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Saturday, May 14, 2011

Heart cries...

Lately I've just been tired...tired of a lot of things. For starters though, I pray that you can hear my heart through this post, and try to understand that although some things may sound harsh, I am just being honest. And if we can't be honest, then what's the point? Life isn't always "my cup is always half full, unicorns and rainbows, sweet as pie, perfect & happy...". At least here it's not. And if you not prepared to read into a life that's very messy, lately painful, and never perfect, then maybe you should stop here. Now, enough with the prefacing.

I try my hardest and pray constantly for God to help me to keep the right perspective. But lets face it: some days most days are extremely painful, and leave me feeling like I'm just putting on a show by pretending like my heart isn't breaking, for the sake of not coming across as doubting God, or lacking in faith. And truth is, unfortunately, when I get honest with myself and with others about the reality of the hurt I'm struggling with on any given day, someone decides that I am doubting God and lacking in faith, and that I am in need of a pep talk. Like I just need a bear hug and a one line picker upper. But let me let you in on something...

I accept this journey God has me and my husband on.
I fully acknowledge His power and capabilities to change our circumstances.
I 100% believe that someday He will.
I also believe that there is a bigger picture here for us, and I believe it goes beyond just achieving a pregnancy, or adopting an infant.
I know that God is stirring and moving and doing things beyond anything we can ever comprehend.
I accept the good days, and I'll get through the bad days, because I know it's all for God's glory that we go through this.
And although it's never fun, I thank God that He has chosen us to go through what we are going through, rather than you or someone else.

I would do it all over again if it meant that another couple didn't have to lay their heads down at night wondering if they will ever get to witness what God could create from equal parts of each other.

Wondering if they will ever get to see their spouse transform from just a regular person into a mother or father in a split second.

Wondering if they will ever be able to look at their child and say, "you look just like your mommy", or "just like your daddy".

Wondering if they will ever get to feel those kicks and flips and hiccups from within.

I would absolutely do it all over again if it meant that another husband didn't have to witness his wife break down as the world around her shouts for joy over positive pregnancy tests, growing belly pictures, birth announcements, and pregnancy symptoms.

I would do it all over again if it meant that she could, too.

I would do it again if it meant another husband didn't have to feel like he has been robbed of his manhood, or the opportunity to be the father he never really had. I would do it again if it meant he could stand in awe of a part of his life growing inside his wife's belly, or see that little flickering heartbeat for the first time. His child's heartbeat.

I would abosolutely do it for that.

I know in light of the adoption, one might think that we've moved on from this kind of pain. Like magically these feelings just disappear because we've moved on to a different "solution". But adoption is not a solution to this journey we're on. Part of the journey, yes. But a solution, no. We have to keep it separate, otherwise we will have placed an expectation on our adoptive child to live up to something that he or she will never be able to. We will love our child wholly and completely as if we conceived them ourselves, but in my heart, I will always long for the things above. Who wouldn't?

That said, the pain we are going through is still very real and very fresh for us, and all around us, the world moves on. We are still healing and dealing, and I am tired of feeling like we have to be strong and put on a face for people just so that we don't come across as selfish or ungrateful for the blessings we do have, and partly in effort to avoid all different kinds of advice and sweeping statements. People mean well, we know that full well. However, what others, and myself included, deem as encouragement isn't always encouraging. The world is always offering a solution or suggestion as to how to grieve, or we put a time stamp on how long is too long, making trials and healing from them seem insignificant compared to the latest news. Healing takes time. Sometimes a lifetime. And no one wants to feel alone in their pain. Thanks to God, because of what I've gone through, I long to be available to people in their pain and heartache...however they need me to be. No matter how messy, no matter how gut-wrenching, no matter how confusing, or stressful, or how long it takes.

There have been so many times throughout this experience, and I'm sure many more will come, when I have needed to hear the following: It is okay to be broken. It's okay to take a step back, or need some space to allow for healing. It's okay to not want to go to a baby shower, or other event. Its even okay not to go because your heart literally feels like it weighs too much, and the lump in your throat feels too big. Heal how you need to, not how it's convenient for others. Surround yourself with whoever you need to...with people who will pray over you, even out loud..people who will ugly cry with you, and who will physically hold you. Do not allow for others to make you feel guilty about doing whatever is necessary to heal. Even if it means walking away from some things. It's okay to worship through pain. We don't have to have it all together before The Lord. His heart breaks for us. We can go through what we are going through, no matter what it looks like, and still lift our hands to him. Crying out to Him, regardless of, or because of our circumstances, is okay. As long as it's Him we are crying out to, right?

The cry of my heart right now is for healing...Healing over our bodies, but more importantly, healing from the hurt and pain. The cry of my heart is that people have grace with us as we do whatever is necessary to protect our hearts from growing bitter. The cry of my heart is that people will have compassion, and not just for us, but for people to the right, and to the left. Neighbors, strangers, whomever. I pray that compassion, the kind that brings you to your knees because you hurt so badly for someone, I pray that it completely overtakes us. There are people all around us who are breaking inside, hoping that someone will come alongside of them and stand and fight with them, just because they can't stand not to.


Fearfully. Wonderfully. said...

"I would absolutely do it all over again if it meant that another husband didn't have to witness his wife break down as the world around her shouts for joy"

powerful. real. what this world needs more of.

L said...

My Dear Niece Jessica,
Your powerful expressions of the pain of the grief of "broken-ness" moved me so much. Thank you for putting words to feelings I have been unable to voice for so very long. Such powerful words, "Heal how you need to." Only God can know our hearts. Sometimes,it literally is all we can do to just breathe through the days and nights. I just couldn't let another day go by without letting you know that I do stand with you and Jeremy, and that you are in my heart and on my mind daily.
Lovingly, Aunt Laurie