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Monday, July 18, 2011

Unintentional blogging hiatus...

Woah. A whole month has passed me by without a single update here. Why? You ask. Two words:
Home Study

As of today, we are half-way through our home study part of our adoption process. There are a total of four home visits that our adoption specialist is conducting, and we are practically done with two. I will explain the "practically" in the following break-down:

First visit: Mini joint interview, paperwork overview, and safety checklist walk-through

Second visit: (Today) Individual interviews...I had to leave the house this morning while she came and interviewed Jeremy. Two and a half hours later, I came home for my turn, but she had to leave an hour after that. So she'll be returning on Wednesday to finish my interview. "Practically" done.

Third visit: Long joint interview

Fourth visit: Something about "wrapping it up". (I'm forgetting something here, but my adoption folder is not next to me and I don't feel like looking it up.)

After our first visit, we both felt on top of the world. All of the questions were great, and sitting there with my husband really made this whole thing feel completely real. It was all good. Being honest, I cannot say the same about today's visit. It was different. Hard, pressing questions about our pasts, family histories, and such, kind of put a gloomy spin on things. I've said it before, but our specialist is amazing. She is exactly what we need for our process, so it was not by her personal fault that things felt a little downcast as she walked away from my house. Hard to explain, but to sum it up a bit, I guess I am just battling these conflicting feelings about this decision being in the hands of other people.

Filling out self-assessment questions, digging up the past, and feeling like our answers have to somehow convince this person that we would be great parents is a hard thing to face. I keep wondering if a multiple choice-like questionnaire is really enough to say whether we really "qualify" or not to be parents to a sweet baby. I wish they could just SEE my heart. I wish they could replace all the questions with spending a comfortable day with me, in a real-life environment, so that they can SEE how much this means to me. I wish they could see how tender and wonderful my husband is with kids. It scares me a little, deep down, that this decision, or home study "approval" is within their own judgment.

On the other hand, I am grateful for this part of the process because it is such a learning experience. But then I selfishly wish that every parent had to go through this before having children. It seriously might change some things. But then I also understand that they are just doing their job to make sure that the right families are matched together. These babies are the priorities, not the adults. But see what I mean? See the conflict?? Back and forth, back and forth. It's crazy.

We appreciate every bit of encouragement we have received thus far. Beside the grace and love of God, it is seriously carrying us through. I guess it comes down to keeping the right perspective. Knowing me, I could sit here all day long and pick apart and analyze every single one of my answers thinking it's not enough. But all that is is an attack of satan. (I won't even capitalize his name because I don't feel he is worthy enough of such fame. Lowercase it is!) He knows that things are going well, so it's just like him to come in and try to tempt us to discouragement. So yeah. Keeping the right perspective. Focusing on the truth, and shooting the head off of every single lie!

God is bigger. He is more powerful. He is higher. He is faithful. He holds the outcome of this journey right in the palm of His mighty hand. And there is no other place I would rather it be.

Please continue to pray. We appreciate the support and encouragement. We cannot do this without you.

**Side note** Check back soon for a financial update. We still have a long way to go, but we have gotten closer since I last updated.

1 comment:

Chasity said...

Will be praying for you. I can't imagine what it's like to go through this process. It's as if you are interviewing for a job, yet it's the biggest job of all. And there are so many who never have to interview for that job, yet aren't exactly qualified to even take the position. I don't know you but can tell through reading your posts how much this means to you all and just how perfectly suited you are for the job of parenthood. I'm sure the interviewer sees it too:) Wishing you all the best and that the process moves quickly.