed, change diaper, and back to bed we went. Just a short time later, he was tapping my arm to say good-bye as he was leaving for work. "Happy Anniversary, babe."

I got up, got myself and the baby dressed, and out the door we went with full intentions to pick out a very special card. I pull into the store's parking lot, and the sky opened up. The rain poured, and poured, and poured. No problem, though, I thought. We'll just wait it out for a few minutes. Now cue the infant's screaming. Frustrated, and now with the thunderstorm and a very cranky baby, there was NO WAY I was getting out of the car. So we left, and again...no card.

I know these are excuses, but they're very true excuses. I am also terrible at getting cards for my husband. Really, I suck at it. However, I am determined to not let this day pass on without expressing to him, and to everyone else, what this day means.

Today marks three years of marriage with this man. A very short time, in all actuality, but I'm pretty sure we he deserves a medal. These have been three of the most trying, difficult, and painful years of our lives...but what I want, and need for my husband to know is that

I wouldn't trade a single day for anything.

Marriage is not bliss. Moments of it definitely can be, don't get me wrong, but it is NOT easy. We have faced things that I never imagined would ever be a part of our lives. We are flawed, and very sinful creatures, and without our faith and belief in Jesus, I am not so sure we would've made it this far.

I wish that I could type all about how we communicate so well, we always get along, never argue, never go to bed angry (which I know we shouldn't), and every day just cannot wait to bear hug or something...but it would be a lie. However, what I can say after nearly 10 years of relationship and now 3 years of marriage, is that with letting go of the facade, and being truly honest with ourselves and with one another in the good times AND the bad - that is where true intimacy is found.

Three years ago, I made a choice. Yes I was in love, and absolutely still am with this man. But I stood there in front of God, in front of my man, and many other people, and I vowed to love, cherish, and ultimately to never give up on the love that brought us together.
No matter how many heartbreaks we would go through,
no matter how empty our bank account would get at times,
no matter how much we said hurtful things,
no matter how much weight our my body would gain,
no matter,
no matter,
no matter...we would not give up. And every single day we have to choose not to give up. We have learned that we cannot get through this life, or our marriage on a "feeling". We are two messy, very broken people who love one another very much, and we choose to stay true to those vows, and to the God who brought us together.

We have been so blessed. And I am so fortunate to be married to such a forgiving, committed man.


I freaking love you. I am sorry I don't have a card for you today. But honestly, I don't believe a card exists that could accurately sum up how much you mean to me. The past few years have been rough, to say the least. But I am so proud of the man that you are...for sticking with me, and for your willingness to fight for our love. Our marriage may not ever be perfect, but I know without a doubt that I cannot, and do not ever want to live this life without you. I don't care what we've gone through, or what is still to come our way...You are it, and I will choose you every single time. Thank you for loving me, for loving our daughter, and for striving to be such an amazing man of God. I am a lucky lady. I love you so much, and cannot wait to celebrate our marriage tonight.

Happy 3rd Anniversary!

We are getting closer and closer to Australia!!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

A beautiful transformation...

My husband and I have been an item literally since we were kids - 14 to be exact. Here we are coming up on 10 years of life together, and as I reflect over our time, I can see distinct moments of transformation in this sweet guy I married. We have been together long enough to have witnessed each other grow up. From driver's licenses to marriage, and everything in between, nothing has brought me more joy that watching my husband transform into a daddy in a split second.

The morning of October 3rd, I popped up out of bed to get to the hospital so that I could be next to birth mom's side as she was preparing for her first operation. Just a few days prior, she honored me by asking if I would be with her during the delivery, so we made plans for me to arrive at the hospital early that morning so that we could work out our anxieties together. Meanwhile, since only I was allowed to be in the OR, Jeremy waited in the waiting room nearby. Parts of me wish sometimes that I could have sat there with him, as I'm sure he was trying to make sense of the thoughts running through his head at the time. Those parts of me wish that I could have seen him pacing the floor, pouring yet another cup of mediocre coffee, and browsing through golf equipment on eBay as he watched time drag on while waiting for the news that our daughter was born.

He was right around the corner from the hospital's newborn nursery, so before he even knew that it was in fact his daughter that he was looking at through a blurry window, nurses wheeled our freshly delivered, chunky little bundle right into his line of sight. Eager to point him in the baby's direction, I came running out of the recovery room to meet him. "LOOK!" I said, as I flipped through photos I was able to snap of her in the OR. I tried my best to stand still and slow down as I ran through all the stats of her weight, length, and time of birth, but the adrenaline got the best of me. So he grabbed my hand instead, and led me to the nursery window where we stood for what seemed like forever, and watched our little girl demand nurses attention. I remember looking at him as he watched his daughter, smiling from ear to ear, and tears glazing his eyes, and I watched my husband transform into a father. Nothing could break his gaze, nor the bond that he felt toward his sweet baby...and he hadn't even gotten to touch her yet. We stood there in front of a window, and we became parents - not in the most conventional way, but in just the way God had always intended it to be.

Hours passed before nurses allowed for us to enter the nursery to be with our girl. They needed some time to monitor her and stabilize her blood sugar (gestational diabetes) before they let us in. We passed the time as we ate, called friends and family, and walked the mall to find her something special to wear for when we would bring her home. Soon the time came, though, and we shook nervously as we approached the bassinet where our baby lay. There in the dark, in a space all to ourselves, we rocked little Selah and got to feed her for the first time. And my heart swelled as I witnessed a new dad love on his baby. We marveled at how beautiful she was, and how distinct and perfect her little features were. A week ago we didn't even know she existed. And now our hearts were ruined with an indescribable love for this tiny being. We rocked, and we loved until we had to say goodnight. It was time for us to go, but we whispered in her ear of promises to return...to always return.

For two months now, I have watched this daddy-daughter bond grow. She loves his voice, and turns her head toward it at the first sound. Her eyes look at him in a way that is different from how she looks at everyone else. It is evident of how she loves him, her daddy. He has the most gentle way with this sweet girl, and it makes me proud to picture the sweet disposition he is helping to develop within her. He reads her books and she listens. She smiles at his silliness. He speaks and she is soothed. I couldn't ask for more.

I have always loved my life with this man. He is more than I could ever imagine. But this... This is different. This is my favorite time. I am blessed to watch him grow in love with her, as he cares for her, and as he is stretched to new places. She has brought a sparkle to his eyes and awakened him to life again. He is a dad to the most beautiful little girl. And I am in love with him.