Stupid Hormones.

I don't know what the heck is wrong with me today. I'm a wreck. Extremely emotional about everything. I haven't felt these kinds of emotions in a long time - not to this degree, anyway. I'm thinking it may have something to do with the 200 mg of Prometrium I am ingesting every night for the past 6..or maybe it's PMS..who knows?!?! But seriously, it's bad. Everything has made me cry today, good or bad. I think I realized it was out of control while I was thinking earlier about the daunting task of needing to file papers in our computer room and it brought me to tears. Then I realized I had cried or gotten upset over several other little things throughout the morning. So here I am acknowledging it. Please say a prayer that this doesn't last too much longer. We have a cruise coming up next week and I don't want to be like this on our trip! Yikes.

Still..

Tuesday is probably my least favorite day of the week. It has been for a while now. Tuesdays, for me, usually consist of a very quiet day while Jeremy is at work, followed by a very quiet night alone at home while he plays volleyball and I sit watching American Idol..alone. I haven't looked forward to a Tuesday for a long time, and knowing that another is coming up continually bums me out. Trying to have a baby & being a stay-at-home wife causes a LOT of thinking time. Most of the time I feel overwhelmed just by my thoughts of this very confusing process we are going through. One would think that with as much time as I have to ponder, pray, and sort things out, I would have my stuff together..but I always feel so confused.

Today being Tuesday is no different than what you've read above. Today I am completely anxious and nervous..because I am awaiting some serious answers from my doctor..My new doctor, who I am thrilled with! I recently made the switch after a brutal year of getting the run-around and no fluid answers or explanations. It has been the best decision. The new doctor is amazing in every way: thorough, intelligent, compassionate, and Godly - and not afraid to say it! I love her. Last week she had some blood work ordered for me, to check a very wide range of possibilities. I am still waiting to hear the results. Since the waiting began I've been very anxious.

Recently I've felt very conflicted about my choices through this journey. I have questioned God, doubted God, and have even felt anger towards God. The questions of why He would make me go through this have consumed me..to the point where I've grown a bit bitter. And truth is, I know I'm wrong for all of the above. Letting go and giving God control of this situation is so hard. I know that is what God wants of me, His word says it over and over again. But then I feel at odds when I think that I may miss out on something if I let things go. Silly right? I know!

But then He reveals Himself, over and over and over again. To the point now where I KNOW I have to give it up. I have to give Him the control and take this where He wants to go with it. I know what I want, but what does God want? I have talked with countless people with similar situations, who have told me, "I finally just gave it up..and the next thing I knew I was pregnant.." Stories like that always amaze me, but then I walk away thinking Yeah, Yeah, but I am different..Or at our small group meeting, when I'm bawling as people surround me and lay hands on me and pray for me..but then I take the reigns back once again...Or when in my quiet time with God, He slaps me in the face and leads me to Psalm 77...Or when He speaks through my church pastor about where my hope really comes from...Or when some random girl I am sitting next to at LabCorp, waiting to have my blood drawn, who is sporting a nifty little tattoo on her arm that says "Be Still"...Or when He randomly puts this song in my head:



I'm thinking the signs are pretty clear. I cannot do this on my own. I have to move aside and let God work this out. Does that mean I stop going to the doctor? No. Does that mean we stop trying? No. We're going to continue on. But there has come a time where I know God is trying to speak to me, and I won't hear any of it. I am ready to be able to walk through this confidently and fully trusting His abilities. He made the Heavens and the Earth..am I really so stubborn as to think that He can't make this happen for us? He is God, I am not. And I have to let Him be God.

Psalm 46:10..I have to be still and know.

With a full heart..

Today I am just overwhelmed..but in such a good way. My heart feels full right now. All week I have had the privilege of watching the son of a wonderful friend while she worked. I cannot begin to explain how sweet this child is. The time has gone by so fast, and sadly today is Friday, which means this little one goes back to his normal babysitter on Monday :( I have had more fun with this kid than can be explained..and to be honest, I feel a slight ache inside at the sound of silence in my house now.

This little boy is named Isaak, a.k.a. "Bubby" (Yes, Isaak, with a K - because his mommy and daddy are cool like that). He is awesome in every sense of the word. He has two of the best parents I know, and his mommy is one of the greatest friends and supporters I have ever had present in my life. They are such a beautiful family, with God at the center of it all, and it is such a blessing to be a small part of their lives.

Some of our (me and Bubby) activities this week included: making crazy animal sounds, pointing to anything and everything, rolling around on the carpet, watching Playhouse Disney (our favorite show being Handy Manny), taking naps, eating, playing with shoes, taking walks down the street, eating snacks, reading books, playing the "I'm-Gonna-Get-You" Game, practicing where our eyes&ears&hands&feet&hair&tummy&nose&mouth&elbows&everything else are (with our new discovery being the belly button), more eating, giving hugs and kisses, and so much more. I enjoyed every single minute of it, and although he probably won't let you know, I think he enjoyed it too :)

Of course while I was taking care of him I imagined what it would be like with my own little one. And sometimes those thoughts would make me sad. That kind of daydreaming inevitably leads back to questioning if I will ever get to be a mom. Then I sulk for a little bit. Then I feel guilty for questioning God. So then I shake it off and remind myself of God's goodness and that I have to keep trusting that He can do what seems impossible to me. Then I go about the rest of my day, all the while shoving things to the back of my mind. But you see - the same things happen all over again the next day. It's a vicious cycle.

However, God revealed something to me this week. He revealed the something that is making me feel so joyful and grateful and on the verge of tears today: Although I'm not a mommy to a little one yet, God has hand picked some very wonderful families and placed them in our (me & hubby) lives, allowing us to share in the lives of their children. It is such a beautiful thing. These friends, like Bubby's mommy & daddy, welcome us into their homes & lives and allow us to get to know their kids, many of whom we have created some pretty tight bonds with. We get to watch them grow and develop, go to birthday parties, and witness a lot of "firsts". It has seriously dawned on me of how special that is. These parents have given us such a gift, of which we are forever grateful!

At this time in our lives, trying to have a baby, we have experienced more sadness and heartache than ever before. And in the midst of all that sadness, one can lose sight of the many blessings that also come along with infertility. These blessings come in the form of Isaaks, Benjamins, Jocelyns, Paisleys, my nieces and nephews, and so many more. God has used these little blessings to take away the pain and sadness and replace it with messy fingerprints, toothless grins, belly laughs, and dimpled booties. And although they're not "mine" these children and their parents have helped to mend a very broken piece of my heart.

So yes, today my heart is full..full of love for little Bubby & so many others. So to all these parents - and you know who you are - Thank you. Thank you for letting us go there with you. Thank you for being there for us and with us. We know we are not alone.

I will hold on to Your promises of Love..

I'm clinging to this song today. And I'm clinging to the fact that even though we question God's motives and timing sometimes, He has promised us love and He will not fail us. Today is hard, really hard, but I have to press on believing that the Lord has something very special for us, and all I need to do is press into Him and trust Him with everything I have..even in spite of my questions and confusion.

And as a wonderful friend has reminded me today,

"I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from Him." Psalm 62:1

An epic moment of sorts...

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, here, a somewhat positive ovulation predictor test!!! Although this is not as positive as we want today, the good news is that we are getting there! See that faint pink line in the square window? Look closely..That, my friends, is a sign of LH in my body =) That faint pink line should get darker within the next day or two! Hallelujah! Ovulation is on the horizon, people!! Have a blessed day.

Hello Hormones!

Speaking of hormones, mine are pretty out of whack these days, therefore affecting my memory and thought process. So in order to deliver coherent thoughts in this post, I am going to use a bullet-ed format. Bear with me =)

• The end of January consisted of my latest visit to my doctor. This was the first appt. hubby had ever attended with me. He behaved for the most part, but I think he was mostly fascinated..with the exam, the information, how tiny my male doctor is, the number of pregnant teens in the waiting room, on and on and on...I was grateful he went with me, and I think he was just happy to be there for me. He is a sweetie =) Anyhow, we got some answers finally. Basically, I'm am overloaded with Estrogen, and lacking in Progesterone entirely. Both hormones (hate that word) are necessary in order to have a regular cycle. I have too much "E", thus inhibiting my body's ability to ovulate, and no "P", thus preventing my body from having a period. Seems simple enough, right? Yeah, whatever. So without giving the long spill, I'll just let you know that Dr. S had to, once again, induce a period with Prog. pills, and he also put me back on Clomid (but a higher dosage) to make me ovulate. With this, we are all hoping and praying for one of these two outcomes: a) I will test positive for pregnancy at the end of this cycle, or b) if it turns out I am not pregnant, I will have a period on my own next month. If one of those doesn't happen, there is a possibility of another D&C in the near future (praying against that), along with Progesterone injections All of this goes back to PCOS, but this time he was happy with my weight (down almost 20 pounds), and he suggested I really cut back on sugar intake. Blah, blah, blah..I know.


• I am done with the progesterone pills, my horrific period has begun, and tomorrow I start another round of Clomid. I am cramping like a mother, and "moody" does not even begin to describe me right now. I can't remember little things, my appetite is weird, I get annoyed by everything, I cry at the drop of a pin, my ears feel like they're on fire, and the hot flashes have already arrived. But through it all, God seems to give me a sort of peace everyday by reminding me what this is all for. He knows exactly what we need to get us through when times are hard. He surrounds us with the perfect people, who pray for us, and know exactly what we're going through. He never ceases to amaze me.


• On a lighter note, our house is almost done. We have our closing date set for Feb. 24th, and we are soooo excited! Everything with the process has gone completely smooth so far. We feel so incredibly blessed to even have this opportunity so early in our lives. We ran by the other day to check on the progress of the house, and it hit us both: We are 22 years old, married, building and purchasing our very first home, and trying to have a baby. Seriously! I don't say any of that to brag at all. I say that to say, God is so good! We would not have any of this without Him! Again, he never ceases to amaze me. But yeah, the house is beautiful, and we are excited!

So that's it for now. I'm kicking myself in the butt these days to keep going with this blog. I just have to remind myself that it is important to write this stuff down. Write it all down, the good, the bad, and the ugly! Because I know one day, we will be on the other side of this, and although our situation gets hard and quite ugly at times, it is part of our journey and I want to remember every part of it.

Prayer & Fasting..

Yep, that's right..I'm fasting & praying..along with lots of other folks, from churches all over the world. I'm not going to say exactly what I'm fasting from, I'm keeping that between God and myself..and it's important to me that way. Only He can keep me accountable during this time, that way I don't feel like I'm on display to those I'm around. But let's just say that over the next 20 days (I'm down one already), I'm praying for some serious clarity and closure to many things in my life..a sort of peace that only my Savior can bring to my soul.

We are currently staying with my parents, but only until our home is finished being built. It's been pretty good thus far, fairly easy. I know it's helping my mom, who spends much of her time at home alone, because my step-dad works out of town, and my brother is rarely ever home for very long. So our being here has kept her company, which she has expressed her gratefulness for many times. They're helping us out too, allowing us to live with them for 6 weeks, give or take a few. This is allowing us to save some money for the new place (closing costs, lender fees, furniture, refrigerator, etc..) which adds up more and more as time goes on. We're just trying to hold our own while being here by making sure to clean up after ourselves, buy a few groceries as needed, and I've been cooking dinner to take some stress off of my mom. So all in all, it's working out pretty well.

We just got back from a wonderful anniversary/birthday vacation in beautiful Colorado. It was an amazing four days spent with just my husband! It really was the most beautiful place I have ever been to, and we did as much as we could during our trip to soak up the incredible views, food, and attractions!! I was sooooo not ready to come back. It was nice to get away from our daily stresses of finances, work, and all that other drama! But what do ya know, once we stepped off that plane back in our hometown, it all hits once again.

We've been struggling a lot lately with trying to establish lasting friendships. We have many friends, but we (and yes, I'm speaking for my husband, too) have just felt very out of touch lately, and there's really no good reason why. We go to a great church, we are a part of a crazy talented worship team, and we still keep in touch with old friends, but for some reason we still feel like we're on the outside looking in. It's hard to word without sounding childish, but we've just struggled with feelings of not being good enough or cool enough. We just long for those friends who we can be there for in good times or bad, but also have those friends be there for us in those times, too. We want friends that want to hang out, just like we want to hang out. We don't always want to have to be the ones to initiate something. We want friends who will follow through with their words, and not just say nice things to us to make conversation. Call it childish, call it stupid, call it whatever you want..but nonetheless, it's there. It's important to have those friends in life, too, ya know? And I know we can't just sit around and expect everyone to come to us. So we try, we really do. We've reached out, invited people over, thrown ourselves out there, we've been ourselves, you name it - just to make those friends, and we still find ourselves at the end of the day feeling like boring ole' grandma and grandpa.

I'm gonna leave that at that, though. We have too much going on in our lives right now to not be happy. We have a beautiful life, we have each other, and we know that God is going to mold those lasting friendships for us!