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Sunday, January 9, 2011

A restless night ahead...

I feel like a kid at Christmas right now...can't stop thinking about our meeting at the adoption agency tomorrow evening. We're both so excited, but trying to remain calm at the same time. Funny thing is, nothing huge is happening at this meeting other than informational overload. However, the possibilities of what lies ahead is what is making my heart pound.

I've had to learn and grow to be okay with the fact that my dreams for my life and God's dreams for my life aren't necessarily the same. I think it's safe to say that my life, as I planned it out to be when I was a kid, is nothing like what I imagined. I had dreams that I was sure would come true, that in fact haven't in the slightest. And I admit that I wasted a lot of time being angry and resentful toward God for not giving me what I have always wanted. I finally got to a point when I just gave up in a sense, deciding to hand it all over to the Lord, but maintaining this attitude of, "Okay, God. Fine, I'll give you my life," like I was doing Him some sort of favor. Over time, though, with lots of grace, love, and truth, He is revealing His will for my life...and I have to say it is way better than any plan I could ever have come up with. I've learned the hard way that by being obedient to go where God is taking me, spiritually and even physically, makes life all the more worth living. I cannot describe how wonderful it feels for the first time in my entire life to be at peace. To be able to let go of so much crap, and see Gods plans for me unfold, while falling more and more in love with Him, is overwhelming. It's like things are beginning to make sense. And that is a lot to say for someone who has struggled all her life trying to figure this thing called "life" out, but feeling like she's just been wandering and getting nowhere for 23 years. That's not to say it's easy, but it is absolutely freeing. I. Feel. Free.

I still have dreams of someday having a biological child. I still feel an ache inside at the thought of it not happening. But at the same time, I am in love with a Savior who I trust will provide. I carry hope that He will take that lonely ache and turn it into a love so deep, and so full, that it beautifully aches for the special miracle He entrusts me to care for every day. His son or daughter who will call me "Mommy". Biologically related to me or not.

Seek God's will for your life. It will be a process. It will take time, and it probably will not be easy. But I promise He has a greater plan. Just be obedient to the call, and one day we will all look back and see that it all makes sense...and best of all, that it was worth it.

1 comment:

Fearfully. Wonderfully. said...

as the days unfold, I see this blog becoming your story. It will be so wonderful to have these posts to look back on. Especially because they reflect so clearly what is in your heart.

I am encouraged to read what God is doing. In a way, I feel like I am on the brink of where you are at. I am longing for that place of peace and contentment. The place of truly believing that what God has is so much better than what I could conjure up for my own life.

Keep sharing, friend!