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Friday, March 26, 2010

With a full heart..

Today I am just overwhelmed..but in such a good way. My heart feels full right now. All week I have had the privilege of watching the son of a wonderful friend while she worked. I cannot begin to explain how sweet this child is. The time has gone by so fast, and sadly today is Friday, which means this little one goes back to his normal babysitter on Monday :( I have had more fun with this kid than can be explained..and to be honest, I feel a slight ache inside at the sound of silence in my house now.

This little boy is named Isaak, a.k.a. "Bubby" (Yes, Isaak, with a K - because his mommy and daddy are cool like that). He is awesome in every sense of the word. He has two of the best parents I know, and his mommy is one of the greatest friends and supporters I have ever had present in my life. They are such a beautiful family, with God at the center of it all, and it is such a blessing to be a small part of their lives.

Some of our (me and Bubby) activities this week included: making crazy animal sounds, pointing to anything and everything, rolling around on the carpet, watching Playhouse Disney (our favorite show being Handy Manny), taking naps, eating, playing with shoes, taking walks down the street, eating snacks, reading books, playing the "I'm-Gonna-Get-You" Game, practicing where our eyes&ears&hands&feet&hair&tummy&nose&mouth&elbows&everything else are (with our new discovery being the belly button), more eating, giving hugs and kisses, and so much more. I enjoyed every single minute of it, and although he probably won't let you know, I think he enjoyed it too :)

Of course while I was taking care of him I imagined what it would be like with my own little one. And sometimes those thoughts would make me sad. That kind of daydreaming inevitably leads back to questioning if I will ever get to be a mom. Then I sulk for a little bit. Then I feel guilty for questioning God. So then I shake it off and remind myself of God's goodness and that I have to keep trusting that He can do what seems impossible to me. Then I go about the rest of my day, all the while shoving things to the back of my mind. But you see - the same things happen all over again the next day. It's a vicious cycle.

However, God revealed something to me this week. He revealed the something that is making me feel so joyful and grateful and on the verge of tears today: Although I'm not a mommy to a little one yet, God has hand picked some very wonderful families and placed them in our (me & hubby) lives, allowing us to share in the lives of their children. It is such a beautiful thing. These friends, like Bubby's mommy & daddy, welcome us into their homes & lives and allow us to get to know their kids, many of whom we have created some pretty tight bonds with. We get to watch them grow and develop, go to birthday parties, and witness a lot of "firsts". It has seriously dawned on me of how special that is. These parents have given us such a gift, of which we are forever grateful!

At this time in our lives, trying to have a baby, we have experienced more sadness and heartache than ever before. And in the midst of all that sadness, one can lose sight of the many blessings that also come along with infertility. These blessings come in the form of Isaaks, Benjamins, Jocelyns, Paisleys, my nieces and nephews, and so many more. God has used these little blessings to take away the pain and sadness and replace it with messy fingerprints, toothless grins, belly laughs, and dimpled booties. And although they're not "mine" these children and their parents have helped to mend a very broken piece of my heart.

So yes, today my heart is full..full of love for little Bubby & so many others. So to all these parents - and you know who you are - Thank you. Thank you for letting us go there with you. Thank you for being there for us and with us. We know we are not alone.


Tara said...

Jess I love you!! Hold your head up we are just as blessed to have you in our lives!!! You will be a mommy one day... I don't dare speculate about when that will be, but I just trust and believe right along with you that it will be in God's perfect timing. And when that perfect timing FINALLY comes along, these heartaches and tears will be a faint, distant memory! Trust me :) Thanks for being you!!!

Joy Unspeakable said...

I have no words, except that your post was beautifully written.

What a beautiful picture, and what a good revelation, and I pray that this revelation is merely a bridge that carries you and Jeremy into the blessings that God has for YOUR life, and of course by that I mean a baby Moore that you don't have give back.

Praying. all the time, praying.