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Saturday, May 7, 2011

A mother's heart...

Mothers Day 2009: I remember at this time, I was sitting in church, and I let myself cry for the first time since we made the decision to begin trying for a baby three months prior.  I remember feeling very vulnerable, confused, and isolated as so many woman stood to their feet as the congregation honored their presence and beauty of motherhood.  Yet, I was hopeful, and even let myself go to that place to fervently believe that by the same time next year, I too, would be standing.

Mothers Day 2010: I was in Jacksonville, FL, visiting with my sister and family.  Days before, I could feel the sadness beginning to surface again as I reminded myself that there was still no baby a year later.  The trip, however, was a nice distraction to the loss I was still grieving.  I pushed it back down as I stood in my sisters kitchen, making breakfast for the family.  Text messages from friends began to come through, pouring words of encouragement and prayers for a miracle baby through the screen of my phone and into my heart. Once again, I let myself go to that place of letting it all out, as I stepped out of the room and escaped for a while to cry.  The pain left me unable to describe my emotions as my husband tried to comfort me.  I fixed my makeup, gathered myself, and reclaimed my position at the stove, letting hope rise once again as I stirred gravy.  "Next year," I told myself, "Next year."

Mothers Day 2011:  Still no baby, and the pain is still present...fresh and raw as ever.  Being honest, it's not just the DAY thats been difficult, but rather every day for the past couple of months leading up to it.  I don't even know how to describe it.  It's just hard.  My heart feels heavy, and I constantly have a lump in my throat.  The thought of sitting in another service while tons of mothers stand while we clap and cheer and honor them as they should be honored, it almost motivates me to keep my sweat pants on and have church at home. New pregnancies are being celebrated, husbands are extra sweet, and beautiful little ones are adorning their mommas with handmade cards, flowers, and tons of love...just as it should be.  At the same time, hearts are breaking, and the pain of longing and waiting becomes a little bit harder to choke back for so many of us.  I've tried to tell myself that it's getting easier.  But it's not.  In fact, although there are good days and bad days, it gets harder.  

But...(yes, there's a but)

I'm still hopeful.  Although my arms are still empty, my heart is not.  Thank God for His grace and mercy, because only He knows how much of it I need to get through this.  I'm thankful for His love and His word, both of which literally carry me through and give me hope for the next day.  I am thankful for the desire He has placed in me to be a mother, and for His faithfulness to see it come to fruition in His timing.  I am thankful for the people He has specifically placed in my life to walk through this with me, who truly understand this kind of pain, who pray for me, and whose faith rises up when mine is lacking. These things make the pain seem worth it.  These things give me the strength I need to face every situation that is a fresh reminder of the hurt, loss, heartbreak, and wait.

If you are a mom reading this, Happy Mothers Day from the most sincere part of my heart.  You deserve to be honored every day for the sacrificial love you have for your children and family.  You are beautiful, and you are blessed.

If you find yourself hurting on this day, I pray peace, comfort, and healing for your spirit.  Although sometimes it can sound cliche, I find comfort in knowing that I do not face these trials alone.  You are not alone in your pain, your heartache, your longing, or suffering.  We serve a God who loves the heart of a mother, whether physical evidence of motherhood is present yet or not.  So, Happy Mothers Day to you.


Jeremy said...

You are a true inspiration, my love. Although it saddens me to say that you are still not at the place where you have imagined yourself to be by now, your hope and perspective makes me proud to be your husband.

But listen here... I want you and the world to know that just because God has not yet blessed us with a child of our own or an adoptive child, you are preparing your heart, mind, soul, home, and life for that child to come. You are a mother in my eyes. And you always will be.

So I say to you HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! I love you.

Emily said...

I just found your blog. What a beautiful post. I am in the midst of miscarrying and did in fact stay home from church because I knew I would be a puddle. You are an inspiration to me and many others I'm sure. I've been thinking of the song by Selah a lot lately, "Unredeemed." It's a beautiful song and the end of the chorus says "when anything that is shattered is laid before the Lord just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed." I hope that encourages you today. I'll pray that your arms will be filled soon.

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry, Emily, for what you are going through right now. I do not know that kind of pain, but I pray that our God will comfort you and surround you with people who love you, and who will hold you up through prayer, and who will fight with you as you battle what you are facing. Thank you for your sweet words, and the song you have just written about has been with me from the beginning. How fitting :-) Those words have lifted my head many times throughout this journey, and I pray that they speak to you right now through your pain.