Taking a break...

This post is probably not even necessary due to my lack of writing lately, anyway. But, to just put it out there and make it officially official, you read it right. I don't have any amount of time in mind, for how short or how long, but my heart is telling me as long as it takes.

I feel like we've been wandering and searching aimlessly for answers. Answers to what, exactly? I don't know. We watch the world around us fast forward through celebrations left and right, and we muster up as much as we have in us right now to rejoice. And our world is still pretty silent. And while I don't intend, in the slightest bit, for this to become some sort of pity party, the fact still remains that we hurt.

Our story here is nowhere near over, and for the time being, I just need to step away. I've tried time and time again to sit down and blog...but nothing comes out. I feel like there's meaning behind it - meaning behind the life silence, and the blog silence. And instead of trying to fill the silence sometimes with a random post, I just need to shut down the computer for a while and let God fill the empty places.

So I'll be back...And hopefully with more to add to our little story here.

18,223....

It's just a number, I keep repeating to myself. It's just a number. A very large number. I look at it and I feel

overwhelmed

breathless

cheated

anxious

defeated

Is this really the only thing standing between us and our future child(ren)? I say the only thing, but really there are other things, too. This, though..this number seems the most daunting.

$18,223.00

I'm battling against doubt. I'm battling those thoughts that try to creep in that tell me it's impossible. I'm battling those thoughts that try to convince me that we will have to take out yet another loan. I'm battling those torturous feelings that try to remind me yet again that our bodies don't work; those feelings that attempt to rob us of our excitement of adopting.

And even though
My brain is exhausted from brainstorming to come up with fundraiser ideas..
My heart feels heavy from waiting..
And my spirit feels weak from fighting...

God gently and lovingly reminds me that this number is IN FACT the only thing standing between us and our baby.

And although it might be too big for me, it will never be too big for Him.

Wayyyy overdue...

This should have been posted a long time ago (like I said I was going to), but any words worthy of a post have completely escaped me. I have been at quite a loss as to what to blog about, other than just little details here and there, so every time I sit down to write I end up just getting right back up. Not to mention, I've been pretty busy with church stuff, a recent weight-loss journey (which resulted in a gym membership that I've been working my butt off to keep up with), home study visits, and a pretty horrible stomach bug that knocked me down a couple of weeks ago. Not gonna make any promises that I'll be any better about updating in upcoming weeks, either, because I know I'll probably fail you. BUT, I will try my best.

Nonetheless, our journey continues forward, and we have officially completed our home study. If you've been following along, I'm sure you have concluded that my last update wasn't necessarily a positive one other than the fact that we were nearing the end. Since then, we had our last visits/interviews, and our specialist is currently in the middle of finalizing our home study document of APPROVAL!!! All I can say to that is Thank You, Jesus!! Grateful for the experience, but couldn't be happier that that part is over :-)

So where do we go from here? Grants. Waiting. Building our profile. Waiting. Classes. Training. Connecting with other adoptive families.... All of which we are so excited about.

Now that our home study is complete, we can begin applying for grants to help with some of the cost of the adoption. It's been a while since I posted anything about where we stand financially, so I figured it is about time for that again. If you know me at all, you know that this is not my favorite topic of conversation..but it's a necessary part. When we knew that this was the path we were going to take to have children, we also knew that it would be impossible without reaching out for help from people around us; partly financial help. We have been blessed beyond measure already, and God has been completely faithful to see us through to this point. Thanks to those of you who have donated, we have been able to pay for all of our application fees & our home study in full. The fact of the matter, though, is that it is not over.

Our hope and prayer is that the two grants that we are applying for will come through, potentially covering a lot of the upcoming costs. About a month ago, we signed an updated financial contract. Although it doesn't minimize the total cost of the adoption, it did provide us with a new breakdown of fees, which over time, will help alleviate some of the stress of huge chunks of money being due at once. You can find the old breakdown HERE. The new breakdown is as follows:



1.) Formal application fee (due at application)......................$550.00

2.) Adoptive home study fee (due prior to assessment interview)....$1,000.00

3.) Education Fee (due at domestic infant training in October).......$750.00

4.) Support Services Fee (due at time of home study approval)........$750.00

5.) Birth parent services fee (due at first match).................$5,500.00

6.) Post placement supervision and services, finalization fees,
and post adoption services (due at term. of parental rights)...$6,000.00

7.) Placement/Legal fees (due at child's placement)................$7,000.00


All of that to say, in addition to applying for grants, we are opening it back up to anyone who would like to donate towards our dream. Just like before, there is a box on the right hand side of this page where you can "chip in" to help bring our baby home. I hate asking people for money, and so much inside of me wishes that we just had the money laying around to go ahead and pay it and get it over with. But that's not the case. God has led us down this road with many unanswered questions of how this will be possible financially, but He is also requiring us to just trust that it will. So we move our prideful selves aside, and we open ourselves up to anybody who may want to help. So I ask. I ask you to give if you are moved to do so. No amount is too small. I ask you to pass our story along. I ask you to pray.

I've also been throwing around some talk about fund-raising opportunities outside of the blog, and I just want to assure you that these things, although still under-wraps, are in the making!! So keep checking back as we enter into some cooler weather, and as we get further along into the process, for info on how you can be a part of that as well! It's exciting stuff.

And I say THANKS. Again, and again, and again..thank you. We have both been completely humbled by so much generosity, and we have witnessed the love of Christ through each person who has given. This process, already, has changed us. It has changed our lives. But I also know that whichever child we are chosen to be mommy and daddy to will have the greatest impact. This child that you have so kindly chosen to give a great life, home, and family to is going to change lives. My life. My husband's life. My family's life. And yours, too.

Dark clouds...

Home study visit #2 is officially completed as of two days ago. I know I previously blogged a little bit about it, but with each passing day since we began this part of the process, it has taken on a whole different feeling. I realize that it could be due to many different reasons like a) the fact that it is seeming more and more real, b) it continues to define the "bittersweet" portion of the title of this blog, and c) satan is really trying to have his way with my thoughts and feelings the further we dive into it all... because this "whole different feeling" I speak of is not the warm and fuzzy kind.

Home study visit #2, metaphorically, has just left us with this looming dark cloud overhead. It was a lot of focus on the negative things in our pasts individually, and as a couple, that the agency feels could potentially affect our roles as a mom and dad to an adopted child. Even just rereading that sentence after typing it, gives me the feeling that an outsider could read it too and get the impression that I'm talking about some absolutely horrific circumstances. But the truth is, I'm talking very real, but very common, and truthfully, very normal circumstances that have since become a part of our testimonies and have proved God's power and love of redemption, restoration, and grace. I've mentioned them here on my blog before, so I'm not ashamed of mentioning them again, but I'm talking about my husband's past addiction and struggle with pornography, and my unfortunate experience of being raped as a young teenager. These two things, clearly, are not pretty by any means, or easy to talk about, so you might be able to imagine sitting there with an almost complete stranger, rehashing every little detail as vividly as possible, and trying your hardest to keep from screaming out at them, "I promise you I can still be a great parent!! Please believe me."

From the beginning we both questioned and went back and forth about whether or not we wanted to divulge this information to them, but ultimately decided that transparency was the best way to go. We questioned it only because we both knew that these two things could be cause for concern as far as their own judgment goes. We just knew that being open and honest about it would mean more questioning, more investigating, and knowing that it would take a lot on our part to "convince" them that even though my husband struggled with this type of addiction, that he has overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of his testimony. We knew it would take a lot on our part to "convince" them that even though this terrible thing happened to me, that I am very much mentally stable, and even more so, thanks to an amazing Heavenly Father, that I have forgiven. Regardless of how messed up and ugly, we chose to tell, and to feel empowered by the Holy Spirit to speak boldly and confidently about it all as over-comers.

Even still, I can feel the fight swell up inside as I write about it, because I know the truth and the power and beauty that has come out of ugly pasts and unfortunate circumstances. But the lady sitting across from us doesn't necessarily know that about us. As she sat there poker-faced and typed out our answers, resembling a court reporter, as we poured our hearts out trying to remain confident, this haunting dark cloud drifted over our heads, and satan began scheming. And the ugliest part of it all? He (satan) is so very good at what he does.

For days now, that cloud of shame, guilt, and regret has poured out scattered storms that have left us feeling so defeated and unworthy of the call to be parents. It has clouded our view of the joy that is the sunshine in the otherwise absence of this cloud. And through it, I know satan has rejoiced as he whispers discouragement in our ears: Just give up.

It's H.A.R.D. And as we fight to stand on the truth of the Word of God - and we are fighting for our children, here - satan works his way in to remind us of how good he is at these kinds of attacks.

BUT

God reminds us of how He is even better at what He does. His words cannot come in a more timely manner. As I was doing my Breaking Free by Beth Moore Bible study the other day, a perfect message from God was waiting for me. I have put the words of this message verbatim as it comes from the study book, and as you read it aloud to yourself, put your name in every blank line. As applicable and meaningful as it is to me when I read it, I know that there are others out there who are in need of some serious comfort, and encouragement from the Best. I couldn't NOT share. I read it, and I feel the fight inside come alive again. I realize that mine and my husband's dream to have a family is dependent upon our faith and our willingness to stand against any attacks, and not determined by what we have done or what's been done to us in the past. Because the truth is, no matter how big and bad this looming cloud has seemed, God has already gone before us in this battle. He knows what is waiting on the other side of this. He has hand-picked every specialist who crosses our path, and regardless of what our pasts hold and what insecurities we felt during our interviews, He is holding the outcome and decision safely within His grasp. It's not easy at all, but we have to trust that the One who has called us down this road to adopt will not forsake us. We are sheltered from this haunting cloud in the arms of a Loving, Faithful, and very Trustworthy Lord. He's got this.


My child,________, I loved you before you were born. I knit you in your mother's womb and knew what your first and last words would be. I knew every difficulty you,________, would face. I suffered each one with you. Even the ones you didn't suffer with Me. I had a plan for your life before you were born. The plan has not changed,________, no matter what has happened or what you have done. You see, I already knew all things concerning you before I formed you. I would never allow any hurt to come into your life that I could not use for eternity,________. Will you let Me? Your truth is incomplete unless you view it against the backdrop of My truth. Your story,________, will forever remain incomplete...until you let Me do what only I can do with your hurt. Let Me perfect that which concerns you.

I remain,
Your Faithful Father


Isaiah 61:1-4
The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace—
a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies—
and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.
Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness"
planted by God to display his glory.
They'll rebuild the old ruins,
raise a new city out of the wreckage.
They'll start over on the ruined cities,
take the rubble left behind and make it new.

Unintentional blogging hiatus...

Woah. A whole month has passed me by without a single update here. Why? You ask. Two words:
Home Study

As of today, we are half-way through our home study part of our adoption process. There are a total of four home visits that our adoption specialist is conducting, and we are practically done with two. I will explain the "practically" in the following break-down:

First visit: Mini joint interview, paperwork overview, and safety checklist walk-through
Second visit: (Today) Individual interviews...I had to leave the house this morning while she came and interviewed Jeremy. Two and a half hours later, I came home for my turn, but she had to leave an hour after that. So she'll be returning on Wednesday to finish my interview. "Practically" done.

Third visit: Long joint interview

Fourth visit: Something about "wrapping it up". (I'm forgetting something here, but my adoption folder is not next to me and I don't feel like looking it up.)

After our first visit, we both felt on top of the world. All of the questions were great, and sitting there with my husband really made this whole thing feel completely real. It was all good. Being honest, I cannot say the same about today's visit. It was different. Hard, pressing questions about our pasts, family histories, and such, kind of put a gloomy spin on things. I've said it before, but our specialist is amazing. She is exactly what we need for our process, so it was not by her personal fault that things felt a little downcast as she walked away from my house. Hard to explain, but to sum it up a bit, I guess I am just battling these conflicting feelings about this decision being in the hands of other people.

Filling out self-assessment questions, digging up the past, and feeling like our answers have to somehow convince this person that we would be great parents is a hard thing to face. I keep wondering if a multiple choice-like questionnaire is really enough to say whether we really "qualify" or not to be parents to a sweet baby. I wish they could just SEE my heart. I wish they could replace all the questions with spending a comfortable day with me, in a real-life environment, so that they can SEE how much this means to me. I wish they could see how tender and wonderful my husband is with kids. It scares me a little, deep down, that this decision, or home study "approval" is within their own judgment.

On the other hand, I am grateful for this part of the process because it is such a learning experience. But then I selfishly wish that every parent had to go through this before having children. It seriously might change some things. But then I also understand that they are just doing their job to make sure that the right families are matched together. These babies are the priorities, not the adults. But see what I mean? See the conflict?? Back and forth, back and forth. It's crazy.

We appreciate every bit of encouragement we have received thus far. Beside the grace and love of God, it is seriously carrying us through. I guess it comes down to keeping the right perspective. Knowing me, I could sit here all day long and pick apart and analyze every single one of my answers thinking it's not enough. But all that is is an attack of satan. (I won't even capitalize his name because I don't feel he is worthy enough of such fame. Lowercase it is!) He knows that things are going well, so it's just like him to come in and try to tempt us to discouragement. So yeah. Keeping the right perspective. Focusing on the truth, and shooting the head off of every single lie!

God is bigger. He is more powerful. He is higher. He is faithful. He holds the outcome of this journey right in the palm of His mighty hand. And there is no other place I would rather it be.

Please continue to pray. We appreciate the support and encouragement. We cannot do this without you.

**Side note** Check back soon for a financial update. We still have a long way to go, but we have gotten closer since I last updated.

Sweet, sweet man...

He doesn't know it yet, but he is a father.  He exudes it in the way he lives and loves.  It is written all over him, and that excites me for our children more than I can say.  I know he will be the best for them. 

He is a gentle spirit, caring and sensitive with love.  He takes his role as husband and soon to be father very serious, as he strives, and succeeds to honor the covenant he has made with me and our God.  He is the epitome of a man and the definition of a servant.  

He is faithful to his commitments, always providing, always comforting.  Not afraid to dirty his hands as he leads and takes care.  Passionate in faith, his eyes are focused on the One above us, and his heart is strong and steadfast in seeking, listening, and learning to live and lead a godly life and home.  

A sweet, sweet man is what I typically mutter to describe him, and what a truth it is.  This man, my husband, and the father of our someday children, is the love of my life.  What an honor it is.

It's the little things (cont...)

Here we go again...take #2 of the little joys that are being revealed to me every day. They're those little tid-bits that bring a smile to your face, touch your heart, or even make you wanna dance like a kid, as they shed light in rather dark seasons of life, helping to change your perspective and live a life in a constant state of thankfulness. **No matter how trivial or important, "the little things" are things meaningful to you.**



It's the little things like...quiet time. It's good for the mind, body, and soul. Take some for yourself.

It's also things like sunshine & suntan lines - which could be surprising to some who know anything about me, especially because this is coming from a non-outdoorsy kind of girl. A negative self image trapped me indoors for many many years, causing the sunshine to become my enemy, burning my flesh with the tiniest of UV ray exposure. With lots of encouragement & love & grace from my husband, friends, and family, my love for sunshine began to return to my life (in more ways than one), and some brown pigment is returning to my skin. Finally.

Which leads me to this:

It's little things like learning to embrace and love the person you are today. For way too long, I let trivial things like weight gain & stretch marks define me, and hold me back from really living. I was consumed. I was miserable, and often times made others around me miserable because of my insecurities, as much as I hate to admit. When I say these things are trivial, I mean that they are trivial. They do not define who we are, and although some days it is still a struggle, I have to decide to fight insecurity, and own the FACT that I am worth more than a couple extra pounds. I totally believe in a healthy lifestyle and staying active...but I no longer believe in striving to portray a certain image or reach a particular standard. My new life mantra includes a cute swimsuit and lots of pool time, while the old sweat suits and layers take a much needed break at the top of my closet. Extra pounds or no extra pounds, I am still a daughter of the King - treasured, sacred, and His...yet curvy, and owning it!

Looking through old pictures.

It's the little things like family weddings,

...and learning.

It's helping someone,

...it's someone helping you.

It's allowing yourself to dream.

Things like meeting sweet neighborhood kids, and finding the good in the not-so-sweet ones...even if the only good you can come up with is how fast they can run.

It's the little things like being genuine,

Being kind...

And practicing grace & mercy...

And having someone do the same to you.

It's learning to be slow to speak, and quick to listen.

It's the little things like a sweet little old mail lady, whose presence is amazingly infectious.

It's growing...

It's resting...

It's changing...
and being changed by all the little meaningful things.