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Monday, January 23, 2012

Where we're at...

Today has felt heavy. I've felt God speaking to me through different means. First a song, and its lyrics pierced me, and broke me once again with gratitude. Then a phone call from the agency that delivered good and bad news all in one statement. And most recently a letter...one that we've been waiting to read for 90 days, but it didn't quite deliver the congratulatory words we've been hoping for. Nevertheless, God is good.

It began this morning with a song. The lyrics echoed through my living room, as I rocked my baby to sleep for a nap. This is rare, a moment like what Selah and I shared as she fell asleep in my arms. Usually at times when we're home and she's ready for bed, I lay her down and she drifts off into her own little land of sweet dreams. But I believe God gave me this moment this morning, with the following song filling in the background, to touch my soul with a reminder that He is here. Present. Alive. Working. Just as He was when He gave us Selah. We rocked and listened, then I laid her down in her bed, and I let the thankfulness overtake me, as I cried in awe of such an amazing Savior.

From the first break of light to last days
Every echo of time every evening fade
You've always been there

From a baby's first cry to last breath
Every fight in our minds, every victory dance
You've always been there

Ancient One, so amazing, unfailing You are
Holy One, overwhelming my heart with your love

Yahweh, Yahweh
Faithful God, You're here to stay
Yahweh, Yahweh
Forever, and always the same...

Where the sky meets the sea and breaks free
When compassion and love are met with need
You've always been there

All consuming, everlasting
God Almighty, Lord of Glory

A while later, my phone rang with a reminder from a social worker from our adoption agency. There will be a court hearing tomorrow that will result in termination of parental rights (TPR) for Selah's birth parents. Good news from this hearing is that we could be as soon as 30 days out from finalization. Finally, an end in sight. The bad news, the rip-your-heart-out realization, is that tomorrow will be their (birth parents) end to this process. Done. It weighs so heavily on my heart.

As I let these things settle in, I took a walk to the mailbox. There inside was a letter from an organization regretfully informing us that we have been denied in regards to a grant that we applied for back when our home study was completed/we brought Selah home. It's a long story, but basically, since there were literally only about 10 days in between the approval of our home study and the day we brought home our baby, we were limited on time to fill out applications for financial assistance with our adoption. Believe me when I say that we had "plans". We were banking on having "12-18" months of expected wait time before we thought we would ever be chosen as adoptive parents. We researched and found several grants that we wanted to apply for, but they wouldn't even consider looking at our applications until our home study was completed and approved. But once that time came, much to our surprise, we were quickly chosen, and right after that we had a baby in our home. Although fortunate in the blessing that we were given, it became unfortunate that several of our financial assistance options would no longer assist us since the baby's placement had already occurred. We were still hopeful though, and sent applications out to the few organizations left who said they wouldn't discount our attempts just because we already had Selah. Well, to wrap this paragraph up, they accepted our application, but denied us from any help. No explanation as to why, just a sweet letter of their regrets and apologies.

But we will not give up, and we will not lose hope. We are praying for a miracle. And we trust that God is going to make a way for this balance to be paid before our finalization date.

I've watched God take my life and turn it into what He's always wanted it to be. He has written this story in a way that I never imagined. At times I was disappointed. Left feeling hopeless, drowning in a sea of unanswered questions, and unmet expectations. But what I've come to realize, and what I've witnessed first hand, is that God works best when we allow Him to work. Things happen when we let go of our expectations, and give up our earthly desires to align our lives with Him... For me it meant giving up on a dream and welcoming His plan for my life. And then He blew my mind. No, things didn't line up the way I thought I wanted them to, but now I'm glad they didn't.

I don't know exactly where I wanted this post to go. Maybe it's a jumbled mess. But while I sit here and type in the midst of much uncertainty, I feel the weight of His love on my shoulders. And I realize that I'm the uncertain one...not God.

"God loves to take hopeless situations and gush hope into them and see it explode and make things beautiful" ~Daniel Bashta

1 comment:

Stacey said...

Thanks lovely woman, for sharing. <3