I Surrender...

The Jesus Culture conference in ATL totally blew my socks off! Since I've gotten back home, many people have asked me about how it went, what I learned, etc., and I've found it very difficult to even put into words. So far, I've been able to come up with something like, *huge smile* "Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh." Sort of like a really long sigh. Kind of awkward, I know (for anyone reading who may have gotten that response), but I just don't know how to even summarize all that God did that weekend in one conversation. That being said, I think I'm going to have to break it up into several posts, which probably will not consist of any type of order or structure. However, I'm confident that with all God changed and is still changing within me, He will give me the perfect words for each upcoming conversation and blog post.

One could probably assume from this post title what I am about to say. But while I was away, God dealt with me hugely on the topic of surrender. I realized that my entire life as a "Christian" has never been what it needs to be. Up until recently, I have not given over a single thing to God - not a single circumstance, stress, need, want, relationship, angry feeling...NOTHING. I've said that I have, but my relationship with my Savior is not reflective of such an action. Because had I truly surrendered my life to Him, I wouldn't need to feel in control of every aspect of my life, because God would actually be in control for once. I wouldn't need to find my security in my husband, because I would know my identity in Christ, and that is all the security I need. I wouldn't need a drawn out explanation of why we've been told we need to go through specific procedures in order to have children, because I would believe beyond any shadow of a doubt that nothing is impossible for God. I wouldn't be scared or worried about every next step and place in my life, because I would be able to trust in the Lord and read his word to find comfort and peace. I've been miserable for so stinking long because I'm so tired of fighting for answers, and fighting to feel loved, and fighting for reassurance in this world, when truth is, I'll never find any of it without Christ.

This battle with infertility has been one of the scariest times in my life. It's terrifying to think that I may never give birth and get to experience all that comes with raising a child. The thought of never seeing what God creates with equal parts of me and my husband is gut wrenching. I look around at my friends and their beautiful kids, and I listen to them tell stories so sweet about their children that bring tears to my eyes, and I know there's nothing in life that I want more. And there's a problem with that statement.
How can I pray to God and beg him to bless me with a child when I don't desire a relationship with him above all else? Total surrender to Christ, in my life, means giving up everything - my relationships, my life plans, my rights, my pleasures, EVERYTHING - to follow Him. I can't keep living a life of contradiction, where I say I serve the Lord, but sacrifice nothing. I have been living a life of false surrender, and I have been mastered by anything and everything except by God. God is bringing me to a place where I don't just give him something to get by. He wants my surrender, and he wants it regardless of what I hope the future holds for my husband and I. Even if it means I never have children.

The wrecking ball that I talked about in my last post definitely came! I left that conference after every session feeling like I had just been beaten up. And it was like, even though I sat through most sessions feeling like the most horrible person to ever walk the face of the earth, God was in my ear the entire time saying, "I don't care...I love you...Come with me...Give it all to me...Burn for me...Start right now..." And I walked out with an indescribable feeling of peace. And as I laid my offerings before the Lord, I could feel the hurt, anger, and weight of the world being lifted. And I knew in those moments that this was the beginning of a new life for me...a life set apart and wholly surrendered unto God.

That conference does not get the credit for changing me..God does. He showed up mightily that weekend, and I am proof that when Kim Walker says in How He Loves that "...You're never the same after you encounter the love of God..." she is totally right. I'm a messed up human being, and God put me in my place, put me out of my comfort zone, and beat me up, but showered me in love and grace and mercy. He radically pursues me every day, and I owe my life to Him.

So as Chris Quilala so eloquently sings it:
"...So let this love be like a fire, let our life be like a flame, fill our souls with Your desire, let our passion bring You fame..."

Wrecking ball...

..I have been referring to this term a lot lately, and it's because I feel like my life is about to wrecked completely by God. And that's a good thing. I think it's already begun, with our struggles with infertility. Actually, I don't even like phrasing it like that. I know what we have been faced with, but deep down I don't believe we are infertile. I just feel like God has got some healing to do in other areas of our lives before the little miracle is to come. God has been revealing to me that His answer to what I've been asking for (a child) is "NO" right now. And I know that because He has completely revealed important things in my life that HAVE to change. The Lord has been pursuing me for a very long time, and I have struggled to get away in fear of what may happen if I am not in control of things in my life. I have been afraid of what He might actually do in my life. But He has woken me up to this and I have been convicted again and again every single day. There is no question about it - Jeremy and I have faced some pretty hard times lately, along with MANY people we are close to. But I'm seeing now that God is not giving up until WE give it up and surrender to Him. I am nervous about whatever is about to come, but I know that God is good. So I am ready. I know it's going to be hard, but it's got to happen!

Tomorrow I will be on the road with two amazing ladies, and we will be on our way to a conference in Atlanta held by Jesus Culture. I have great expectations for this trip! After all, I was reading about the upcoming conference the other day, and this is what I came across:

"JESUS CULTURE CONFERENCES are about raising-up and releasing a generation of revivalists. Our passion is to ignite a youth prayer movement and release healing revivalists into cities and campuses across the nation.

For three days, we will be seeking God, training and equipping, praying on campuses, and ministering in the city. God wants to see cities in America completely saved, and He is raising-up young people who are passionately in love with Him, know how to pray, and walk in the power of God."

After reading that, I sat there in complete shock for what we are about to go through. The two words - Revivalists and Healing - struck me deeply. When we signed up for this conference, (and I feel I can speak for all 3 of us here), I think it started out with more of just a love for Jesus Culture music and a fun trip. I'm not sure we quite grasped what we were getting ourselves into! But now it's clear, I believe. Here we are, 3 women that God literally brought together, all facing similar battles, in desperate need of God's love and mercy in our lives. In desperate need for change and a mess up of any complacency in our Christianity. In desperate need of healing and restoration in our hearts, our minds, relationships, and most of all in our faith in Jesus Christ.

So my prayer for this trip is that God will completely wreck our lives so that we will not return home the same people! I pray we come back changed women of God, ready to share with the world of His faithfulness and redeeming love! Please pray with us!

See you all in 4 days! I'll leave you with my favorite Jesus Culture song now:

Isaiah 54

Today has been a strange day.. Strange but sweet.. This morning I woke up to heavy rain outside, the house was quiet and dark. The hubbs had already left for work, and the dogs were quiet as mice. Strange because not many mornings in our household are like today's was. Most mornings, I'm up when Jeremy is getting ready for work, and the dogs are running wild through the house chasing one another (their early morning jitters). This morning just had a sweet vibe to it, though..and I don't really know how to explain it other than that. Just sweet. I started my coffee and let the dogs out to potty. Then I sat, in the dark with my Bible and read through Ruth because later in the day I was going to a bible study with old church friends where they would be covering that book. It was nice, and I had never actually read through all the chapters together before (there's only 4 for goodness sakes..shows how much I've neglected my Bible). Normally I would stop there, but I felt something pulling me to a passage of scripture that has weighed heavily on my heart lately. I've probably read it 20 times in the past week just because I feel like it should be the anthem over my life right now, and when I read it I feel so uplifted and ready to take on the world. But this morning was different. I wasn't going there because I wanted to. I felt like God was telling me to..like I could hear Him in my ear commanding me to read His words over again. This is the passage from Isaiah 54:1-3 in the Message:

"Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.
Fill the air with song, you who've never experienced childbirth!
You're ending up with far more children than all those childbearing women." God says so!
"Clear lots of ground for your tents!
Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big!
Use plenty of rope, drive the tent pegs deep.
You're going to need lots of elbow room for your growing family."...

Picking back up in verse 7:

Your Redeemer God says:
"I left you, but only for a moment. Now with enormous compassion, I'm bringing you back.
In an outburst of anger I turned my back on you -
but only for a moment.
It's with lasting love that I'm tenderly caring for you.
This exile is just like the days of Noah for me:
I promised then that the waters of Noah would never again flood the earth.
I'm promising now no more anger, no more dressing you down.
For even if the mountains walk away
and the hills fall to pieces,
My love won't walk away from you,
My covenant commitment of peace won't fall apart."
The God who has compassion on you says so.

And this time, as I re-read through that passage, it was like I could physically feel God wrapping his arms around me..And a peace I have never felt before came over me. And I literally sat there for a good 15 minutes just soaking it all in. Every word that I had read (and I read it out loud) touched a place in my heart that I had kept locked up and would not let God penetrate. I mean, what a promise! He was speaking directly to me in that, commanding me to sing! Basically telling me to get ready for what He is about to do in my life! And although He hasn't revealed the "when" or "how" to me, His word says that I will need elbow room for my growing family! And He says that no matter what happens along the way, or who walks away from me, His love will remain ever present! All I could do was sit there...and cry. And it was so sweet.

So then I put myself back together and went to this bible study about Ruth. So I get there, eat a good lunch, catch up with some old church friends and family, and we sort of do an overview of the study. After the study, some ladies asked if they could pray over me and for what Jeremy and I are going through. We all sat in the living room as these women laid their hands on my stomach and spoke life into me. And God made his presence known again. Such a calming, such a peace came over me, and I just knew that He was right there. I've always believed in prayer, but I'm not sure that I've always believed in the real power of prayer. But today I physically experienced God. It was strange, but it was so incredible.

I don't say all that to say that God made me pregnant today, or that suddenly tomorrow I'm gonna wake up pregnant..but I know that it's coming. And just as I was on the brink of giving up hope and always questioning if it will ever happen for us, God made himself very real in my life today. He literally rained down in my life today. I felt Him. I read His words, and I felt His promises deep down.

In need of a good cleansing!!

...A good spiritual, mental, and emotional kind of cleanse, that is! I've just sort of realized lately that I am in a serious funk. It's no good! I hate every part of it. And this is how I realized:

• I've always been one to keep my house clean, but lately I just couldn't care LESS. I've let it get pretty down-right dirty, and it's taking everything in me to type this..because frankly, it's just embarrassing!


• Everything my husband does annoys me =( And the sad part is, he is not doing anything wrong. He tries and tries, and I just shut him out. Poor guy. He is really so wonderful.


• I have cried every day for let's see...ugh, I lost track of the number of days.


• I wake up tired (if that makes any freakin' sense!)


• I wake up sad


• I wake up mad


• My skin has broken out and is making me look like a teenage girl going through puberty. It's gross.


• I'm gonna stop here because these bullets could go on forever, but it is really depressing. You get the point.

I just don't feel like myself. Granted, I know we've been through a lot lately, but I long so much to just be able to cling to the TRUTH that I know. But I've just felt such distance from God. Like He's too far away or something. I know He's not, though. I just need some refreshing, a renewing of the mind and spirit. Like soon.

Some friends and I decided yesterday to really start to work hard on getting our lives together. For me, it's starting with a purging. A purging of all the stress and negativity I carry around all the time. And it's gonna happen in many different areas of my life..including the almighty FACEBOOK. I haven't quite worked up the motivation to delete my entire account, but I have worked up enough to clean out my "friends" list. It felt SO good. What it comes down to is that I need to get back to the basics. I have to start living out my words, rather than just saying them. I am keeping the people who I care about, and who care for me, and aren't just requesting to be my facebook "friend" so that they can keep daily tabs on what I'm doing with my life and look at my pictures to see how much weight I've gained. My life has to have more substance than that. And eventually, I may just delete the entire dang thing. I'll feel on top of the world that day, haha.

Next, I'm gonna really get disciplined with prayer in my life. I mean, I definitely pray, and I know and believe in the power of prayer, but it hasn't been a priority in my daily walk with God, and I've felt such a strong conviction about it lately. That, along with delving into the Word consistently, and I should be good to go =)

Also, in July, I'm taking a trip to Atlanta to attend the Jesus Culture conference. Jerms and I have discussed and decided that this is something I need to attend by myself (meaning without him). It should be good to get away for a few days and really focus on my relationship with Christ. I've kinda lost it in all the hype of this mess we've been in. I've struggled with not knowing what my purpose is in life anymore. I feel like once I get my head screwed back on straight, I'll be a better wife, homemaker, and human being.

As depressing as this post may be, I have to keep it real. It's all about being transparent, right? I need God to move in my life, and He's only going to do that if I allow him to. So today marks the beginning of a transformation in me. I'm excited, and I'm scared, but I'm also ready. So pray for me. The devil's been stealing my joy lately, but I'm taking it all back! I'm climbing out of the pits (<- yes, that's plural), people!

"Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean, scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life. Tune me in to foot-tapping songs, set these once-broken, dry bones to dancing. Don't look too close for blemishes, give me a clean bill of health. God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. Don't throw me out with the trash or fail to breathe holiness in me. Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails! Give me a job teaching rebels your ways so the lost can find their way home. Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God, and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways. Unbutton my lips, dear God; I'll let loose with your praise." Psalm 51:7-15 The Message

Waiting for our miracle..

So it's been a few weeks since I last updated, and not much has happened since. After our not-so-good news we received, we both just needed a while to let things get back to normal (whatever that is). In the beginning it was very strange because we were in so much shock. It's definitely weird to look back over the time we've been trying to have a baby and think that had we just gotten that test done to start with, maybe we could have skipped a lot of the frustration and confusion that we dealt with along the way. However, it was never suggested to us before, and I don't want to waste time going over the "what if's" now. It is what it is, this is the hand that God has dealt us, and we just needed some time to get our hearts and minds back on track to see that no matter what has happened or will happen on our journey though this, God knows what He is doing. Who are we to question that??

Around the end of July, we will repeat the semen analysis to see if the results are the same. There's no known treatment for what they say my husband has, but my doctor recommended that over the next 2 months Jeremy should eat well, sleep well, exercise, etc. And maybe, just maybe, a healthier lifestyle may improve the motility of his sperm. However, along with all of that, I say that over the next 2 months Jeremy should pray, I should pray, our friends & family should pray, etc. And maybe, just maybe, God will answer some prayers that may improve the motility of his sperm. Other than the repeat test, we are unsure of what our next step will be. We definitely have options - IUI, IVF, and adoption - but none of those are attainable financially for us right now. And we both feel like God wants us to wait. So we're praying and waiting to hear what He wants us to do.

It's incredible how something so devastating has brought Jeremy and I closer. I love my husband. There is no other human being on this planet who I would rather go through this with. No other person would I rather wait with. Or hope with. Or pray with. None.

Please pray and believe with us.

A difficult phone call..

Yesterday was a hard day, to say the least. It was a day that confirmed some of our worst fears. It was life changing. I'll start by updating that about a month ago, when I switched doctors, one of her first courses of action was to have a semen analysis done on my husband. It hadn't been done yet, and she was certain that the results of such a test would either rule him in or out of the equation of why I am not getting pregnant. It was a simple test, but so much could be understood from it. There is one fertility clinic here in town that performs such a test, and they were happy to help us. I don't think there's a need to further explain how the test gets started. But basically, we took a semen collection to the clinic one morning, dropped it off, signed some forms, and happily went on our way. They said they would get the results back to my doctor within no later than a week and she would call us if anything were wrong. Well, for nearly a month, no one called us so we took that as good news. Until yesterday when my doctor called me. My heart sank when the phone rang and I saw the number on caller id, and I hadn't even spoken with anyone yet.

My new doctor was on the other end and she had to deliver some very difficult news. She received Jeremy's test results back, and they were very abnormal for a guy of his age. He has a condition called Asthenospermia which affects the motility (or movement) of a male's sperm. Basically, Jeremy's sperm are alive, but they are stagnant. They do not swim. This is typically a inherited condition, and there are very limited treatments for it to improve the motility of his sperm. The treatments that do exist are as simple as hormone therapy, but the success rates are very low. She advised that for the next two months, we try to improve his healthy lifestyle as much as possible by eating healthier and taking a daily multi-vitamin, exercising regularly, sleeping well, etc., then repeat the analysis to see if anything improves. Without being a downer, she said "..chances are this is not going to improve the motility well enough for normal results. With a condition like this, it just kind of is what it is. It's not impossible, it's just very difficult, and I've had couples in my office with the same situation who have been unable to get pregnant on their own after years and years of trying. This condition usually results in IUI or IVF..."

As difficult as that conversation was, the hard part was yet to come. I then had to call my husband and fill him in. So with tears in my eyes and a huge lump in my throat I made the call. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do. He handled it okay, but I could just hear the sadness in his voice. Later when he got home from work, we sat out on our back porch and talked more about it. Facing what we are facing now, we have to make a lot of choices. We have to choose to draw close to each other through this. I can see now how marriages can fail with news like this, and much worse. It's a hard hit to a relationship. We have to choose to draw near to God through this, because He is the only thing that can bring us through. Facing the reality of all of this, it is going to take a miracle for us to become parents. But we both have to believe that God WILL heal our bodies. We have to speak these things out loud, and really rely on God's faithfulness like never before. We have to remember what He has already done and believe in what He is still going to do. He is going to use this situation to turn around and get all the glory! And even though we're confused and hurting, we have to choose to give Him the glory that He so rightfully deserves! We still have to praise Him. We're still going to praise Him.

After receiving the news, I was on the prowl. I rallied up as many people I could who love us and have been praying for us, to pray some more. We know that this is the devil's way of stealing from us. He's trying to attack us in any way possible. But what I know is that we have a covering of prayer over our lives and our bodies, and he will not win! Since we began trying, we agreed that we would keep things on the down low. We just thought it would be best for us to keep things a little private. So there have even been family members who, for almost a year and a half, have not known that we were actively "trying" to get pregnant. But not anymore. We have filled most of them in so that they can be praying too. When times get tough, we have to have people surrounding us who can be strong when we cannot. And we are BLESSED, let me tell ya! The outpouring of love and support is amazing! We have some incredible friends & family!

This is all still sinking in. As of right now, there is no plan of action, no next step. We are faced with options, but we need to pray and hear what God wants us to do before deciding on anything. I will keep updating.

A letter to my unborn child..

Recently a friend gave me a book. It's a devotional book written by a woman who dealt with infertility in her life. This woman never birthed a child, but became a mom through adoption. She has a beautiful story, but what is even more beautiful are the words she expresses in this book as encouragement to woman all over the world who are longing for a child. Since my friend gave it to me, I have not been able to put it down. I read a devotion from this book every day, and sometimes have to stop myself from reading the rest. Just in the past two weeks since I received this book, I have felt more encouraged and uplifted than ever through this process.

Today is Mother's Day. It is bittersweet for me. Sweet because I feel like a mother in my heart. Bitter because I'm lacking physical evidence of my own child. In my most recent devotion from my book, the author suggests writing a letter to your unborn child(ren). It may seem kind of silly, but she says it's just another small way of affirming and believing against what I (or you) am experiencing. It's like saying, "No, I don't have a child YET. But I know it's going to happen, I believe it's going to happen, and until it happens, I am going to move forward in anticipation for that child." I got excited when I read this. It sparked that hope inside of me. So I decided to go through with it. Not to mention, one day when I am staring into the eyes of my little one, I can look back on this letter and read it to him or her and tell of how much Mommy looked forward to their creation. So today on Mother's Day, I am celebrating the mother's love I have inside for my child that will one day be.

Dear child,

I love you so much, and I don't even know you yet. You haven't even been created yet, but I know that God has you specially hand picked for your Daddy and I. Every day I pray for you along with so many people who are longing to meet you. Sometimes I sit and imagine you coming into this world and how many people will be present to celebrate after waiting so long for you. I cannot wait to know of your existence inside of me. I promise to feed you well and take care of you the best I can while you are inside my belly. I promise to talk to you and sing to you everyday. I will cherish your presence in my womb. You already have a wonderful Daddy, and he is just as excited for you as I am. He loves you just like I do. We talk about you all the time. We talk about what your name will be, and we have very special names picked out for you depending on if you are a girl or a boy. We are already working on your room. It is a difficult task for Mommy & Daddy because we want to go ahead and fill it up with pink or blue, but we are having to stay gender neutral for right now until that very special day when we find out what you will be. But we are patiently awaiting, and enjoying the knowing that you already have a room. Every day I wonder what you will look like. I know you are going the be the most beautiful thing my eyes have ever witnessed. I wonder if you will have curly hair like your Daddy or blue eyes like mine. You have so many people here on Earth who love you so much already. You have grandmas who can't wait to meet you and ask me regularly if I am pregnant with you yet. You have grandpas too, and aunts & uncles, and lots and lots of cousins!

We can't wait to take care of you. There are going to be so many memories that we will make together. Mommy and Daddy have so much that we want to show you, and so many places and things we want you to see. I can't wait to feed you and change your diapers, even the ones where you leave us stinky surprises. I can't wait for the long nights when you will cry and just want to be held. I want to hold you and tell you how special you are. I'll probably cry with you. We want to teach you and watch you grow up. We long for you. And even though we'll be your parents, we know that you truly belong to God. We dedicate you to Him already.

We love you, little one. Thank you for being my child. And when God graces my womb with your presence, promise me that you will stay strong to be a healthy little baby. We look forward to life with you.

Love,
Mommy