In need of a good cleansing!!

...A good spiritual, mental, and emotional kind of cleanse, that is! I've just sort of realized lately that I am in a serious funk. It's no good! I hate every part of it. And this is how I realized:

• I've always been one to keep my house clean, but lately I just couldn't care LESS. I've let it get pretty down-right dirty, and it's taking everything in me to type this..because frankly, it's just embarrassing!


• Everything my husband does annoys me =( And the sad part is, he is not doing anything wrong. He tries and tries, and I just shut him out. Poor guy. He is really so wonderful.


• I have cried every day for let's see...ugh, I lost track of the number of days.


• I wake up tired (if that makes any freakin' sense!)


• I wake up sad


• I wake up mad


• My skin has broken out and is making me look like a teenage girl going through puberty. It's gross.


• I'm gonna stop here because these bullets could go on forever, but it is really depressing. You get the point.

I just don't feel like myself. Granted, I know we've been through a lot lately, but I long so much to just be able to cling to the TRUTH that I know. But I've just felt such distance from God. Like He's too far away or something. I know He's not, though. I just need some refreshing, a renewing of the mind and spirit. Like soon.

Some friends and I decided yesterday to really start to work hard on getting our lives together. For me, it's starting with a purging. A purging of all the stress and negativity I carry around all the time. And it's gonna happen in many different areas of my life..including the almighty FACEBOOK. I haven't quite worked up the motivation to delete my entire account, but I have worked up enough to clean out my "friends" list. It felt SO good. What it comes down to is that I need to get back to the basics. I have to start living out my words, rather than just saying them. I am keeping the people who I care about, and who care for me, and aren't just requesting to be my facebook "friend" so that they can keep daily tabs on what I'm doing with my life and look at my pictures to see how much weight I've gained. My life has to have more substance than that. And eventually, I may just delete the entire dang thing. I'll feel on top of the world that day, haha.

Next, I'm gonna really get disciplined with prayer in my life. I mean, I definitely pray, and I know and believe in the power of prayer, but it hasn't been a priority in my daily walk with God, and I've felt such a strong conviction about it lately. That, along with delving into the Word consistently, and I should be good to go =)

Also, in July, I'm taking a trip to Atlanta to attend the Jesus Culture conference. Jerms and I have discussed and decided that this is something I need to attend by myself (meaning without him). It should be good to get away for a few days and really focus on my relationship with Christ. I've kinda lost it in all the hype of this mess we've been in. I've struggled with not knowing what my purpose is in life anymore. I feel like once I get my head screwed back on straight, I'll be a better wife, homemaker, and human being.

As depressing as this post may be, I have to keep it real. It's all about being transparent, right? I need God to move in my life, and He's only going to do that if I allow him to. So today marks the beginning of a transformation in me. I'm excited, and I'm scared, but I'm also ready. So pray for me. The devil's been stealing my joy lately, but I'm taking it all back! I'm climbing out of the pits (<- yes, that's plural), people!

"Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean, scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life. Tune me in to foot-tapping songs, set these once-broken, dry bones to dancing. Don't look too close for blemishes, give me a clean bill of health. God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. Don't throw me out with the trash or fail to breathe holiness in me. Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails! Give me a job teaching rebels your ways so the lost can find their way home. Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God, and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways. Unbutton my lips, dear God; I'll let loose with your praise." Psalm 51:7-15 The Message

Waiting for our miracle..

So it's been a few weeks since I last updated, and not much has happened since. After our not-so-good news we received, we both just needed a while to let things get back to normal (whatever that is). In the beginning it was very strange because we were in so much shock. It's definitely weird to look back over the time we've been trying to have a baby and think that had we just gotten that test done to start with, maybe we could have skipped a lot of the frustration and confusion that we dealt with along the way. However, it was never suggested to us before, and I don't want to waste time going over the "what if's" now. It is what it is, this is the hand that God has dealt us, and we just needed some time to get our hearts and minds back on track to see that no matter what has happened or will happen on our journey though this, God knows what He is doing. Who are we to question that??

Around the end of July, we will repeat the semen analysis to see if the results are the same. There's no known treatment for what they say my husband has, but my doctor recommended that over the next 2 months Jeremy should eat well, sleep well, exercise, etc. And maybe, just maybe, a healthier lifestyle may improve the motility of his sperm. However, along with all of that, I say that over the next 2 months Jeremy should pray, I should pray, our friends & family should pray, etc. And maybe, just maybe, God will answer some prayers that may improve the motility of his sperm. Other than the repeat test, we are unsure of what our next step will be. We definitely have options - IUI, IVF, and adoption - but none of those are attainable financially for us right now. And we both feel like God wants us to wait. So we're praying and waiting to hear what He wants us to do.

It's incredible how something so devastating has brought Jeremy and I closer. I love my husband. There is no other human being on this planet who I would rather go through this with. No other person would I rather wait with. Or hope with. Or pray with. None.

Please pray and believe with us.

A difficult phone call..

Yesterday was a hard day, to say the least. It was a day that confirmed some of our worst fears. It was life changing. I'll start by updating that about a month ago, when I switched doctors, one of her first courses of action was to have a semen analysis done on my husband. It hadn't been done yet, and she was certain that the results of such a test would either rule him in or out of the equation of why I am not getting pregnant. It was a simple test, but so much could be understood from it. There is one fertility clinic here in town that performs such a test, and they were happy to help us. I don't think there's a need to further explain how the test gets started. But basically, we took a semen collection to the clinic one morning, dropped it off, signed some forms, and happily went on our way. They said they would get the results back to my doctor within no later than a week and she would call us if anything were wrong. Well, for nearly a month, no one called us so we took that as good news. Until yesterday when my doctor called me. My heart sank when the phone rang and I saw the number on caller id, and I hadn't even spoken with anyone yet.

My new doctor was on the other end and she had to deliver some very difficult news. She received Jeremy's test results back, and they were very abnormal for a guy of his age. He has a condition called Asthenospermia which affects the motility (or movement) of a male's sperm. Basically, Jeremy's sperm are alive, but they are stagnant. They do not swim. This is typically a inherited condition, and there are very limited treatments for it to improve the motility of his sperm. The treatments that do exist are as simple as hormone therapy, but the success rates are very low. She advised that for the next two months, we try to improve his healthy lifestyle as much as possible by eating healthier and taking a daily multi-vitamin, exercising regularly, sleeping well, etc., then repeat the analysis to see if anything improves. Without being a downer, she said "..chances are this is not going to improve the motility well enough for normal results. With a condition like this, it just kind of is what it is. It's not impossible, it's just very difficult, and I've had couples in my office with the same situation who have been unable to get pregnant on their own after years and years of trying. This condition usually results in IUI or IVF..."

As difficult as that conversation was, the hard part was yet to come. I then had to call my husband and fill him in. So with tears in my eyes and a huge lump in my throat I made the call. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do. He handled it okay, but I could just hear the sadness in his voice. Later when he got home from work, we sat out on our back porch and talked more about it. Facing what we are facing now, we have to make a lot of choices. We have to choose to draw close to each other through this. I can see now how marriages can fail with news like this, and much worse. It's a hard hit to a relationship. We have to choose to draw near to God through this, because He is the only thing that can bring us through. Facing the reality of all of this, it is going to take a miracle for us to become parents. But we both have to believe that God WILL heal our bodies. We have to speak these things out loud, and really rely on God's faithfulness like never before. We have to remember what He has already done and believe in what He is still going to do. He is going to use this situation to turn around and get all the glory! And even though we're confused and hurting, we have to choose to give Him the glory that He so rightfully deserves! We still have to praise Him. We're still going to praise Him.

After receiving the news, I was on the prowl. I rallied up as many people I could who love us and have been praying for us, to pray some more. We know that this is the devil's way of stealing from us. He's trying to attack us in any way possible. But what I know is that we have a covering of prayer over our lives and our bodies, and he will not win! Since we began trying, we agreed that we would keep things on the down low. We just thought it would be best for us to keep things a little private. So there have even been family members who, for almost a year and a half, have not known that we were actively "trying" to get pregnant. But not anymore. We have filled most of them in so that they can be praying too. When times get tough, we have to have people surrounding us who can be strong when we cannot. And we are BLESSED, let me tell ya! The outpouring of love and support is amazing! We have some incredible friends & family!

This is all still sinking in. As of right now, there is no plan of action, no next step. We are faced with options, but we need to pray and hear what God wants us to do before deciding on anything. I will keep updating.

A letter to my unborn child..

Recently a friend gave me a book. It's a devotional book written by a woman who dealt with infertility in her life. This woman never birthed a child, but became a mom through adoption. She has a beautiful story, but what is even more beautiful are the words she expresses in this book as encouragement to woman all over the world who are longing for a child. Since my friend gave it to me, I have not been able to put it down. I read a devotion from this book every day, and sometimes have to stop myself from reading the rest. Just in the past two weeks since I received this book, I have felt more encouraged and uplifted than ever through this process.

Today is Mother's Day. It is bittersweet for me. Sweet because I feel like a mother in my heart. Bitter because I'm lacking physical evidence of my own child. In my most recent devotion from my book, the author suggests writing a letter to your unborn child(ren). It may seem kind of silly, but she says it's just another small way of affirming and believing against what I (or you) am experiencing. It's like saying, "No, I don't have a child YET. But I know it's going to happen, I believe it's going to happen, and until it happens, I am going to move forward in anticipation for that child." I got excited when I read this. It sparked that hope inside of me. So I decided to go through with it. Not to mention, one day when I am staring into the eyes of my little one, I can look back on this letter and read it to him or her and tell of how much Mommy looked forward to their creation. So today on Mother's Day, I am celebrating the mother's love I have inside for my child that will one day be.

Dear child,

I love you so much, and I don't even know you yet. You haven't even been created yet, but I know that God has you specially hand picked for your Daddy and I. Every day I pray for you along with so many people who are longing to meet you. Sometimes I sit and imagine you coming into this world and how many people will be present to celebrate after waiting so long for you. I cannot wait to know of your existence inside of me. I promise to feed you well and take care of you the best I can while you are inside my belly. I promise to talk to you and sing to you everyday. I will cherish your presence in my womb. You already have a wonderful Daddy, and he is just as excited for you as I am. He loves you just like I do. We talk about you all the time. We talk about what your name will be, and we have very special names picked out for you depending on if you are a girl or a boy. We are already working on your room. It is a difficult task for Mommy & Daddy because we want to go ahead and fill it up with pink or blue, but we are having to stay gender neutral for right now until that very special day when we find out what you will be. But we are patiently awaiting, and enjoying the knowing that you already have a room. Every day I wonder what you will look like. I know you are going the be the most beautiful thing my eyes have ever witnessed. I wonder if you will have curly hair like your Daddy or blue eyes like mine. You have so many people here on Earth who love you so much already. You have grandmas who can't wait to meet you and ask me regularly if I am pregnant with you yet. You have grandpas too, and aunts & uncles, and lots and lots of cousins!

We can't wait to take care of you. There are going to be so many memories that we will make together. Mommy and Daddy have so much that we want to show you, and so many places and things we want you to see. I can't wait to feed you and change your diapers, even the ones where you leave us stinky surprises. I can't wait for the long nights when you will cry and just want to be held. I want to hold you and tell you how special you are. I'll probably cry with you. We want to teach you and watch you grow up. We long for you. And even though we'll be your parents, we know that you truly belong to God. We dedicate you to Him already.

We love you, little one. Thank you for being my child. And when God graces my womb with your presence, promise me that you will stay strong to be a healthy little baby. We look forward to life with you.

Love,
Mommy

Husband..

So we got back yesterday from our very first cruise and we had the time of our lives! It was everything we expected and so much more. We cruised for 4 days with some of our best friends, we relaxed, ate a ton of food, laughed more than ever before, and created some of the best memories. It was so sweet. Although we're sad it's over, it was a much needed time away for all who went! For Jeremy and I, it was time away to spend together where we didn't have to think, stress, worry or fret over anything. And I think in the midst of it all, I fell more in love with my husband.

Those four days of vacation just reminded me of how important Jeremy is to me. It kind of dawned on me how easy it is for me to lose focus and importance of my husband in going through what WE are going through. I get so caught up in our journey that I forget, and sometimes down right ignore his thoughts and feelings. I get so caught up that I don't enjoy what God has placed before me. And that is an incredibly amazing, sweet, tender heart-ed & loving man who loves me beyond what I can imagine. He loves me..just as God loves me. And that is deep. Much deeper than what I have dared to even think of lately. I admit that it is so easy for me to lose sight of what is important through these struggles. I forget that one day when we're standing on the other side of this, and we've beat infertility, it's not going to be just myself and a baby. My husband is going to be there with me, and our marriage should take priority first after my relationship with my Savior. After all, it's not just me with this undying desire to have a baby..it's my husband's desire too.

I forget to express my love to him daily. I forget that he needs and wants my attention like I need and want his. I forget to pray for him like he prays for me. I forget to make him feel important like he makes me feel important. I forget that I didn't choose him...God chose him for me. He specifically set Jeremy apart for me. I make light of the fact that he is my husband. Such a heavy thing. He is my husband. My partner through life. My beloved.

So here is to rekindling that love with my man. Here is to remembering where we came from seven years ago, and seeing what God has brought us into together. Here is to being that Proverbs 31 wife that I know I am called to be.

Stupid Hormones.

I don't know what the heck is wrong with me today. I'm a wreck. Extremely emotional about everything. I haven't felt these kinds of emotions in a long time - not to this degree, anyway. I'm thinking it may have something to do with the 200 mg of Prometrium I am ingesting every night for the past 6..or maybe it's PMS..who knows?!?! But seriously, it's bad. Everything has made me cry today, good or bad. I think I realized it was out of control while I was thinking earlier about the daunting task of needing to file papers in our computer room and it brought me to tears. Then I realized I had cried or gotten upset over several other little things throughout the morning. So here I am acknowledging it. Please say a prayer that this doesn't last too much longer. We have a cruise coming up next week and I don't want to be like this on our trip! Yikes.

Still..

Tuesday is probably my least favorite day of the week. It has been for a while now. Tuesdays, for me, usually consist of a very quiet day while Jeremy is at work, followed by a very quiet night alone at home while he plays volleyball and I sit watching American Idol..alone. I haven't looked forward to a Tuesday for a long time, and knowing that another is coming up continually bums me out. Trying to have a baby & being a stay-at-home wife causes a LOT of thinking time. Most of the time I feel overwhelmed just by my thoughts of this very confusing process we are going through. One would think that with as much time as I have to ponder, pray, and sort things out, I would have my stuff together..but I always feel so confused.

Today being Tuesday is no different than what you've read above. Today I am completely anxious and nervous..because I am awaiting some serious answers from my doctor..My new doctor, who I am thrilled with! I recently made the switch after a brutal year of getting the run-around and no fluid answers or explanations. It has been the best decision. The new doctor is amazing in every way: thorough, intelligent, compassionate, and Godly - and not afraid to say it! I love her. Last week she had some blood work ordered for me, to check a very wide range of possibilities. I am still waiting to hear the results. Since the waiting began I've been very anxious.

Recently I've felt very conflicted about my choices through this journey. I have questioned God, doubted God, and have even felt anger towards God. The questions of why He would make me go through this have consumed me..to the point where I've grown a bit bitter. And truth is, I know I'm wrong for all of the above. Letting go and giving God control of this situation is so hard. I know that is what God wants of me, His word says it over and over again. But then I feel at odds when I think that I may miss out on something if I let things go. Silly right? I know!

But then He reveals Himself, over and over and over again. To the point now where I KNOW I have to give it up. I have to give Him the control and take this where He wants to go with it. I know what I want, but what does God want? I have talked with countless people with similar situations, who have told me, "I finally just gave it up..and the next thing I knew I was pregnant.." Stories like that always amaze me, but then I walk away thinking Yeah, Yeah, but I am different..Or at our small group meeting, when I'm bawling as people surround me and lay hands on me and pray for me..but then I take the reigns back once again...Or when in my quiet time with God, He slaps me in the face and leads me to Psalm 77...Or when He speaks through my church pastor about where my hope really comes from...Or when some random girl I am sitting next to at LabCorp, waiting to have my blood drawn, who is sporting a nifty little tattoo on her arm that says "Be Still"...Or when He randomly puts this song in my head:



I'm thinking the signs are pretty clear. I cannot do this on my own. I have to move aside and let God work this out. Does that mean I stop going to the doctor? No. Does that mean we stop trying? No. We're going to continue on. But there has come a time where I know God is trying to speak to me, and I won't hear any of it. I am ready to be able to walk through this confidently and fully trusting His abilities. He made the Heavens and the Earth..am I really so stubborn as to think that He can't make this happen for us? He is God, I am not. And I have to let Him be God.

Psalm 46:10..I have to be still and know.