Still..

Tuesday is probably my least favorite day of the week. It has been for a while now. Tuesdays, for me, usually consist of a very quiet day while Jeremy is at work, followed by a very quiet night alone at home while he plays volleyball and I sit watching American Idol..alone. I haven't looked forward to a Tuesday for a long time, and knowing that another is coming up continually bums me out. Trying to have a baby & being a stay-at-home wife causes a LOT of thinking time. Most of the time I feel overwhelmed just by my thoughts of this very confusing process we are going through. One would think that with as much time as I have to ponder, pray, and sort things out, I would have my stuff together..but I always feel so confused.

Today being Tuesday is no different than what you've read above. Today I am completely anxious and nervous..because I am awaiting some serious answers from my doctor..My new doctor, who I am thrilled with! I recently made the switch after a brutal year of getting the run-around and no fluid answers or explanations. It has been the best decision. The new doctor is amazing in every way: thorough, intelligent, compassionate, and Godly - and not afraid to say it! I love her. Last week she had some blood work ordered for me, to check a very wide range of possibilities. I am still waiting to hear the results. Since the waiting began I've been very anxious.

Recently I've felt very conflicted about my choices through this journey. I have questioned God, doubted God, and have even felt anger towards God. The questions of why He would make me go through this have consumed me..to the point where I've grown a bit bitter. And truth is, I know I'm wrong for all of the above. Letting go and giving God control of this situation is so hard. I know that is what God wants of me, His word says it over and over again. But then I feel at odds when I think that I may miss out on something if I let things go. Silly right? I know!

But then He reveals Himself, over and over and over again. To the point now where I KNOW I have to give it up. I have to give Him the control and take this where He wants to go with it. I know what I want, but what does God want? I have talked with countless people with similar situations, who have told me, "I finally just gave it up..and the next thing I knew I was pregnant.." Stories like that always amaze me, but then I walk away thinking Yeah, Yeah, but I am different..Or at our small group meeting, when I'm bawling as people surround me and lay hands on me and pray for me..but then I take the reigns back once again...Or when in my quiet time with God, He slaps me in the face and leads me to Psalm 77...Or when He speaks through my church pastor about where my hope really comes from...Or when some random girl I am sitting next to at LabCorp, waiting to have my blood drawn, who is sporting a nifty little tattoo on her arm that says "Be Still"...Or when He randomly puts this song in my head:



I'm thinking the signs are pretty clear. I cannot do this on my own. I have to move aside and let God work this out. Does that mean I stop going to the doctor? No. Does that mean we stop trying? No. We're going to continue on. But there has come a time where I know God is trying to speak to me, and I won't hear any of it. I am ready to be able to walk through this confidently and fully trusting His abilities. He made the Heavens and the Earth..am I really so stubborn as to think that He can't make this happen for us? He is God, I am not. And I have to let Him be God.

Psalm 46:10..I have to be still and know.