A new "to do" list...

Yesterday I went through our adoption folder and made a list of what we need to get done (paperwork, household stuff, other preparations) before we can bring a little one home. When I took a step back and looked at the extensive content of that list I became a tad overwhelmed. One of our first steps includes making a profile book about our marriage, beliefs, lifestyle, etc, complete with photos that will give birth mothers an idea of what life for their child will be like if we are chosen to be their adoptive parents. This, to me personally, is weighing heavily. I don't know about other couples or what they may go through in deciding what to put in theirs, but I get emotional at the thought. I can't imagine the kind of courage and strength it takes to carry a child, love that child, and then choose a plan of adoption for that little life. But what a selfless and beautiful thing it is! So trying to decide on what to include in our book that will give her a great first impression, and hopefully lead her to choose us, does not seem to do justice to the happiness that her selfless decision could bring to our lives. We have to include a letter to the birthparent(s) in our book. There are so many things I want to say, and narrowing these thoughts down to fit in a one and a half page letter is hard, to say the least.

It is difficult to even put into one thought what my heart feels about what we are about to go through. Every day I have to have a heart to heart with God. I need His guidance so that every response to every question we have to answer is reflective of Him living in us. I need to draw in on His strength to make it through strong and confident in my abilities as a mother, but to humble myself so that He can improve on my weaknesses. I need to be obedient so that He can continue to direct my paths with every decision. I need Him to teach me patience and to keep a good perspective through the hard times. I need His love to consume me, so that my life as well as other lives might be changed through this. Pray for us!!

A new beginning...

Step one of our adoption process has been completed as of this evening!! Our meeting exceeded our expectations, and we left feeling even more confirmation over this decision than what we went in with. Now that we are loaded with tons of information, we are ready to start our application and get ready for our home study.

I'm not ready to reveal details of the route we are taking here on my blog, but as we get further into the process I will. There is still a lot to pray over, and God still has the reigns here, so jumping the gun and revealing those details is probably not the wisest decision. We have a long road ahead, so we appreciate the prayers and support more than we can say!

We just want God's will for this adoption. We will love whatever child He blesses us with. Please continue to pray, specifically for finances, our emotions, and especially for the birth parent(s) of our future child, even though we have no idea who it will be. Pray for protection over their heart(s) as they make one of the most difficult, yet most beautiful and selfless decisions of their life.

Our adoption specialist gave us this verse tonight as encouragement and challenge:

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.". James 1:27 (NIV)

A restless night ahead...

I feel like a kid at Christmas right now...can't stop thinking about our meeting at the adoption agency tomorrow evening. We're both so excited, but trying to remain calm at the same time. Funny thing is, nothing huge is happening at this meeting other than informational overload. However, the possibilities of what lies ahead is what is making my heart pound.

I've had to learn and grow to be okay with the fact that my dreams for my life and God's dreams for my life aren't necessarily the same. I think it's safe to say that my life, as I planned it out to be when I was a kid, is nothing like what I imagined. I had dreams that I was sure would come true, that in fact haven't in the slightest. And I admit that I wasted a lot of time being angry and resentful toward God for not giving me what I have always wanted. I finally got to a point when I just gave up in a sense, deciding to hand it all over to the Lord, but maintaining this attitude of, "Okay, God. Fine, I'll give you my life," like I was doing Him some sort of favor. Over time, though, with lots of grace, love, and truth, He is revealing His will for my life...and I have to say it is way better than any plan I could ever have come up with. I've learned the hard way that by being obedient to go where God is taking me, spiritually and even physically, makes life all the more worth living. I cannot describe how wonderful it feels for the first time in my entire life to be at peace. To be able to let go of so much crap, and see Gods plans for me unfold, while falling more and more in love with Him, is overwhelming. It's like things are beginning to make sense. And that is a lot to say for someone who has struggled all her life trying to figure this thing called "life" out, but feeling like she's just been wandering and getting nowhere for 23 years. That's not to say it's easy, but it is absolutely freeing. I. Feel. Free.

I still have dreams of someday having a biological child. I still feel an ache inside at the thought of it not happening. But at the same time, I am in love with a Savior who I trust will provide. I carry hope that He will take that lonely ache and turn it into a love so deep, and so full, that it beautifully aches for the special miracle He entrusts me to care for every day. His son or daughter who will call me "Mommy". Biologically related to me or not.

Seek God's will for your life. It will be a process. It will take time, and it probably will not be easy. But I promise He has a greater plan. Just be obedient to the call, and one day we will all look back and see that it all makes sense...and best of all, that it was worth it.

A little sentiment...

Tonight i had one of the most incredible conversations with my husband that I think i have ever had before. Such meaning and beauty pouring out of my Love's spirit nearly crippled me as I listened to him speak of his emotions about adoption. The tears poured from his eyes as he shared with me how important this is to him, and how excited he is to walk this road the Lord has set before us. I love him EVEN more because of this conversation. Beauty.

I've referred to our story of trying to conceive as a "journey" because it truly has been one. Two years ago we made the decision to actively "try", although we could not imagine what lay before us. Its been a time of waiting, trusting, hoping, praying, believing, rebuking, declaring, singing, mourning, wishing, seeking, growing, etc., that ultimately has opened our eyes and hearts to the truth that God has a plan. It's not over yet, but my heart is bursting at the seams with gratitude for what the Lord has done in us these past two years.

I was catching up on one of my favorite blogs yesterday, and although our stories are completely different, the writer could not have summed my feelings up any better. In the following text, Matt Hammitt, lead singer of Sanctus Real, beautifully articulates a very important point about "waiting" that I feel like God has been trying to teach me for two years. This is what he writes as it applies to his story:

"As I lovingly stared into Bowen’s eyes just before midnight, my face only inches from his chest, I thought, ‘This love is an awesome mess.’ I know I’m not the first person to think or to say something like that. Many great works of art have titles that are reminiscent of those words. I believe it’s because tension is the place where the worst of life and the best of true hope meet to unveil our eyes to God’s artistic work of redemption. What a mighty and creatively loving God we serve. He allows us to know great pain, so that we can know the greater pleasure of trading it in for purpose.”- Matt Hammitt

For real!!...Tension is the place where the worst of life and the best of hope meet to unveil our eyes to Gods artistic work of redemption..God has allowed us to know great pain for two years now SO THAT we can know the greater pleasure of trading it in for purpose - purpose being that miracle that we will receive eventually, whether biological or adopted; our purpose in life as parents. At the start of our journey, I never thought I would someday be able to look back and feel gratitude for all the heartache and gut-wrenching moments I've experienced waiting for a miracle baby. But now I can say I am witnessing Gods wonderfully artistic work of redemption unfold as He lovingly paints the rest of our story. It has not been easy the least bit, but I can say the waiting seems worth it now just to have the peace I feel in my heart because God is in control here.

On Monday we will take our first official step in this adoption process by attending our first meeting. We are excited, we are anxious, but we are following where God is taking us. Two years ago, the thought of adoption never entered my mind, but I praise and thank Him for changing my heart and giving me a new passion - one that I know is ordained by Him and what He wants for my life, rather than just what I want for my life. And I cannot give enough thanks for how He has brought my life companion to that same place.

Psalm 130:5-7
I pray to God—my life a prayer—
and wait for what he’ll say and do.
My life’s on the line before God, my Lord,
waiting and watching till morning,
O Israel, wait and watch for God -
With Gods arrival comes love,
With Gods arrival comes generous redemption.

iPads & 1200 thread count bed sheets...

These two items are my new guilty pleasures. Both were Christmas presents. I say guilty pleasures because even though I love having them both, I feel like a total diva as I sit up in my king-sized bed that's adorned with newly washed silken smooth sheets, typing away and browsing the web on my iPad. Oh well. As long as I don't develop the heart or the personality of a diva, right?

Anyway, I don't want an entire blog post to be about my two newest material possessions. As excited as I am about them, I am even more excited about the life changes that are about to take place. And we all know the best way to document such things is by trusty ole' bullet points. In all seriousness, though, with the upcoming new year, I have plans to make some big changes, and I feel it's good to put these things down as sort of a means of holding myself accountable. <- and others, too, of course. That being said:

*I'm on my way to a healthier lifestyle. Physically speaking, I have a want to be more active, and a longing to feel better about myself. I'm tired of living day after day hating certain things about the way I look, but lacking the motivation or the will to change those things. It's time for me to get serious. Mentally speaking, I have to make changes as well. Its time for me to put my foot down and stop letting negative thoughts and insecurities hold me back. I want to look in the mirror and know without a doubt that my husband loves me, rather than question all the time. Sure I carry a few more pounds than I did when he first met me, but it hasn't changed who I am, which ultimately is the reason he fell in love with me to begin with. But that doesn't mean I let myself go (physically) either. I want to be my best physically and mentally for my husband, and more importantly, myself. So the new year will begin with a new running schedule, and I will kick it off in February with my first ever 5k run. I registered already. I'm excited. No turning back. Period.

*A few posts back, I wrote a little about some possibilities for adoption becoming a reality for us. Jeremy and I talk about it a lot, and really feel the calling on our life together to adopt a child. We would still love to have a biological child, but we know we have to wait on the Lord for that miracle. And we are both okay with that. As far as adopting, nothing is set in stone as far as details go, but we know we are supposed to move forward. I am so excited about what this year will hold. Just to preface, though, I hold no expectations. I trust that God is going to lead us exactly where we need to go. I know it's probably going to be a difficult, emotional and long road ahead, but we both just want to be obedient to what God has planned for our life as parents.

*We are also going to take as many opportunities as possible for 2011 to pay off some debt. I think throughout our relationship we've done a pretty good job of keeping the numbers low (and I have to say we have never owned a credit card to this day), but it will be a happy day in our household when a vehicle is paid off!! So here's to getting out of debt!

There is obviously more, but not everything needs to be put out there. I'm gonna leave it at that for now and go be a diva while I enjoy a cup of coffee in my bed with my iPad and 1200 thread count sheets :-)

It's a special day...

Back in 2003, I was a freshman in high school. This was me:



(I know, I know, I am so young...) I didn't particularly like the beginning of my first year in high school. It was awkward, kids were mean and snotty since they thought they were oh so cool, and I had just left my jr. high school that I loved so much. Needless to say, walking the halls at WFHS as a freshman took some getting used to.

Until I met this guy...

He was so cute to me, and not to mention a s.m.o.o.t.h. talker, and shortly after the start of our high school days, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Although we couldn't see it then, we were your typical high school romance: We would walk to every single class together; we would eat together in the cafeteria; we wrote notes to one another in nearly every period, and then desperately try and smuggle them into each others hand before the bell rang; we had our own secret spots where we could steal a quick smooch, then feel like total bad "A's" when we'd come out of hiding having just escaped getting caught; he was the baseball player, and I was a cheerleader; everyone knew us together, but hardly anyone knew us apart; we told each other "I love you", barely knowing what that really entailed; we had an "anniversary"; we talked on the phone for hours upon hours everyday after just seeing each other all day....I could go on forever. We were 4 years worth of mush for each other. And high school days after Jeremy weren't so hard for me any more. He made them easy, and fun for me every day.

I remember those days so vividly and how we made so many plans of how we would go off to college together (really it was I would follow him wherever he went), then get married, have kids...the whole works. We had set plans. We'd get serious about those plans for a minute or two, but then the next we'd be getting into our fancy clothes so we could go off to our ball, a.k.a our school dance, together. We made so many memories:

Our first spring dance




Before we knew it, we had been "dating" for 2 whole years! We celebrated every year, but this one was a big one. Jeremy planned a day in Destin where he took me on a sailboat dolphin cruise. I remember feeling that day that this wasn't just a temporary school yard relationship. I remember looking at him and being able to visualize me marrying this dude. He cared so much. He loved hard. He courted me and made me feel special. I felt beautiful with him. He was sensitive. I loved him.


We were inseparable


Our senior year was a big one. I think it hit us both that our school days were coming to an end. We were both scrambling to finish out the year with amazing grades, we were both haunted by the worry of getting accepted into college, we were trying to figure out how we were going to make those "plans" that we had set with one another come to fruition. Suddenly, things didn't look so easy anymore. But we had to put those thoughts aside to make one last beautiful senior memory: 12th grade PROM!!


In all actuality, our school prom sucked, but being there with my love was the highlight for me. We had made it so far. And Jeremy made the night beautiful for me.


To shorten this a bit, we graduated, moved in together, worked full time and Jeremy went to school full time, got our own apartment, and quickly became young adults. About a year after we graduated high school, Jeremy proposed to me. We were young, had no clue what we were doing or how we could afford such a thing, but one thing remained: We were crazy in love with each other, still, after so many years. There was no doubt in my mind that he was the guy I had always wanted. A year and a half of wedding planning led to this special day:

December 20, 2008






And here we are two more years later. That's a grand total of nearly 8 years together. Crazy! It amazes me that two 14 year old kids have grown into husband and wife. So all that to say:

Jeremy, I love you more than life itself. You are my first true love, and I am proud to call you husband. You have enriched my life, and I cannot remember it without you. Thank you for asking me to be your wife, and for wanting to spend the rest of your life with me. I know it has not always been perfect circumstances, but there is no other person I would rather walk these roads with than you. I am a better person because I married you, and I thank God for gracing me with such a beautiful companion. I love who you are and what you stand for. I love you so much, but my favorite thing is to stand here today and still be able to say that I am IN love with you. Happy anniversary, Love, and I can't wait for many many more!

Love,
Jessica Faith

A little inspiration...

I came across this video this morning from a local church here in town, and all I can muster up to describe how beautiful this story is, is tears...lots and lots of tears.

Below you will find a beautiful, yet heart-wrenching story of a little girl named Serena who is battling a very complicated and debilitating disease. My heart aches as I listen to this little girl talk of her life and all she's been through already at such a young age. But her spirit and faith in God left me with a sense of peace, and a yearning to continue trusting and believing in the Lord through tough circumstances.

I may not know what you're going through, but I only pray that after you are finished watching this 12 minute testimony, that peace comes over you and that you may know that there is hope and happiness in Christ. I hope Serena's faith inspires you to believe for yourself of the miracles that are possible through our God. *If you think about skipping out early before the full 12ish minutes are up, you will be sorry. Just saying.
Be blessed by this: