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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My heart and flesh may fail...

Sometimes I feel like I just have to accept being infertile for the rest of my life. It's like the more days, weeks, months, or years that go by without a positive result, the further away my belief in the possibility of having a baby becomes. I hate that. I hate that I battle so much with this unbelief. I've seen miracles with my own eyes, and I've heard SO many stories about the unthinkable becoming a reality in the lives of so many people. I believe God can heal in such supernatural ways, but for whatever reason I haven't believed it for myself. It's like I've made God in my life a God who is only there for others. Not for me. He's been a good story to tell, however, the story never includes what He has done in my life. Or I treat Him like a cute accessory that doesn't go with anything I have to wear, but goes with everything on someone else. I've dumbed down the things He's done for me as if they're too small to matter. I've chosen not to tell others about His majesty and redemption in my life because I'm afraid it's not going to be convincing enough to turn someone towards Him. And all I can come up with for all of that is...What the heck am I thinking?? How dare I do that to such a glorious and worthy being??

I cannot begin to describe the pain of the conviction I felt envelop me when God punched me in the face with this. The realization of the injustice I've done against my Creator was crushing. It broke my heart. It still saddens me to the point of tears as I sit here and write about it.

I don't know at what point or time in my life when I thought it was better not to share with people about the God I serve. When did I convince myself that the only parts of MY story that might mean something to someone are those parts that involve prosperity? Somehow I've accepted the lie that God hasn't been really working through my infertility diagnosis - the pain, anger, sadness, bitterness, and all else that comes with it. Somehow I've let myself believe that this road that I am walking will only be effective when I am holding my baby in my arms. I've let myself believe that God cannot use the ache for a child inside of me to witness to someone. And somehow I let myself forget all the other things I've overcome in my life ONLY because of Christ:

-the pain and chaos of finding out my dad, who had been my knight in shining armor my whole life, was terribly addicted to drugs...
-the extremely bitter divorce of my parents which was a direct result of my dad's addiction, when I was just entering middle school...
-being raped by a stranger just before my freshman year of high school, and accepting the advice by those closest to me that it was best not to talk about it...
-seeing my mom off to a rehabilitation center due to an ugly battle with alcoholism...
-continuing to watch my dad's life spiral out of control...
-finding out 6 months after getting married that my said husband had been lying to me about a horrible porn addiction...
-watching nearly every relationship within my family dissolve away because of stubborn choices to just continue to sweep years of pain and suffering under the rug...

And those are just bullet points. Through all of that I've never really let it sink in of how much God has redeemed my life. When I realize the weight of His impact in my life, I am almost left speechless. The love, mercy, grace, compassion, and blessing He has bestowed upon me is incredible.

-He's bringing my Dad out of that pit of addiction and slowly but surely turning his life around. And He's given me eyes to look upon my Dad with compassion and understanding, and our relationship has been strengthened.
-God has worked within my parents, teaching them to forgive one another. And although they're no longer together, they love each other from afar, respect one another as parents, and lend a helping hand to each other if needed.
-Through the rape, God has healed my heart, and I've learned to forgive. Through the pain and darkness of that tragedy, God gave me a heart for abused women and I've been blessed with opportunities to share my story with many. That was also the time in my life when God gifted me with my voice and a heart for worship.
-He healed my mom and brought her out of an alcohol addiction, and broke down the walls in her life that prevented her from letting anyone in. I've watched her grow and flourish in her relationship with Christ over the years, and she's able to talk about that time in her life now with a victorious tone, rather than defeat.
-The Lord restored my marriage even though I thought I couldn't continue. He healed my husband and is molding him into a man of God. God gave me the strength I needed to not give up on my husband. Everything in me wanted to quit, in fear of another man letting me down. However, the pain and despair was worth it all as I look upon a beautiful husband and marriage.

I say all that to say: God has brought me through it all. And He was glorified when I chose to still say: God is good. God is enough. God will take care of me. My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. I don't have to accept infertility as the outcome of my life as a mother. I don't have to believe the lies that tell me I'll never have a child. The lies that say it's impossible. I have to choose to glorify God through the pain of loss. Because the God I serve has already spoken over my destiny. The God I serve brought me out of darkness before, and He is doing it again. The God I serve has placed a word in my mouth that He is holding me accountable to share with the world. And that word is that the circumstances may want to hold me back, but The Lord is still good. His promises remain.



"Whom have I in Heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25&26


2 comments:

Briana said...

I love you.

Stacey Alexander said...

I landed upon your blog today out of the blue, and even though I already followed you, God really led me through your past blogs. I don't know WHY, but every one I read brings me to tears. I'm speechless and astounded, (really bland words, btw, for the truth) at how truly amazing and redeeming our God is! And then I think about the blessing you've just recently received in Selah, and I realize that He moves mountains every single day, and am overwhelmed by His glory. I don't know why I said any of that either, but God's doing something, as always! :)