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Tuesday, August 10, 2010


I've been having a difficult time lately..A difficult time with not knowing what my purpose in life really is. I know I have one, but it's seemed to go in a totally new direction since I've so clearly heard God tell me "NO" to having children right now. Since the original placement of that calling on my life, I've been living my life preparing for just that..a baby. Preparing my life for children. Making decisions and life plans centered around my future kids. It was something that absolutely consumed me. And with each passing day without kids, I was overwhelmed by questions to God of "Why not?", and "When?", and "How?", and pleads of "Please", and "I'm begging You", and so on and so forth. To be quite honest, as much as I still desire to be a mom, pursuing a life filled with children that don't even even exist yet, has been completely exhausting, mentally and emotionally. It has left me feeling empty and confused, and even hurt and abandoned by God. So God awakened me, and told me to lay all of the above at His feet. Surrender every word, emotion, desire, and plan to be a mother at His throne. And He told me He would show me the way. So I did.

I'll admit, it's been loads easier to deal with, think about, etc...but now I'm struggling with where to go now? I desire so much to have more purpose and substance in my life, and I know the Lord does, too. But I'm feeling pulled in a ton of opposite directions, with no clear or obvious way to go. I've been praying non-stop about all of this: God, would you please open up Your door of opportunity for me to serve and be Your hands and feet in this broken world.I'm not praying this so that I can stop being bored. I'm praying this because I'm tired of living for myself.

Since all of this has been stirring, our finances have been tested like never before. Money that somehow used to be there, is somehow mysteriously disappearing, despite Jeremy's and my efforts to work more. Since the conference, I've been watching kids full time, but the extra money has done NOTHING. Jeremy has not lost any income, and our monthly expenses have not increased. We're not big spenders, and have recently cut out "eating out" from our budget almost completely. To some, this would seem like an obvious mis-management of finances, but we seriously cannot figure it out. Despite our efforts to find the answer or come up with a solution, deep down I have this feeling like God is trying to reveal something. I've prayed about whether I'm supposed to get a real job or not in the real work force again..I've prayed about whether Jeremy is being called to a different job, or different path completely...I've prayed about whether I'm even supposed to be in this country or not (I've never felt a calling to go out into the "mission-field" until recently)...I've prayed about whether God is telling us to quit our jobs and go into ministry full time...I've prayed about whether we're being told to move...on and on, and on and on...No matter what, we're not making any moves until we hear straight from God about it. But not having a clear answer, and feeling like I'm in limbo is making me crazy. I try not to worry, and when I start to feel fearful or doubtful, I turn to God. I know He is faithful and He will always provide for us, but not knowing is always uncomfortable for me. My life is taking on a whole new meaning, and I just want to know what that meaning is.

1 comment:

jonmorris said...

Man, I'm with you. Definitely praying for you guys. I hope I can help out a little bit, but I'm so inspired by yours and Jeremy's faith. Keep holding on.