Thank You, God...

for this little girl.

"I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all Your works and consider what Your hands have done."  Psalm 143:5

I have to believe...

Why is it so hard for us to have faith for and in others, but not for ourselves? How is it that when we're asked to pray for miracles in so many situations around us, that we can pray fervently, and believe with all our might that God will come through, yet not do the same when the waves are crashing angrily in our own lives?   Why do I put God in such a tiny box when I am overwhelmed by the seemingly impossibilities? After all I've seen that He is absolutely capable of - the only One capable of - why do I put my fear and doubt in the way of His movement, and His purpose for my life's circumstances?
We are in need of a financial miracle in when it comes to our adoption. I'm kind of gonna leave it at that. What we thought was going to work out has now been removed as an option, thanks to the government.  Instead, we are taking on several thousand dollars of debt, and we will have another monthly payment to add to the stack.

Please know that I do not mean to complain here. We knew the cost involved when we pursued this road of adoption. There are absolutely no regrets.

But is it discouraging to count on two hands how many times we've been denied for adoption grants? Yes.
Does it hurt to know how some people speak out of place about how I need to get a job, and how we've made our bed and now we need to lay in it? You bet.

Is it infuriating when people make mention of a price tag that's attached to our daughter? Extremely. Because my daughter didn't cost us a thing. She was already bought and paid for by the blood of Jesus Christ. But the services attached to the completion of any adoption cost money.
Adoption is biblical. And I will always defend the cause, regardless of the cost.
**Romans 8, and Galatians 4 speak of how we are adopted into sonship by God... Acts 7 speaks of how Pharaoh's daughter takes in baby Moses and "brought him up as her own son"... James 1 teaches us about religion that God accepts as pure and faultless: to look after orphans and widows in their distress... Psalm 68 speaks of "A father to the fatherless..setting the lonely in families"... Isaiah 1 encourages to "take up the cause of the fatherless"... Esther 2 teaches of an orphan girl named "Hadassah", also known as Esther, who was "brought up" by her cousin Mordecai...**
But...the reality of it is that we have got to pay off this loan so that we can raise our daughter without any cloud of financial guilt and burden hanging overhead.  Raising a child is costly anyway, but to pay hundreds of dollars every month to have the opportunity to do just that is overwhelming.

Financially, we hoped it would be different. We prayed it would be easier. But the world doesn't always come through for us.
So now, we just have to believe God, with the same kind of belief that we have had for others... With the same kind of belief that we had when we were waiting for our daughter to arrive... We have to believe that He will come through.  He has done it so many times before. We have to entrust the whole thing to God, while being good stewards of what we have, and seek the guidance we need to take the steps that God wants for us.
Will you pray with us? God is good. Always.

Another Mothers Day...

Needless to say, this Mothers Day is dramatically different for me than last year. This year, I'm still trying to wrap my head around how I got so blessed to get to be Mom to this little girl...

Photo by Amick Cutler
Really, I'm at a loss for words, except but to say that God is good. Only He can bring such restoration to this momma's heart.

But even in the midst of the joy my heart has for this baby girl, I still ache for those with empty arms. There's no way I can look into my daughter's eyes and not think of the selfless woman who gave her life. 

I wish there were words that could bring some sort of comfort, healing, or clarity to whatever situation that so many longing mother's hearts are facing... But all I know is that because of this road that God is walking with me on, I can say with everything I am that He is good. He is faithful. And He is trustworthy.  And I'm gonna leave it at that.

God prevails...

"How does it feel?" I get this question a lot these days, in regards to what it feels like to be a mom. I try, I really do, to answer the question, but I always feel like my response is a mediocre attempt to try and explain what my heart truly feels.



Overwhelmingly joyful. Fulfilling. Rewarding. Happy.

Don't get me wrong. Motherhood is far from easy. The past six months have stretched me more emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually than ever before. The responsibility is huge, and there are many days when I just wanna get away for a while. My daily fragrance usually exists of spit-up, and because I'm terrified to wear my nicer clothes, I resort to a hole-y t-shirt and baggy jeans. My husband and I are lucky if we get to converse with each other about anything other than formula, poopy diapers, and whether we want a ham and cheese sandwich or a bowl of cereal for dinner. Exhaustion runs rampant, always. Caffeine intake is way up, and I've kind of been forced to drink my coffee cold now. Four out of the seven days a week, I don't even leave the house...or see another adult. I am in desperate need of a chiropractor, my house severely needs a deep cleaning, and most days we just have to laugh about finances to keep from crying. And I know our hardest days are yet to come.

As Selah grows, so will the trials. The questions will get harder. She is going to feel pain and heartache. She will struggle with something. Times will get harder. I know....

But every time someone asks me how it feels, all I can answer with is how I feel:

I feel blessed to be chosen by God to raise this little girl. Blessed. Out of all the possible outcomes, God saw fit, Selah's birth family saw fit, and all sorts of agents, judges, and specialists saw fit that she be placed in our hands.

I feel blessed to know that it goes beyond someone just seeing fit, but that is was divinely orchestrated that she is here with us now. Before we were chosen for Selah, our puny little profile was placed in the hands of two other families who were very interested. And both times we just knew that it wasn't the right fit. Both times, God closed those doors. The way He timed everything, and delivered on His promises could never be stamped as a coincidence or luck. It was His perfect plan.

I feel so thankful for the passion that grew in mine and my husband's heart for adoption. And I am thankful that God took the time that He did with our story to grow that passion...that He shut the doors for us toward fertility treatments and procedures that would have caused us to miss out on Selah. In many ways, the honest brutal truth is that I'm thankful that He closed my womb in the first place (oh the years it has taken me to even type those words).

I feel so overwhelmingly grateful for the match that was made between Jeremy and I, and Selah's birth mom. It is because of God's goodness that we were not only chosen by her, but that I was allowed the opportunity to be there for the birth, to hold my baby right after she was born. I will never be able to fully describe how grateful I am that I didn't have to miss out on that. I will forever cherish the things - the conversations, the building of trust, and relationship, no matter how big or small - that happened in that little hospital room over that one week.

I am so blessed to know God's peace that surpasses all understanding. From not knowing if we would ever have children, to then holding our baby girl in our arms and not knowing if we would be able to keep her...It is only because of God's peace that we made it through. There was a huge scare after Selah was born regarding paternity. The guy who was thought to be the birth father was very uncertain from the beginning as to whether he was or not. Once Selah was born, and another possible birth father came into the mix, we found ourselves in a very scary situation. With DNA test results pending, we were terrified that neither possibility would be willing to go through with the adoption. 

 I'll never forget the day we left the hospital with our baby. Before we could drive home, we had to meet at the agency to sign some final documents, and all I remember is our adoption specialist looking us in the eyes and telling us that she thought it would be best to place Selah in interim care until the DNA results came back. She wanted to do what she could to protect us from getting our hearts ripped out if the results didn't work out in our favor (one of the potential birth father's signed his consent regardless of the DNA results, and the other wanted to parent if he turned out to be the father). Anyway, the specialist looked at us and gave us her thoughts on what she would do if we left the decision up to her for interim care. I felt the fight well up inside and I told her through an emotional breakdown that I didn't care about my heart being ripped out. Tear this brand new baby away from me after all we just went through, put her in interim care, and you'll see my heart be ripped out anyway. Jeremy and I agreed that we were willing to take the "at risk placement", we signed the risky placement form, and we took our baby home to care for her for the three weeks we had to wait for DNA results. All that to say that I'm blessed to have had the peace of God during that time. It guarded my heart and gave me the strength I needed in that moment to make the best decision, rather that fearing the unknown and missing out on nearly the entire first month of Selah's life.

I am so blessed to be loved by this little girl. Maybe she'll question things later, but for now I just soak up the mother-daughter bond between us that isn't determined by strands of DNA. I bask in the love of a Savior that is blind to race and ethnicity. I give thanks that no matter what it took to get here, that God brought us here. Together. Our little family of three.

It's in my answer to people's question of what it feels like that it hits me:

It doesn't matter how hard it gets at times. It doesn't matter what it looks like. It doesn't matter how conventional or unconventional. It just matters that it's God's plan. And when it's His plan, it just works. Doesn't mean it is always easy, or that it won't be hard. But even in the midst of the difficult, when it's God who is orchestrating, not us, the good outweighs the bad. Light will shine no matter how dark sometimes. Joy will be present, and we will find thanks, because God prevails. Always.

Shopping for Selah...

Thanks be to God, our adoption was finalized yesterday :) We are happy to now live out our days as an official family of three!

We're still in the process of paying for the adoption. Fortunately, we were able to take out a loan before finalization, which allowed us to pay off our balance with the adoption agency. But unfortunately, we now have a monthly payment at over $300 that we will put out until the loan balance is paid off. We had to take out the loan because we were denied by every grant organization we applied for, and our balance had to be paid in full before our court hearing. We are happy it worked out and we were able to complete the adoption, but the added monthly expense is pretty overwhelming...and providing for a child on a daily basis is expensive as it is!

Needless to say, we've made a few steps in the last couple of months to eliminate quite a bit of debt to allow some breathing room to make the loan payment. We sold my car recently, and down-graded to a reliable, but less-expensive vehicle, and we're currently working on selling my husband's SUV to do the same. This has helped, but even still, we it is a little disappointing to know that we had to take out a loan in order to have a family. What in the world?!

Nevertheless, we're thankful. We are just going to take more steps forward to do some fundraising to pay off this loan. So without further ado, I present to you

One of my best friends, whose blog you must frequent, is a wonderful 31 Gifts consultant. A few weeks ago, she came to me with an idea she had to host a 31 party, but donate a great portion of the funds towards our adoption. So we began brainstorming, and I am so excited over what we came up with!

One of my favorite parts, though, is that even though many people won't be able to physically come to the party, there is still a way you can help online!

1. Click on this link

2. Browse the online catalog and pick out a bunch of things you like!

3. Click on My Events, then Shopping for Selah

4. Place your order :)

25% of every purchase will be donated to our adoption fund! See! Great idea :) This will be the third 31 Gifts party that I've been to, and I have found something I love and made purchases at every one! It's a great line of products! So Shop, Shop, Shop away!! Thanks :)

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is a very big day, to say the least. Today I find myself at a loss for words. Jeremy and I are so excited, relieved, and ready to put the final seal of approval on this chapter in our lives, and grateful to be so blessed to get to be Mom and Dad to this beautiful little girl forever.

Selah,

I want you to know how much we love you. As I put you in your pretty dress tomorrow, I want you to know that the day means much more than just sparkles and frills. As Momma and Daddy drive away from the house with you, it means much more than just a car ride and a quick nap. And when you see us cry in front of the old guy in the black robe, we want you to know that we are not sad in the least bit. Everything your little eyes see happen tomorrow has been in God's plan since before any of us were ever created, and the tears you will see us cry are tears of complete JOY and CELEBRATION over YOU.
You, my little girl, are our miracle. You are a perfect picture of how mighty and powerful our God is...how GOOD HE is. Your life has brought so much more than just middle-of-the-night wake up calls and dirty diapers. Your life has brought
Healing.
Happiness.
Comfort.
Truth.
Beauty.
Triumph.
Victory.
Hope.
Light.

We are going to celebrate your official addition to our family tomorrow. It's going to be a day all about you, the miraculous gift that you are. We want you to know that you have a story. You have purpose, and a calling in this life.

You are such a blessing, little girl. From the moment I watched you take your first breath, I knew you were created for something big. I felt it.

In the upcoming years, as you learn your story, we want you to know that although the circumstances might be a little different than some other families, we are your Momma and Daddy. Always have been, and always will be.

You are one loved baby, Selah. LOVED. So try not to get too upset with us tomorrow as we kiss your face off.

So that being said, officially, legally,
Welcome to the family, Selah Laren Moore!

Love,
Momma

Updates!

Just a few things :)

• I've been talking a bunch about finalization being "right around the corner", but it literally is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. March 6th to be exact. To be honest, we didn't expect it to be so soon (mainly because of what we were being told), but we should've known that with the way timing has worked out throughout this entire process, finalization would be no exception. So in about two weeks, we will walk into the court house and hear the best news of our lives! We are ecstatic!

• With finalization comes a pretty hefty amount due that we still need to pay for this adoption. Time has not been on our side when it comes to having enough (time) to raise the funds, but there are a few things in the works that we are believing that God is going to use tremendously to allow people to pull together to help. Be on the look out in the next few days to see how you can help!

• Selah is almost 5 months old, and I cannot believe it. I feel like these months have gone by so fast that I barely remember what it was like in the first days. Lately I've been watching all of our videos and scrolling through every picture to take myself back. Part of me grieves a little over not soaking in every single moment, but then the rest of me is trying with all of my might to not let another 5 months slip away without doing just that. I am so thankful for the way that God has designed my little family. I am blessed to be able to stay at home with my sweet girl, and I will not allow a schedule, or circumstances, or anything else to cloud my perspective and steal me away from being fully present for her. All the bad days, the stress, or any other yuck is not worth it. She is worth it. And always will be.

• From the time we brought her home, we've had to go through adoption agency supervisory visits once a month. Basically all that means is that our adoption specialist comes to our house once a month until finalization, and interviews, observes, and takes notes on things like bonding/attachment, how we are adjusting, baby's development, etc.. Well thank God we just had our very last visit last week. We love our adoption specialist, but we are beyond happy that these visits are over. There is nothing like feeling like your every move with your child is being documented, and with our last visit came a great presence of freedom. We are ready to just fully embrace our roles as Selah's mom and dad, and sever the things that have made us feel like temporary caretakers.

• Lastly (for now), I will end with the fact that I am completely in love. The past few weeks with my daughter have really begun to show how much she recognizes me, wants me, and needs me. And there is something so rewarding about that. There is still a part of me that wonders, and longs to know what it feels like to bond with a baby growing inside for 9 months. If I gave birth, I wonder if our baby would look like me or my husband. Those thoughts exist, and probably always will. But it doesn't make me any less of a mother. Selah brings out the mommy inside of me, and her life fulfills the calling that has always been for my life. I look at her and I see my purpose. And now I know that that purpose goes beyond pregnancy or just having a baby. It goes beyond just being a mom, or wife. The purpose doesn't end with a title. I believe that me being a mom, specifically a mom to Selah, and adopting, and journeying all of this with my husband, that these are all just parts to the bigger picture of God's glory... God's glory in this life, on this earth, for His kingdom. As I watch her grow, and as I take care of her, I am overwhelmed by how much I love her. She is such a miracle. Such a beautiful creation, and I cannot wait to see what God calls her to in life. I am her Mom, and I am such a lucky lady.