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Thursday, June 10, 2010

In need of a good cleansing!!

...A good spiritual, mental, and emotional kind of cleanse, that is! I've just sort of realized lately that I am in a serious funk. It's no good! I hate every part of it. And this is how I realized:

  • I've always been one to keep my house clean, but lately I just couldn't care LESS. I've let it get pretty down-right dirty, and it's taking everything in me to type this..because frankly, it's just embarrassing!

  • Everything my husband does annoys me =( And the sad part is, he is not doing anything wrong. He tries and tries, and I just shut him out. Poor guy. He is really so wonderful.

  • I have cried every day for let's see...ugh, I lost track of the number of days.

  • I wake up tired (if that makes any freakin' sense!)

  • I wake up sad

  • I wake up mad

  • My skin has broken out and is making me look like a teenage girl going through puberty. It's gross.

  • I'm gonna stop here because these bullets could go on forever, but it is really depressing. You get the point.


I just don't feel like myself. Granted, I know we've been through a lot lately, but I long so much to just be able to cling to the TRUTH that I know. But I've just felt such distance from God. Like He's too far away or something. I know He's not, though. I just need some refreshing, a renewing of the mind and spirit. Like soon.

Some friends and I decided yesterday to really start to work hard on getting our lives together. For me, it's starting with a purging. A purging of all the stress and negativity I carry around all the time. And it's gonna happen in many different areas of my life..including the almighty FACEBOOK. I haven't quite worked up the motivation to delete my entire account, but I have worked up enough to clean out my "friends" list. It felt SO good. What it comes down to is that I need to get back to the basics. I have to start living out my words, rather than just saying them. I am keeping the people who I care about, and who care for me, and aren't just requesting to be my facebook "friend" so that they can keep daily tabs on what I'm doing with my life and look at my pictures to see how much weight I've gained. My life has to have more substance than that. And eventually, I may just delete the entire dang thing. I'll feel on top of the world that day, haha.

Next, I'm gonna really get disciplined with prayer in my life. I mean, I definitely pray, and I know and believe in the power of prayer, but it hasn't been a priority in my daily walk with God, and I've felt such a strong conviction about it lately. That, along with delving into the Word consistently, and I should be good to go =)

Also, in July, I'm taking a trip to Atlanta to attend the Jesus Culture conference. Jerms and I have discussed and decided that this is something I need to attend by myself (meaning without him). It should be good to get away for a few days and really focus on my relationship with Christ. I've kinda lost it in all the hype of this mess we've been in. I've struggled with not knowing what my purpose is in life anymore. I feel like once I get my head screwed back on straight, I'll be a better wife, homemaker, and human being.

As depressing as this post may be, I have to keep it real. It's all about being transparent, right? I need God to move in my life, and He's only going to do that if I allow him to. So today marks the beginning of a transformation in me. I'm excited, and I'm scared, but I'm also ready. So pray for me. The devil's been stealing my joy lately, but I'm taking it all back! I'm climbing out of the pits (<- yes, that's plural), people!

"Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean, scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life. Tune me in to foot-tapping songs, set these once-broken, dry bones to dancing. Don't look too close for blemishes, give me a clean bill of health. God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. Don't throw me out with the trash or fail to breathe holiness in me. Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails! Give me a job teaching rebels your ways so the lost can find their way home. Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God, and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways. Unbutton my lips, dear God; I'll let loose with your praise." Psalm 51:7-15 The Message

3 comments:

Joy Unspeakable said...

http://babycutler.blogspot.com/2010/02/new-me-in-60.html

read the post above, sounds pretty darn similar. Jessica, I am proud of you, brutal honesty can do nothing but keep the truth at the forefront, I need more of that. I challenge you, (as a friend facing mutual pits) to blog through this. Not necessarily daily, but routinely, maybe from now until Atlanta, and maybe - just maybe - you'll have a journal of sorts to look back on, and you can visually see the transformation. It's a transformation that I am believing we will see (we as in I'm in this with you).

I'm sick of those who judge people and situations that they know nothing about. They make accusations and pass advice as if they know it all, but the truth is, only He knows it all. I just count myself blessed to walk with those who aren't perfect, so that when we do make it through this, we can testify together that we saw the dry bones come to life.

You are dearly loved

Rachel said...

Oh, Jess, I am so proud of you for your honesty. That is one thing I have always admired in you.

We are in this together! We will get through this, and we will get out of our pits! Our Deliverer is coming...

Christy nailed it on the head, with her above comment. I, too, am believing for transformation. I am excited to see what God is going to do this summer. And I'm happy to be sharing it with my best friends!! Love you.

Carly Haskins said...

Your such a strong person Jessica!! I believe in you and know everything will turn out for the best! Ive been praying for you and will continue to. Please let me know if you need ANYTHING!! i love you girl!